19 Scion, 1327 (Again)

I met with Lafey~

As always, it was grand to see her again. Every time I am with her, I wish only to remain, though [blot] I know I cannot. Especially now.

She wished me to come in disguise. And I did~ I arrived as I would be if I were a human, though it took her some time to recognize me, even then~ I suppose that means it was a good disguise. We [blot] met where last the three of us gathered; her, Phooka and I. Yet again, it was a good meeting~

I wonder if I could play the part of a human if I tried. I don't know how long I would be able to keep up their strange way of speaking~ Though I imagine they find my own speech rather odd as well, but that is, I suppose, what is so grand about it from the start~

[a few more spots]

Anyway, we spoke of many things. I told her about the card ceremony, and asked her help with Abrecan. She was quite excited about both, and it's grand that she wishes to help me~ I've found that, while it is interesting to be one of the few with magical knowledge, it is also [spot] difficult. I am still very much learning myself about much of this, and having no one else to ask for other opinions on matters of magic can be both useful and frustrating. Certainly, I do not have all the answers, and of the vast existence that is magic, I only have a tiny knowledge of an infinite subject. Yet the continuous flurries and storms of their seeking knowledge from me does not seem to cease, especially when there is something at hand; so I only hope I am not a disappointment with my own feet stuck in the Unknown. [a few blots]

Though there are other times when I cannot believe that some particular knowledge is not comprehended. [a few blots] Though that is a bit of a diverging branch. I will, though, certainly look forward to her future assistance with this. I have always loved experimenting with Lafey at my side, as I love her, and I know that she will always provide something further than I ever could to the endeavor alone~ I must be certain to give her the knowledge from Abrecan that he said he would write for me when I receive it.

When speaking of her endeavors, however, even my disguise was not enough. Instead, she took me to this grand, hidden place, through metal pipes to a small grove of gears~ I wonder if she had ever taken Phooka here, because it made me think of him as well. But it was an intriguing area, I am quite glad that she showed me~ I certainly am not the only one who has grand places to show, despite her words~

We climbed a little and spoke a lot. She told me of something that had happened, how Ren had gotten hurt on a job he was doing with her. She spoke as though it was her fault, despite saying it was something from the In-Between that hurt him. Apparently he was unable to see for a time.. the injury being physical, and not so much something taking his sight back with it. Despite that though, I had recently received a letter written by him, messily, but it was his, so at the very least [blot] I know he is recovering. [a few more spots] I hope he is alright. I hope they both are, though it seems [streak, spot] Well, she doesn't know how well his recovery will be. All I can really do now is hope for the best for him, as I must leave soon. Androsace said that everyone was fine, and I will trust her.

Lafey mentioned that those at the mansion did not take it very well at all, and [blot] I suppose it is understandable to be worried, but I believe recovery is much more important than being continuously upset. She said Will would not look at her, Androsace was disappointed, and Nenia was.. quiet. If one learns from something that may have been error, that is what matters, and that is where it should stay. If it was out of anyone's control, than it was just that. [a few spots] I don't know. I am not upset with anyone, I just wish them both to be alright. She mentioned that Ren is getting assistance from someone in the manor that she never met [blot] and I suppose, if it helps him, then that is grand.

She also spoke of other matters as well. Apparently she is staying with one named Neily, whom she looked over some items for. The Neily is apparently not an employer nor a friend or partner. And with this Neily and that troublesome doctor, it sounds as though they will be going to Priory camps to look for something. Though what, exactly, beyond knowledge is uncertain. That same doctor is a bit of a strange hypocrite it seems too, wishing to learn blood magic while he does not like necromancy, and [spots]asking for Lafey to teach him. Considering what little I know of him, I don't imagine that he is asking for any good reason, quite possibly a feign of interest for some other gain by having her learn what he will teach in return. Or perhaps.. I don't know, there are endless possibilities we went through, though it seems terribly odd to wish to learn something you despise, unless to counter it. What Lafey will get in return sounds, as she put it, rare and old. She seems excited to know what it is, as I would be, though the whole [blot] situation seems rather strange, and has her nervous.

At some point during that, she flopped herself all over me and said that she may run off with me if things become too troublesome~ [a few spots] I find myself laughing, as both of these things I found quite agreeable, sans the trouble~ Is it terrible of me to wish things to become that troublesome for such an outcome~? I'd just really like seeing her more often, and her flopping all over me more often, and any 'troublesome's only being interesting ones that lack that dismal decay that lots of trouble seems to have around us. There is so much more intriguing trouble to get into than the sorts that tear away at us.

She said she wanted to get into it too, to experiment~ I will send her word as soon as I know [blot] more of what is happening. I told her of the stone, though.. not in its entirety. Perhaps she could help with that as well~ I need to remember to seek out gems or stones for her in the Wastes.

And lastly, I.. I told her of what I learned from Sphae. Of .. what happened with the cowl, and of what Sphae said came Before. [spot] I showed her the Note as well. Lafey thought it was troublesome. I agreed.[a few more spots] She asked if I knew Sphae Before. And. Well, I hadn't really thought about that since I met Sphae, I mean. At first I wondered, something familiar was there, but it didn't seem like it wasenough. If that makes any sense at all. Perhaps I saw her Before? Perhaps [blot] I saw someone like her Before? I don't know. But I still.. haven't asked. I don't know if I actually want to ask. [blot] Because then..

I mean, what if she is someone I knew Then? Wouldn't it be strange then to ask about such things? I don't know if I want to know, but [spot] it seems like it would be a terrible thing to be so forgotten. How could I [a few spots] I don't know, it seems terrible. Terrible to ask, and then not to want to know. It would be like saying 'I don't want the parts that I lost of you in my life' and what if I thought those things were once grand? What if they were really important? I just can't do it, not like that anyway.

[a few spots] 

I don't think I will chase it. Not right now. That is also what I told Lafey. Despite not wishing to do much about it, I did wish her to know what was happening. I.. trust her with my Secrets, and wish her to really Know me. She made me think more about it, and.. I am glad I brought it up, because I am more confident in not needing to chase it right now. I do not want to lose what I have. I don't know how I've been 'compromised', but however it is, what if it hurts those around me? What if the knowledge I chase was something I didn't want to have? And end up not wanting again? [blot] But Lafey doesn't think that will necessarily happen, but still.. can understand how I feel about it. Perhaps I will chase it sometime. But right now, there are much more important things to worry about than what is already gone.

I am very pleased I got to speak with her, and that she cares so much for my Secrets. That she even thinks to give me some of hers as well! I can feel myself glowing again; it really does feel like I am in a soothing sunlight when I am with her. I hope, despite whatever worry and trouble she may cross, that I may be able to bring even a glimpse of that to her too, sometimes.

Also remember that an agreement was made: one to not have an untimely death~ Both of us are to keep it, so I do not doubt we will hold our Choices and meet again. And that time, I will not be so.. humany.

19 Scion, 1327

[blot] I am glad I went. 

A small entry, as I am to see Lafey soon, though I will likely want to write about that as well, and I'd rather not lose too much. I've stuck the letter in with some of the earlier ones recieved, but [blot] after reading it, I simply could not help but go and see her.

Sphae, I mean. She seemed very troubled. Much more than I think she really wanted to speak, but. I simply did not wish to have her go alone. [spot] That is not the only reason, but she made it sound [blot] so final. I can't claim to know anything, but she [a few spots] I know she doesn't need me there.. but she might. It isn't that her skill is lacking in the least, but there are some things that are just.. too much for one alone, no matter how grand someone is. If you need someone to pull you up from somewhere you can't reach, only another can hold a hand out for you. If you need a solution that you cannot come to, only another can present one themselves. I [blot] I would not go to the Wastes alone. Or I would feel much as she may. That I may not return. It is bigger than the both of us, but with the both of us, we may be able to learn more, go further, and return with less lost.

I want to go with her. She is a friend, and no matter what this was, dangerous or simple, if there is something she seeks, I would wish to help if I can. [blot] The Growth is.. so troubling. We both feel it. Andif we can learn enough, perhaps we can Bend the Rules before it spreads too far. Perhaps by what we find, it could be used to inform those who would, hopefully, not need to deal with it themselves. [blot] I.[blot] I couldn't stand by myself if I let her go alone.

[a few spots]

I am never there for any of them. I don't want to keep being that way. I never wished to keep being that way. [a few spots]

Or if I must continue to be so far [spot] I at least wish to bring them something well worth my [blot]inability to.. be a better friend. It can't make up for what I am, but it will be something. Something that will matter to them. Something that could help them keep their Choices, so they may have the life they wish.

[a few more spots]

Sphae mentioned too, which is important, my 'compromise'. She said I was part of something greater, and that something happened. That I had been "compromised". And that, to her, and what she has done.. that often means something along the branches of tragedy. [blot] She thought it was what caused the tendrils, but that is.. one of the few things I do recall. It is.. hazy in places, but [spot] I was a sapling. I had barely been anywhere, other than where.. I ended up. I was part of nothing greater back then, unless..[blot] one means a terrible.. mess.

It is troublesome. It makes me wonder just.. what I meant Before. My own words.. [a few blots] Did I write them before I forgot? Is the 'compromise' what made me forget? Or is the 'compromise' why I chose to? Was it related at all? I [blot]

I don't know if I should chase this further. And certainly not now. I don't need anything that could put me in any.. other strange state.

"Know your sacrifices are worth your freedom."

[blot]

I should stop writing soon, but I also must note, as you can see by the letter which this entry refers,Sphae made me an excellent riddle~ It had choices, and a price for each. One would need to have the knowledge or..~ Well, they would not be able to gain what is Unknown~ It was grand, I was so very pleased by it..~ I must remember to give her something of equally interesting caliber sometime~

But for now, I should head off to see Lafey. She requested I be disguised, and I think I will try to create myself as a human~

16, Scion, 1327

A grand surprise happened today~ [blot] I actually, I mean [a few more spots] I am excited. Excited and surprised. I suppose I already mentioned that. [another blot]

I thought the tests would be.. well, more definitive. I suppose it was instead, simply observation? I imagine, though, that follows with what Selda had mentioned, about merely going with them before being accepted to join them. Thorns, I still am unsure quite what this means. I do know what they told me, but I really wasn't told that much; apparently they all knew far more than I did, and [spot]

Well, I should probably mention what I am rambling about.

I got my card! The one the Jesters give to those they consider 'one of them'. It was entirely unexpected, I had only come in checking on the stone, really, and there was a celebratory gathering. I'd not even the time to figure out why before I was.. asked to another room.

Nik was there. Being thoroughly Nik-like, really. I am still to be called Intruder, it seems, though I won't argue on whether or not it is fitting. It is an interesting Choice of name. It seems Nik divines fortunes in many places. Oddly, he asked if I wished him to create mine..~

Now, that is certainly a thought. I, allowing another, to create my fate for me~ It's a bit laughable really, and certainly not something I would ever submit to in terms of one who knows me very little by First Knowledge. It would very much be like giving the other the power to hold the end result of all my Choices. Like giving up myself entirely, for another's word and shaping. The thought itself is such a strange thing; I suppose, perhaps, those who do not realize may give away such power, but that is not something I am willing to do.

I said that my fortune and fate are for me to create. 

Though, I could not help but be curious of what he would have said. Even if it is of 'other' divising, and may hold no weight, I was interested in what it would have been. However, if I was to know, I would lose no Choice of my own. He offered, then, a 'joint effort'. "We each take a hand in making your fate."

I couldn't argue with that. Though I did set my parameters. I must retain exactly all of my own Choices.As a 'fate' is powerful, but there is always more to be seen, and nothing determined unless all of the Choices, in a Chaotic and ultimately unpredictable world, happen to align. By no means will I give up my own power to Choose, Change, and Bend what I see to, but. . . I did come for a Change in itself. I am looking for something, something that really matters, and [blot] I believe that this group, and in turn Nik, have a hand in that. They are, ultimately, a part in the end result of my Choices. So, of course he would have a hand in its creation, that much I could not dispute.

I agreed.

He mixed up the cards continuously quicker, and waited for me to tell him to cease. I watched them carefully.. until I lost track. Because something by Chaos and the Unknown is exactly what I would like to have hand in such 'fate telling'~ A complete contradiction to all it is meant to be, something not to be known, something unexpected. So the moment I could no longer discern, I said in a voice only one listening for it could hear to stop.

He did. And on top, was my card.

It is the Nine of Masks. An interesting coincidence, really, because 9 has always been a grand number to me. Three threes, a number of dimensions and realms, as much more than we might think seems to happen in threes, and 9 holds it to the extreme of its possibility. Though I really don't know if the number means anything like that in this context at all.

Instead, the card represents "The truth hidden in the deception. The masks represent both truths and untruths. The chaos surrounding the world and the truth at its heart." I [blot] It is still quite exciting! A card that seems to stand for the the unseen dance between knowledge and seeking it, being caught up in the Chaos that moves all forward, with the Unknown leading towards what may become Known. Truth itself is such an interesting thing, as each one's Truth is different. Each is their Choices, for those are the actions they take, the way they move through the Chaos to what they seek, and what was is in the life they have. But their Truth lines the path they create. It fills the holes so they may walk it, it is the Knowledge one needs to build upon to seek further. And that this should be my card! My fate. It is so exciting, and [blot]an honor!

I am very pleased with this. I even got to keep the very card that was drawn. It's very intricate and interesting to look at as well, I wonder if I will keep it long enough to leave it in here for the End. [spot]

Afterwards, Nik and I came from the room, and announced the fate to the others, who also seemed very pleased~ They congratulated me, and said that it seemed quite fitting. Then others went in to also find their fates.

Calvin is the Eleven of Masks. Representing the 'Beauty within'. Apparently he can also see such things, or claims it.

Miss Malin is the Ten of Spears. Representing "The suit of justice and truth, and the Tyian way. It's perserverance and making headway both in and out of battle."

[a few spots] For some reason, it was also brought up if or not I.. had a Beloved.. [blot] They were all.. very encouraging about it, though they didn't [spot] I mean, that is simply not a Choice that is only my own! I.. As much as I love the ones I love, I do not.. know if they would ever care to be Beloveds with me. Surely it is something for them to feel as well, and [blot] well. I mean, I would never ar very much.. like.. them to be.[a few spots] I had to rub my hands along my face some, the glow was growing warm from the thought~ But they've.. so much else out there for them. I do not think that.. I am really that to anyone, or that I would be. I know Lafey has said that she expects the love she has to go away, and I don't think being Beloved to someone just.. goes away, does it? It is something [blot] that just seems like it is, like how the Wind just is, it is a part of existence that will be there, and despite all else, persists. [a few more blots] Or at least I think it is. That it feels 'right', in many ways to those who have it, comfortable. Something to return to when one needs a place to go. [blot] But I am full of Chaos, and Chaos always changes. I feel like.. whatever I am is still [spot] too far from something like that. I feel like [blot] I am nothing that can be held, nothing that one would always wish to return to. Because as I change, they do as well. I [blot] I don't think anyone would wish to, out of everything grand they could hold, could find, and everyone out there really..[spot] see me as [blot]

I just don't think it is for me to be a part of. I.. have been wrong, perhaps I am, I would probably like it if I was, but.. I have.. always been much further than I ever wanted, and I think that is just.. what I am.Something that drifts too far. I am so grateful, so happy, with those who I love and who love me. I only wish them to find what is so grand to them that everything seems to fit as they would wish it. Which by no means refers to boring~ Just.. what they would really like, whatever that is.

[blot] Donari said that I should believe myself the best. But why believe something that is a lie? I am quite certain that I am not the best, and I really don't care to believe what isn't so. Especially when it comes to those I care for. I wish them to live and see all they wish, to experience all they would like, to learn all they can and want to learn. How can I claim to be 'the best' part of that for another? How can I even dare to think that I, out of everything and everyone, am so great that I will have such weight in their lives, when there is so much more than me to see? That is not my Choice to make, not for them. They will see me as they will, as I will be what I am, without such grandiose, baseless assumption. [a few spots]But, well, I do appreciate his attempts to.. help with my 'confidence' I suppose.

All of them, really. I.. [blot] I was surprised how much they seemed to wish to encourage me finding a Beloved. Calvin said I was "bloody brilliant and lovely". Abrecan mentioned finding the right sylvari and "blowing their mind", though really, that sounds a bit.. something~ Zaree mentioned that it wouldn't need to be a sylvari either, which.. I could not help but grin about. Though luckily the conversation shifted to more important matters soon enough, I [spot] it was just kind of them to give me those words. I wonder if they misunderstood what I meant, but.. well, I appreciate it regardless.

[blot]

My tendrils also misbehaved, and tripped Rahvin when she was dancing on the table. Though she ended up being fine, and was not upset. [spot] In case I need that knowledge for later, by some will of the Winds.