Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Secret Experiments with Lafey

Goal

To create a link between us so we may speak in private across long distances without necessary use of the comm creatures [blot] system, yet much faster than letters or other means of speech, save speech itself.

Hypothesis

We can create a mental link between us, allowing for chosen thoughts to be transmitted to the other, regardless of distance and specialization (one would not need to be of a certain magical inclination), based on our specifications. While many methods are viable for this kind of result, we have chosen specifically to use a single-foci approach.

Summary

* Procedure
- Learn of the parameters of the experiment.
- Infuse the foci with a 'sample' of magic
- Dictate the parameters within the infusing
- Connect our minds specifically to these parameters and the foci
- Test its propensity
- Adjust it and practice its use accordingly

Parameters (by Lafey)

* Foci based
* Each contact the other freely
- so long as device is 'on'
* Filter of surface thoughts
- so other thoughts not immediately sent over
- no 'free reign of the mind'
- must have some intent for thoughts to be shared or known
* Lafey must be touching the foci for it to work
* Appearance unassuming
- Doesn't care for it to be altered

Parameters (additionally by myself)

* Ability for Choice of use.
- can be overridden by either bloom.
* Magic relatively hidden
- using more of a mental connection by means of reflection instead of a magical connection
- unlikely to be picked up on by any outside source as 'magic'.
- no way (known) to 'listen in' to the exchanging thoughts by one outside them, as they do not have the reflection of either mind. Only blatant mental manipulation that one may use (the same as in any scenario) may work, though they will only see the 'side' they are focusing on, and not the thoughts of what's received. There is no known way to intercept the thoughts of both parties, and hear both sides, without additional infusing.
* Null unless Lafey or I am touching it.
- Will only work for us.
- Others attempting to use it will find no luck.
- Others attempting to extract from it will find nothing to extract; the energy within only activates under our touch.

Infusing the Foci

* Magic used
- It is a 'sample' of one's raw energy, something to connect the foci to the one in question. This raw energy infusion is much like how one would infuse one's self in a bond to various weapons to help further direct their own magic into familiar spells, though on a smaller scale. Much like the weapon example, if the foci is passed to another, they would have to infuse it to themselves before it will work for them. Currently, however, I have locked it from further additional infusing.
- The magic is only present when 'active'.
- When more than one submits energy to a foci, it becomes tied to all who do; the energies mix, and while they are present, they are now very difficult to discern or 'pull apart' to anything but the energies that the foci is directing. Because all parts are there, the energy will make its own connections to travel through as directed from an appropriate, matching source, but should one try to 'take apart' the energy present, reassembling its now combined state into separate signatures is highly unplausible.

Parameter Dictation

* Interweave the 'locks' and 'doors'
Lock = A place where magic and subsequent energy it guides halt; something dictated to be unallowed, which will not proceed further unless the one who spelled it changes this 'lock'.
Door = A place where magic and subsequent energy it guides may proceed; something dictated to be allowed if certain conditions are met, based on the interweaving.
Interweaving itself : I would like to specify more on this, but I feel the technicalities of it are difficult to describe, as my own propensity for this is mostly based on guiding what I know will work to take place, and pulling at the threads of its magical reality to tweak energies into those niches. I could attempt to diagram each one of them, but unless asked to, I know them all as one would know how to walk down stairs. It's rather simple until one stops to think about it, but I know it well enough to do without such thinking. Thus, I won't waste the time here detailing it, as many of these have already been written far back in this book.

Connection of Minds

* Simple Mesmeric Procedure
* Based off of 'Reflection' instead of 'Manipulation'
- Reflection: Essentially it is like placing a mirror to one's thoughts. It doesn't actually change ones thoughts, or even really allow any insight into the mind being reflected at all, when just speaking of reflection alone. It is just a way to bounce the thoughts to a guided direction. Because of its nature, it is nearly impossible to trace, unless the foci doing the reflecting is found and active. Furthermore, it is entirely harmless to the one being reflected. It would do nothing more to someone than would passing by a mirror.
* Procedure
- The mind is reached and held. It helps if the mind in question is calm, or focused on a single thought, so that it may be 'grasped in full' by the reflection. Much like if one had the ability to stretch a mirror out, in order to try and catch someone's entirety in it, but they keep moving, so gauging how big the mirror must be becomes more difficult. Though if they stood still, it would be much easier. It is the same idea here; while the mind must only be fully 'grasped' for a mere moment, it must still be fully grasped.
- The connection is made to the foci once the reflection is in place. This connection is essentially the 'thread' which links the mind to the foci, and tells the foci that 'this is the thing to be directed'. It is simple, quick, and harmless, though for a mere moment, one may feel a slight 'pull' from their head to the foci.
- The connection is sealed in place. This makes certain that nothing else will interfere, interject, or try to ride on this connection; it is a final and important step necessary. Otherwise, more than intended may be reflected, or something else may attempt to attach to the foci through the connection.
* Any other minds connected will all receive the reflections to the foci.

Testing

* Sifting thoughts
- Making sure thoughts are directed properly
- Filtering out 'background noise'
- Getting used to it in general
* Making sure all parameters work
* Testing over various distances
* Testing in various conditions and environments

Conclusion

Thus far the experiment has been successful~ Thoughts seem to be transmitted well enough, in any distance attempted, it is just a matter of practice. Many parameters have not otherwise been tested, but there is no reason yet to think, other than logical skepticism, that they may not work.
Posted Apr 6, 14 · OP · Last edited Apr 6, 14
1, Phoenix, 1327 

A new beginning with new beginnings~ Though, I suppose this did happen lastsun, not this one.

I'd finally been able to find Phooka. It.. [blot] I was quite glad to, though he.. he was different and it worried me. I know this has all made him feel quite terrible, but yet again, I [blot] I was somewhere between excited to see him, and unsure what I should even do. There was so much I wanted to do, that nothing really seemed to be coming out, and.. well, I didn't even know if he would want it. I wished for him to be happy, but how could I bring such a thing? I.. he said just standing with me may be fine, to just be around me for a little while, but.. that didn't seem like enough. At least from how he seemed.

I thought, perhaps he might like to run a bit with me. Of course, we weren't really running at first, it was more trying to find a place to stay, away from the home, and- well, I think we both got excited and ran some anyway. We ran along the hillside further than before, climbed it up by Ettins, though many of the hills were disappointingly steep for us. We did find some great views though, and eventually a tranquil spot by a Tengu wall, despite the wargs nearby. Phooka is getting better with his rocket boots, which is exciting and a relief at the same time.

[spot] The more I think about it, the more I just want to find him again now. The more time I want to bloom with him. It - [spot] It seems like there is so much there that neither of us knows! I.. I would just like to know him so much more. I would like to be able to feel like.. I can go to him when I need a place to be, but also, that he can come to me as well. And I.. I don't know if he does. Perhaps he does? He just [spot] I don't want him to feel alone, though I know he actually isn't. I don't know what it is, it's a strange feeling. He.. told me he missed me, and I miss him too. I still do. Even though - [blot]

And that is another leaf on the branch, he.. He said that I have him already. He has said that.. I am his, and he is mine. And are we? Do we belong to each other?I.. I have never thought that we belong to anyone, though the thought is.. strangely endearing. Its strangeness is that.. if he 'belongs' to me, then he does to everyone else as well. Which really isn't belonging to me at all, it just seems to place everyone [spot] like they have more say than they may. Like they have the ultimate Choice over him, and they do not. But he- [spot]

I just know I cannot have as much of his time as I may wish. It simply isn't mine to have, I don't think, despite.. what he says. Until he can convince me otherwise.. There were so many things I hadn't spoken that I wanted to when we met. [blot]Perhaps I need to run some. I feel like I am simply brimming with excitement, whenever I am near him or Lafey, just because they are there, and it is hard to.. to stop. To actually get out of me what I would like to be known. And when I do, I just ramble into the winds, and -[streak spot] It's hard to slow down! I don't know if it's bothersome, but it's enough to cause me more waiting.

I hope we'll have another chance. One of these suns, I wish to steal him away for myself, like Lafey wanted to, for an entire sun and maybe an entire night as well. Maybe that will give me enough time to get through my own.. chaos of enthusiasm.

But! None of that is even the most important parts of what memories I wish to hold. The Most Important Part is that.. I.. I was able to help Phooka find his way to Soundlessness! It is so exciting! I am just- [blot] [a couple ink spots] I am so very excited for him, it is causing me to glow and feel warm all over. He was so pleased! He did excellently, and took it so well, I am.. I am just thrilled, like having been nicely kissed by the sun all morning, and in the midst of jumping into a cool, pleasant lake, I.. It's most grand. To him, it is like a grand machine, which [blot] I cannot help but laugh at how pleased I am to hear that. It is something he truly loves that he has found there, something which is his own Choice. It was.. it was such an honor and a pleasure to have been able to help him so far, to bring him to a place of his Choosing, and to see just how exuberant he felt upon arriving. He was able to find me, but more than that, he was able to find himself.

He was almost too excited though! I- [blot] I didn't get the chance to tell him before he came away how to take his Silence, it is not quite like the Quiet. I am not even sure if he managed to look around yet! He looked at all the possibilities of himself, but I don't know if he looked beyond that, and - well, he may well find it on his own, but if he doesn't, he certainly needs to know it's there. Because between himself and what's beyond in the Silence, he will need both in order to keep himself where he is. I think though, that he will enjoy that. I'd.. like to speak with him about it soon.

[blot]

There are so many things I'd like to speak with him about soon, but he.. he's so many things on his mind. I don't want to wait, but [spot] I feel it is not my choice to make. I may try though. I. [a few more spots] I never mentioned, yet, what he had said in the letter. About.. what we are, and I would like to. I don't even want to write about it until I can tell him. [blot] 

I am really glad though, that we had the short time that we did. I hope he may be less wilted, and might find some warmth to brighten the flame in him.
Posted Apr 3, 14 · OP
90, Zephyr, 1327 

I spoke with Syr. 

It.. I was looking for Phooka, and I didn't actually want to speak with Syr, really, not about that subject but I did. It seems that I was mistaken. When he referred to a star, he was actually speaking of Tal, and [blot] did not feel that strongly about me. However, he.. still loves me. He [spot] is still very confusing.

He's very kind, and he loves so much, I think it hurts him that he hasn't found another to be as close as he would like to be yet. It is not that he wants it with me, it is that he wants it with anyone, everyone, I think, who might be close enough to him. Yet, at the same time, he [blot] says something about how even that may not be, because he feels so strongly for Tal?

I don't know. It is strange. I.. I am not like him, so it is hard for me to understand. I just.. I would really like him to be able to love as freely as he wishes. It's.. I feel I am terrible for not being able to.. be closer with him. But I don't think I can. And.. it's him insofar as it is what he chose, but it is moreso myself for what I have chosen, and what I wish to live by. I [blot] I am willing to give so much to stay away from the Dream, to be a part of it as little as I can be. I knew that there is no way to erase me from it, because others have memories of me that will return there, but[blot] I will keep my memories, my Secrets, away from the Dream. They will never go there. And I will make sure of it however I can.

[spot]

So I cannot be close to him. Not.. like that. I cannot share with him what is closest to myself, he will never be able to know me so fully, only a bit. It.. I try to..[spot] I've tried to keep further from him because of this, because if I get too close, I.. I think it will just be more painful for us both when I pull away. But I cannot help but care for him, he is so kind, he has taught me many things without knowing it, he.. I wish him to find the one, or more, who will let him in.

He.. is not the only one who cannot be close to me. I wish he knew how grand he was, I wish he saw that, even though he has met some who did not return his love, they are not all. But I.. [blot] I barely know love. It is so new to me, I [spot]

I wanted to help him somehow, but it was very difficult. And even though there was a small weight lifted when I learned.. I was mistaken, it wasn't all that much. [a few ink drops]

I stayed with him though. He was afraid he was losing everyone, and I tried to tell him otherwise, but I can only speak for myself and what others have said to me and stayed with him. I.. I have no idea if I helped him much. I don't think I am as wise as he thinks I am, I don't.. I just say things that seem to be so. Or that look so to me. It doesn't mean they are. I can always be mistaken, and many times I am.

There's not much more I can do for him than to be there, I think. Hopefully that is enough, but.. I don't think, to him, it will be.

[blot]

I hope he can find what he seeks.
Posted Apr 1, 14 · OP
89, Zephyr, 1327 

[blot]

[a couple more spots]

It is still such a grand feeling when I consider. I.. I don't suppose I actually expected it at all, really. I mean- I [a drawn blot that eventually becomes a little twirly squiggle] It is just exciting! It is very exciting, a warmth that is more than just warm, but like a dancing, tingling flare that runs through me whenever I think of it. I can feel it light my own glow, it makes me shiver a little in place.

Lafey said that she loved me~

[a few spots of ink here, that seem to have been made into little spirally designs]

The words do not contain the sorts of warm light running through me! How can I ever place this to proper memory when I cannot even explain to myself what it feels like? It is.. I just want to hold myself and to hold her, I want to hide and from her, never be hidden. The warmth reflects all around inside of me like dancing sparks, like I have met the gifts the sun wishes to give all that lives, and I carry them with me now, in those words she said.

She wished me to be one who she can always return to, one who she can speak to as she feels. One she wants to continue to love. I- It is [blot] It is just so important! She is so incredibly important. I feel full and brimming with that warmth, the Chaos runs across me in twirls, I.. I love her very much. I must! Look at me. I can never remember feeling such a grand feeling before. [another blot made swirly]

I cannot seem to keep in how pleased I am. Lafey is looking at me. She let me stay at her home, her new one! I am here now, I don't know if that means I can return again, but I.. I hope it does. I was so pleased to be able to stay with her. We[blot]

We are going to experiment soon. That is also exciting! I.. I was worried at first, but she seems really excited too, and to like the idea. I.. I will need to try, to meditate, to find the proper focus and will need her as well. Normally I would think it may be difficult, but I.. I feel I can place her, like I can find her easily, and speak to her, and it would not be so hard as it may with another. I trust her. She is certainly someone I choose to let know who I am. I will also need the item she chooses, if she wishes for a foci, so I might begin the connection of us between it. I may ask, see if she would like me to write it all down, so she may have memory of how it works. Writing it down is important for experiments, after all~ And then we can both have the knowledge. It would be grand to be able to speak with each other when far, and have it be only what we know~

We spoke of many other things too. She.. she has a surprise for me. And [blot]she was afraid I was drifting away, but I hope never to do that. I never want to do that. I.. I don't want to be lost to her like I have been to Ren. Ever. I now know my mistakes in waiting, and I have learned; it will not happen again. We spoke of that too, I.. told her what had been bothering me so much. She thought I should speak to Syr about it. Which.. well, I couldn't disagree. I had always thought I would speak to him about it, until he gave me that letter, then.. then, well, I didn't really know what to do. But I will.

She has much on her mind as well. I hope all who she needs to speak with receives her well. She was surprised to hear that she was soothing to talk to, but I know that it can be easy to forget things about yourself, so I tried to remind her. She thinks she is like a maze, though I don't think so, unless [blot] unless she is, but I rather like mazes and puzzles.

I also mentioned Ren to her, I don't recall how, but I did and she said she may speak to him. ... I cannot say exactly how that will be, but. Well, I trust what she might say if she chooses to. I've not tried everything yet, so.. There is that.

I would have liked us to speak more, to run about the ruins and explore them, so really /see/ the place, beyond just- [blot] Well, I.. I just get excited. I was just so excited for her to finally be there with me! But I think I perhaps went a little too fast for it to be entirely appreciated. I did take a long while to run all over the ruins and inspect them when I found them. Perhaps we can return again. I hope so. We need to go out more often.

I also mentioned what Nenia wished, which was to visit the Timberlines and that I thought I remembered some ruins out that way. I suggested we all go, it would be nice for the three of us and Ren to explore somewhere, like.. they had always wanted, and like Ren and I used to do. [spot]

Nenia is.. I am just very glad I finally got to speak with her. I have been worried about her in all this, and she.. she seems in a similar place as I, in worrying for her friends. She is a very kind person, and I was pleased she spoke with me as much as she did. I learned how she met both Ren and Lafey, how with Ren, the boys were small humans then, and they were brought to her home by their mother. They apparently even got in trouble then, which I am sure was fun to watch, and Nenia followed. She was surprised how they grew to be close, though.. I think that is just the sort of thing that allows for it. And Lafey, apparently, they read many stories when they were young. Almost like they shared a Dream together, though it was one they chose for themselves, and thus, I think, much more powerful. They both read stories and wished to go out and explore, it was when Nenia mentioned she was interested in the Timberlines, so I think it would be grand for us all to go and see what she had dreamed about. I'd never seen her quite that excited about something! I.. am glad she let me see that.

I hope she gets to speak with Lafey soon. I feel a bit wilted that I dragged Lafey away from her, but I know that Nenia mentioned she wouldn't be long. [blot] Of course, I thought that was not entirely true, just something that humans hide. From the way she spoke, and her concern, I figure that she had much she wanted to speak of. How is it ever easy to not wish more time with a friend? I hope she had a good time with everyone though, regardless. I certainly mentioned to Lafey that Nenia wished to talk with her.

[blot] Perhaps I can be friends with Nenia someday too.

She.. [spot] She gave me a hope again, that I.. I should be more forward, I should[spot] I shouldn't think that I am in their way. She told me to be stubborn with Ren, that I just have to be more stubborn than he is, and that.. that is how to be friends with him. I.. [blot] I wasn't sure, but then again, I have never seen him like this. She has known him for such a long time! She probably has more knowledge about him than I do, so I will try.

We both decided not to stand aside anymore. That friends are important, and we shouldn't think we are going to bother them until they tell us. I know it is hard, Lafey told me the same thing, and I always tried to think of it when I worried, but it was still.. [spot] difficult. To know that Nenia felt somewhat like that as well.. well, we can get through it together. We will both no longer think as bothering. I know they want to be around her, Lafey even said so, very clearly. They are the ones Ren cares for much more than he ever did me. Nenia should not feel as though she must keep herself aside, if she still does. I hope she doesn't.

[spot]

I am still bubbling laughter over my thoughts. I am not even writing about them anymore, but just thinking them is [blot] enough. [spot]

I need to find Phooka again next.

[some blots]

Oh, and I definitely drank more of that tea + cottencandy experiment than Androsace did. Also, Syr started it. Note to possibly give that to someone who has done something objectionable, OR who deserves to make a very ... memorable.. face. I think this is important to remember.
Posted Apr 1, 14 · OP
[There are several papers stuck into this page of the journal. The first one is a shorter note, while the second group is several pages, curling like they were originally rolled, but now instead folded together. The second group of pages is written in a hurried, cramped script as though words can hardly be formed at the speed of thoughts. They smell faintly of machine oil and oregano.]

The first note: 
Dear Xsaia,

I will preface that I am not leaving the Knights. This letter is not a farewell, unless you wish it to be.

I know that you once said you may be difficult to know, but I think that is something that applies to us both. I wonder, could we always know each other no matter where the currents take us in seasons, years? I know that the Grove is not comfortable for you, but we've letters to speak through. We've places to agree to meet outside of it. You have taught me very wonderful things, you are very wonderful. I am so very grateful to have met you, and even more so that you saw something in me that you cared about as well.

I know things are a lot for you now, so I am not asking for more time in the present. Just that I would like a future that continues to have you in it.

I know that these things get to you too. I know even if you do not show it, do not say it, it matters what happens to us. It matters what we do.

Perhaps I might always have a reminder for you here, but you can always come to me and I will help you whatever way that I can. Whether that be talking, not talking, running, grounding you or finding you that place that you can lift off from. Anything.

Love,
Syrlya

P.S. When you deflect my compliments with "speak for yourself" are you just trying to turn it away from yourself or do you mean you really think those things about me?

The second group of papers: 
Xsaiavlairnn,

I found your book, or my book, the one that you gave me, that you made for me, I -- Imagine my suprise at it, I thought, my heart would stop when I found it was from you. And your words, they hit so close to the mark, so very close...*blot.scratch* I am so tired, so very tired that I fell like an overworked golemn that is about to be decomissioned and dismanteled. And the idea is not wholly undesirable, it would be nice to have a rest. To be able to concentrate on things which do not twist my spirit into some kind of wretched thing. I would break myself apart if I thought that would fix things. I would give up my breath if it meant I could turn back the last few days, so that we could be...we were healing.

But you're ...right. So very right. I can not tear myself apart, no matter how much I wish, though mostly because this would hurt you, I think. Most of all because of this. Yes, I care deeply for all the Knights, for Lafeyette. But you. You are something that words can't exactly contain. I would waste a thousand words to try to describe how you, what you stirr in me. But I won't, and only say pushing you away would be like trying to pluck the pinescale from my head, it's possible but it would hurt more then I could bare.

I thought after, this entire, terrible horrible mess with Kaiya you wouldn't, or you couldn't stand to be with me, in any capacity. And I would have understood, maybe even thought it was better. But then this book. It's almsot as if you made it to match my colors. And when I touched it...the gears. I laughed, so delighed by the design and the latch...*blot, inkpuddle* It is a begining, I would love to teach you more, I would love to learn more from you. I doubt I could ever read and ride the Chaos like you do, but I would like to learn to listen, to understand theroy and application if I will never wield it.

You have -- You have done so much for me, continue to do so much for me. I don't want to lean you to heavily with out...if there is anything this battered weed can offer you, I do, I offer whatever you may need or want from me. Even if it is to leave you be. And I still have so much to learn about the Silence, I have been practicing. Though I have not attempted to enter the Dream again, I need you for that. I'm glad you still want to teach me. More then glad.

You may think this strange, considering chaos skitters across you like an electric current of a tesla generator, *thoughtful inkpuddle* or maybe it is not so strange now that I say it in that manner. But you are peaceful to me, your presence is peaceful, perhaps it is because you remind me of something that runs through so many of my own creations. You maybe because you remind me a little bit of me...though that is not such an excellent thing.

At least I make grand mistakes, *blot* I am attempting to learn, how can I be so brilliant and yet so stupid at the same time. I will, I always take your words to heart. You're right, I am not special, everyone makes mistakes, only mine tend to have more of an impact becasue of the knights. I am considering ways to lessen the impact, I hope.

Waiting can be determental, it can of course have its own purpose but I believe you have waited to long. For so much, and I don't deserve to have you waiting for anything on my part, but... then again, we don't always get what we deserve do we. I don't know how you want to...*scratch, inkstain, smudge, smudge* How you want to ...how we, if we...are... I don't think there is a word for what we have but I'd want to explore it more if you*inkdot.inkdot* I care for you too, more then just care.

May we find eachother then, and together find the knowledge we seek.

Always, in all ways.

Phooka.

P.S
I think the answer is... Clock?

P.P.S
It reminded me of my old pocket watch.




88, Zephyr, 1327 

I found Nenia the other sun, before she was called. We all.. went to Lafey's home. They had letters from William, and they all.. seemed very upset about them. I stayed with them. Ren [blot] made tea for everyone, and he remembered the way I like mine. I.. I know I shouldn't be surprised, really, it was.. I suppose I just expect in some strange way he has forgotten about me, and about everything before.Either way, it was nice, at least the tea.

Several of us mentioned we loved Lafey, Androsace said that she and Syr and Tal do, and I mentioned that I do also. We [blot] can still be friends outside of the Knights. This.. is something I have always felt, because some of those who.. are or were closest were found outside of them, and I don't know why that can't continue. I don't know why it would stop just because of that, even the ones I met from it.

But a lot of things about friendship with humans seems.. strange now, so perhaps it was something not thought of before.

They don't have to lose so much, though. I hope they are starting to see that.[blot]

I told them that waiting was terrible when they were considering seeing William.That if they want to see him, we should now. Ren had happened to bake a cake, and since they wanted another excuse other than just friendship and their letters, the cake made one for them. So we went to find him.

Apparently, it was Will's birthday. None of us even knew, but he got a cake anyway, and we all stayed with him a little while and spoke of things. I still think Ren should someday be a baker on a ship. Who is to say it can't be done? So many other things can be, I'm not sure why that would be so impossible. I [blot] I also want to meet his brothers someday, or at least the one, Niall I think? who was in the clinic. I had wanted to before I even knew he was Rens' brother! Ren said he liked stories once, like pirate bakers shooting pie cannons, so perhaps he would like some of the stories that Ren and I have.

It was nice to see him again. Will, I mean. I never really spoke to him much, but most of the time we just agreed, aside from a few times, so I'm not really sure what there even is to say. I would like to know him more, but [blot] well, even if we are similar, we are also different, and I am not sure what.. interest he would ever have in me. Or patience, really. I mean, he seems very patient, but I would not want to be boring, or rambling, which I might be in both cases. I don't know, it is strange. But I am glad he seems alright. I was [blot] really upset to hear that he got so overwhelmed, I just [spot] I was going to try and find him to see if he was alright, even if we didn't visit.

He did give me a hug though, before I left, which was quite surprising. But it was also nice. I told him not to get shot again, and to go somewhere he liked, because, well, that is what you do on birthdays I think. He almost forgot, so I'm glad we managed to remind him.

The others went back after that, and I went to go check on some things. It is when I found Phooka's letter. [blot]

I have not replied yet. I.. I am glad though, that I was able to [spot] I mean, that [ a few blots]

I am glad I could reach him. That he found what I'd made for him, and liked it so much, that it made him feel bright, even if for a moment. I am glad that I was so close in my words, that he would be able to understand and learn from them a little bit. I.. [spot] I am worried for him. I've still not found him. I don't know if I should [spot]I mean, I want to reply, but I also want to find him more. I'm still surrounded by my own Quiet, it's [spot] I don't know if it's making me more calm than I should be, or if[dot dot] I don't know. I've reread his words many times. I just want to find him.

I hope I can soon.
Posted Mar 30, 14 · OP

Birthdays and Cycles

Birthdays and Cycles

Xsaiavlairnn
* Cycle: Dusk
* Birthday: Phoenix 23

Lafey
* Cycle:
* Birthday: Colossus 31

Ren
* Cycle:
* Birthday: Phoenix 82

Will
* Cycle:
* Birthday: Zephyr 86

Androsace
* Cycle: Dusk
* Birthday: Colossus (the end)

Nenia
* Cycle:
* Birthday: Scion 23

Posted Mar 30, 14 · OP
86, Zephyr, 1327 

I have not written many memories for a time. Has it been strange that I've not wanted to?

Many I don't [streak, blot]

I don't really want to think about, but I should list them.

Kaiya stabbed herself in the cave, Ara didn't do it. This happened within mere feet of others who could have helped. Kaiya also kept it secret that Ara had done nothing, and instead spelled her mind to make her think she did it. She claimed it was for protection. Kaiya had also left to go on her own for a while somewhere, I think to search for someone, and wanted it secret. She told Phooka these things. He kept them secret like she asked, but was very upset about it. He never got a chance to tell us though, even after Kaiya left. It was a big mistake, because we could have helped Ara- well, Syr and Tal, especially Tal, could have.

Kaiya's reasoning didn't really make sense. She got dragged back. Everyone was terribly upset. Will [blot] left the Knights, he said it was too much. Many of them said they could not trust Phooka and Kaiya anymore. Or at least Lafey and Ren did.

Lafey got.. very angry. She felt like death and I was very scared for her. Ren seemed to try and help, but it hurt him too. By the end they were both [blot]damaged, and I tended to them with Nenia to see that they were alright. I think Ren took in too much energy, and Lafey had [spot] she lost a part of herself. We kept it out by accident because we didn't know what it was, but we did, eventually, let it back in. Lafey felt like.. she was losing so much. She felt like it couldn't be fixed, and she just wanted to be close to her friends. She just wanted to be happy.[blot] I think Ren did as well.

I [blot] I wanted to be with them, to make sure they were alright. But I lost them. I waited outside Lafey's house before I called her, thinking she would come back, but she went to a secret house and didn't want me to know about it. I already knew that Ren wouldn't want me.

[ink blot]

I.. most want them to be alright. Both of them, and Nenia too, they all seemed so upset. And Phooka [blot] I would have gone with him, but the others really needed me then. Or at least I felt like they did, I couldn't leave them, not like that. Phooka gave me a look like I shouldn't care. His look is wrong, I still do. I am wandering now, or have been, maybe I will find him. Maybe I will find.. someone.

[a larger blot]

I was terribly angry. I still am. The Chaos was in me so strong, I could hear it in my throat, I wonder if others did too. I just wanted to do terrible things. Terrible things with no real end, other than to do them, no grand point other than destruction, I just wanted [blot] [a few dripping spots, before the pen looks pressed hard into the page for a bigger one]

But it is not wise to listen to the Chaos now. It is not wise to destroy or to run when what I know I want is to heal and to stay. I've had to keep myself in a strong Quiet the whole time. I still do. The Chaos wants to come out, and sometimes I let it a little, but right now I need to stay Quiet. [another blot, like the pen just sit here motionless for a little]

Waiting is terrible.
Posted Mar 30, 14 · OP