31, Phoenix 1327

[blot]

I feel I am at a great loss.  And yet [spot] I feel that is hardly how it should be.

Everything that I wished for is null if it is not wanted.  It should be no surprise that all has shifted, that it seems to be happening again ; perhaps that is just how things occur.  I think I have lost my light to her too.  Perhaps everyone loses sight of each other, perhaps it is something entirely not what it seems, or [blot]  perhaps it is myself.  That I am not... what I started to think I was to any of them.  Not so important, not something that one wishes to speak Secrets to, nor hear Secrets from, not someone who can be a light in the darkness, not brilliant or bright, or.. anything.  Maybe I am, but maybe I am not.  I did try to be there for her, whatever I am.  I think I was there more than I was for Ren, at least.  [a few more spots]

None of it matters  No, it matters to me.  It matters to me so much.  But perhaps only to me.  I never regret having been there every time I was, all the memories I have with them, all I hope I did to make their lives just a little brighter for a mere moment, all the lopsided smiles, heel-rocking grins and huffs, the changing of colors, and the vastness of what they gave me.  What is most important is that they find what they wish, that they are happy, that they can live lives as they are with their own choices that they care for.  I will.. [blot]  be there as long as I am still existing.  If they did ever care to.. consider seeing me again, if that would bring them any warmth.  I'd still like to take them to many places, and show them many things, both of interest and to learn from.  Though even that-[streak, blot] Perhaps now would be a good time, if they are going to, to be far from me.  To be ready for if it [blot] pulls me too far and I don't come out.  So it won't matter to them either.

I wish I knew what happened.  So I could understand if I made any more foolish mistakes.  I would have loved to [blot] help her.  To help him too, but.. I don't know if they want any of that from me.

Part wishes to run, but it is the part that says 'there is nothing for you here', which I do not even know if that is true.  I still don't want to.  I don't want to run, but what is there to stay for?  To Ren and Will I feel I am a barely tolerated presence, and [blot]  do not care to be in their way, if I can help it.  I'd have liked to try and be more stubborn with Ren, but I catch myself with divergent thoughts.  Would it really be fair to him, even if we do become close again by some will of the Winds, that I do, and then I am taken?  I.. don't think it would be.  Perhaps I will just write to him, explain, and [spot] do as I will, should I leave without speaking.

  I .. [blot]  could stay with Nenia for a while, but.  [a few more blots]  She seems like she doesn't wish or care for that now, and that she may stay with the other two.  I hope she doesn't need to feel vulnerable anymore, I hope, perhaps, Will and Alicia can teach her what she would like to know.  [some more blots]

She says that it doesn't have to be inevitable for me to be alone, but perhaps.. [spot] that is the better option.  I suppose I am learning.  If this is... just a cycle, it seems so.. [blot] hurtful.  But I am the one who is foolish.  What a foolish thing to think, that anyone would ever [streak, a few small spots]

[blot]

And then there is also Androsace.  I feel the two of us are... or were, in a similar place.  I don't know if either of us know where to go.  I don't think either of us feel very.. trusted.  I am starting not to know if I trust myself, like she said she felt; [blot]  how can I give up my Choices so easily?  So futilely?  It is terrible, disturbing even.  But what can I do?  I told her that she was important because she was herself, and she said she didn't know what she wanted.  What I want is something that I do not have control over.  What I want for myself. . . [blot]  is to learn.  [a few more spots]  If I can make a place for myself, would I find a way to quell this feeling?  Is the feeling what is.. [blot] in the way of it all?  Am I expecting something?  I shouldn't.  I shouldn't expect anything.

[a few more spots]

There is a part of me that just wants to give until I burn out.  Because I.. I think it might be soon, much sooner than I expected, though I could be wrong.  And there is a part of me that does not want to think I will let my Choices go so easily.  Perhaps it is not what I think it is.  [blot]  Then the question arises; what would I even do with so much Choice now?  I wanted to learn everything, I wanted to catch up, to bend The Rules once I knew them.  [spot]  But it seems, once you are not alone, it always comes back to others.  I try to hold on, but it seems I cannot.  Do I fight?  What do I fight?  For them?  Myself?  Both?  Do they even want it?

[blot]

This is such a mess that I cannot answer.  I need [blot]  something more than just to [a few more spots]  Thorns.  [there is a splatter of ink here]