71, Scion, 1327

[blot]

I hardly know what to put here.

[a few more spots] We got it. We found the stone. As much as I am pleased, I also know I will likely find myself in more trouble, but [spot] I really don't care. I may find myself later evicted and cast out, but I still do not care. [blot] I feel what was done was right. And I will fight for my Choices.

As I will fight for their Choices unlost.

[blot]

I said before that I don't know what I will be left with if I leave. I suppose I don't know what I will be left with if I am cast out either. Likely the same things I had before I came. [a few more spots]

They are kind, and they are a family, and they are comfortable giving their lives for each other to hold. I am not. Though I have joined them, I [spot] do not fit. I still barely know them, and they barely know me. How can I be part of that? I doubt I fit. And I doubt I will be further welcome once this is done.

But that it is done is what is important.

They will keep to them what matters.

If a price must be paid, I am sure they'd prefer it be the one Unknown than their family.

[blot]

Now for thoughts and theories.

I wish to see if I can't disrupt, or attract the tether to something else of my likeness. I can create a foci, a link in crystal containment, to the In-Between; a place which has tempting amount of power, yet quite difficultly reached and converted. [blot] Of course, that may result in warping. The In-Between tends to try and... take what it claims. [spot]

Perhaps that isn't so wise.

Perhaps though, it may be better to find a source of power on Tyria? I would consider a portal to the Underworld, but what a mess that would be, a stone tethering to the souls there. If that isn't a disruption in the Rules and Balance, I am not sure what would be. So that should not... necessarily occur.

I should think, though, of ways other than redirection involving myself. [blot]

How to actually stop this. The stone itself draws energy, I wonder if there is a way to Bend the energy it draws in the process of its drawing that makes it unappealing enough to release. Something like 'tainting the supply'. We know that it repels Null Magic attempts. . . I wonder if it would be possible to, reverse the magic drained to the stone into something with nullifying magical properties before it reaches the Stone. If that may sever the connection? It is something I can replicate, certainly, but not for an extended amount of time, and not in all fronts. I am curious if Phooka could create such a device.. he spoke some in writing of reversing poles and negative fields. Might he be able to create a field around the stone which changes the energy that passes through it to something nullifying? If such a thing works, it may sever all ties at once.

Or, perhaps, it may be easier to create a device which might change the output of energy on a single person. [spot] This seems like it may be less dangerous; while it would render them magically inept while the device is worn, it would not, theoretically, alter the energy they output themselves, merely shift it before it escapes beyond themselves. In that case, I would not be adversely affected. So long as the Chaos flows through me, I am fine. If it were for a few moments that it flows through me, and escapes my body as Chaos, but something changes its general composure beyond there, it will not affect my ability to survive directly. [spot]

I'd like Lafey to look at the stone and see if it is stealing lifeforce, and from there, we can determine more ways to procede. Clearly it is connected to the soul, but it seems to drain life from humans. I wonder if it simply picks up on 'vital energy' and takes it, as the Chaos is.. [spot] close to such a thing for me.

Sphae could inspect it for ways it seems to react to the elements and forces of Tyria. It seems to have some.. [blot] well. I don't know, it, at times, looked to have a small flame in it. I wonder if it actually does? Might she be able to pick up on the sort of energy it holds? If it is really a stone at all, anything related to earth, or if it is some other sort of formation. She may be able to tell, and if it isn't of Tyria's natural forces, then perhaps it is a construction, and not what we've been led to think it is at all.

I would like to see if I can actually pick up on the Chaos it has taken in, if it is storing it, or converting it, or sending it elsewhere. It would take a particular bit of 'marked' Chaos to be taken, like a beacon in the energy tethered to the stone, and then watched through the Inbetween as to what happens to the energy the stone draws in, but it is possible. If we know where the energy goes, and what happens to it, that could give us further leads on preventing it altogether. I could only hope for my stability during such a process.

There is much more that can be done, but these sorts of things give us a place to start. I am not sure when that map will be found, but certainly for as long as it is searched for, experiments can be run on solutions.

70, Scion, 1327

I saw Lafey the other sun.

She called me out to the Secret place -[streak, spot]

She told me about where her life is, very subtly, and thought she may go with me somewhere to stay. It sounds as though that there is someone after her and the Neily, and that perhaps that troublesome doctor who left may return. She doesn't know what is happening, doesn't know if the one after them, a detective, perhaps is lying, or may want to lure them out to possibly kill them. ... Or was it another who may have wanted to kill them? Her words made it sound like it could have been that doctor, if taken differently.

[a few spots] I can tell that it worries her. She says she will figure it out, but she called for me and told me this; of course I want to help her. By the Winds, I will throw those trying to see her harmed to the In-Between if I must. [a few blots] Though I know that would cause a ripple effect, something that might only send more her way, so anything done of that sort needs to be careful. All possibilities accounted for as much as they could be. Unrelated connections would be a major factor, something too clearly with its own agenda to be string-connected to another. [spot]

But it was hard to think. Keeping the Chaos balanced now is like being in an ocean, trying to contain a whirlpool within my arms; it's so simple to get swept away, and it takes much of my focus to stay above the currents, nevermind try to keep the Chaos anywhere.

What am I if I cannot help or be there for the ones I love when they need me? What am I if I cannot be where I want to be?

But instead the ocean drained. She held me when the Chaos was kept from me, even through the returning storm. I felt her get colder, though I also felt my own warmth, as she remained. [a few spots] It was comforting, though.. I merely hope it simply was. A comforting 'was' in my temporary fading.

She went back with me to the Reach not long after, worried I should not go alone, and I gave her notes on the stone artifact then. She wishes to help me, and I would love her help, though [blot] I wish to help her too, and I hope she will allow me to if she wants it.

I wonder if she felt like this, feels like this. She spoke to me as though it is all too familiar, and I suppose it is, coming close to an earlier End, dealing with that which prevents the self from what could be a true potential. [a few spots] I feel I am so much less lately, and it is infuriating. I do not want to be that sort of weight on another, do not want to be something merely dragged around, potentially pitied, thought of as something 'unable' or 'non-viable' due to unwanted and unwelcome circumstance. I want to be able to do all I wish to do, all I am capable of doing, without having to tiptoe around this and how others may react to it. I hardly fit, and it causes me to fit less.

[blot]

I was glad to see her, though I want to be able to do what I can and what she hopes for. I was glad she stayed with me, but I don't want to be simpley an added burden thrown on the pile.

[spot]

I need to find a solution. And now is the time to start. No more waiting.

69, Scion, 1327

"The worst you can do is give in, and lose yourself."

Remember this.

Thank you for being there to remind me if I should forget. Thank you for having the patience to tell me to have patience.

[blot]

Thank you for telling me that I have a place in this world, even though I still don't know if I can believe that. It means a lot though, to hear, even if it might not be or remain true.

I will try my best to remember. To be patient. [blot] And to believe you.

You are a grand friend, and I trust you as much as my path can allow. I hope I don't let you down.

I hope I don't let me down.

May my Choices be sound enough, and the Winds and the Chaos be in my favor.

If they are not, I am sorry.

67, Scion, 1327

To write simply for writing.

What has happened that I haven't spoken beyond the small, strange decay of something else that seems to be occurring to me? It's both maddening and hilarious. And yet nothing at all, not really, since so much can be done that is not.

I don't plan to listen.

Last time, it didn't quite go as planned, but this time I won't let that matter.

[blot] And then, I think, what will I have then?

Such a strange, passing thought that, otherwise makes no sense, but right now, amidst the twisting currents of Chaos washing through me, it makes a perfectly logical dilemma. What will I have then?What. Will I have then?

[blot]

Echoes. Thoughts. Wishes to run. Uncertainties. I don't know if I will stay. I don't know if I will stay, as I am simply always reminded how much I do not fit here. What I am does not [blot]

What I am decays to something else. And perhaps in that decay, it only becomes all the more clear,what I am, to those who can't see it. Terrible. Unwell. Disturbing. [blot] And then there are those who think it is Grand, Fascinating. The most Artful of Messes. [a few more spots]

I think I understand a little now. I feel my thoughts are twisting. Something is different here, and I am not quite sure if it's a desperation. There is something desperate about it. Something desperate about everything I want, as though it may fall too late to want it any further. Too late before I am more Chaos than Body. [blot] even to them. [a few more spots]

But I shouldn't give in to it. I don't feel I will lose my Choices, but I also feel I may be wrong. I don't[blot] I can't just Leave. I don't want to just Leave. There is Phooka I must consider. And Sphae. And always Lafey. [a few spots] Of course there is Lafey, but I feel that, even if I leave the realm of a body, thatshe would be able to find me if she really wanted to. Something there feels [blot] Alright. The comforting sort. I cannot even explain quite why, but we both feel somewhat beyond how bodies hold us, and I think [blot] that is part of why she can create a place I fit so well. Of course, I could be wrong. I could be wrong about all of it, and it's not like I want to be away from them. Though would I really be so far away from them? I [blot]

Find myself having thoughts, so many thoughts, whispers, and [A few more spots] they seem like mine.The whispers of the Chaos bleed over to whispers of myself. Things I think and feel. There is and will always be a Choice, but here, the Chaos slowly takes me. The more I become unstable, the more it takes me, the more I will [more spots]

be Brought Back.

I don't know anymore. Is it right? Is that where I 'belong'? It seems more and more tempting, more and more it comes together like a stilling pool to make a discernible reflection, and that reflection tells me -[streak, spot]


When I take my Silence, everything is twisted. To find a calm, it is as though what twists squeezes sap from itself in tiny, golden liquid crystals which fall to a place far below to form something of more 'reality'. I am always higher with all that is warped, and must return to the ground to find what's more smooth. A shimmering creation, like a show of sparks. It becomes difficult to tell what is closer to 'reality' at all. You can never quite tell you are in a maze until you can look out above it. So then where is the reality I Choose?

Is it all the hard, even, sensible things that you run into when you place a hand before you?

Or is it really everything twisted that always seems a little further away, bleeding up higher? Is it in seeing that what falls from those twisted things is what creates the foundations of all that can be 'sensible' at all?

[a few more spots]

I should stop this. I should see what can be done.

A number of entries...

There are several entries here.  (placeholder for others missing)

41 Scion, 1327

Finally~

That is a word that comes to mind about how I felt this previous sun, though never an expectation, it was [blot]  I am simply so glad to have seen Lafey again.  She reminds me of what I Choose to live for, at times.  With her I find a place to breathe like something that fits could, to be, to exist with little worry. [blot] Often without having, or even wanting, to hide.  I would like her to be the holder of my Secrets, someday.  When I lose track of what's in front of me, seeing her is far better than any run.  I can only ever hope that I might bring her some fragment of that, that she can feel such a way herself, even if not by my presence, but somewhere.  She gives me, simply by her being, something I never knew on my own, and [blot]

I really do love her.

And I love what she finds, and chooses to show me~

That letter, she wished to show me a Secret place of hers, and it was so grand!  I am still here as I write, I have decided to stay, to make it a small place that might hold me for the tiny time of rest.  I told her about how I used to travel, and the Choice of a place to remain, to come back to for a little while, before heading onwards again.  She suggested that here be such a place, and it is perfect~

Though I [blot] am not a thing that fits, I feel when I am with her, that I fit best.

We spoke of many things, and gave each other Secrets when we met.  She was surprised to see me changed, though I believe my leaves met her mussing approval for now, and before long we traveled further within Ascalon to these exquisite ruins~  Thorns, I wish I could remember the way, Ascalon is such an unfamiliar place for me, as if I was not bad enough at directions.

There are creatures, trees, a waterfall, ruins of course, and it is in a small, secluded valley.  One closed off, an excellent Secret indeed~

We climbed up higher to speak, and [blot] I told her of the.. terrible stupidity I dealt with, that Abrecan had made it fine, yet was in a lesser state now, a bit of what Sphae and I had done, and other things soon enough.  She [blot] reminded me of the consequence to running alongside others.  They will be idiotic, and reckless, and it should not be unexpected.  I [blot] realized it was mostly my fear of the Growth that upsets me.  To drag Sphae through such an ordeal as well, that she must feel what I felt with the Chaos panicking near the Growth, it [blot] was infuriating.  But it was ultimately my Choice, my mistake.  I wanted a change, and I do not seek to restrict others' Choices, I merely must be more.. accepting, or perhaps mindful of my own Choice in others' contradiction.  Or simply put no trust in their judgments, and go with my instincts first.

[a few blots]

I gave her some of the stones I had found for her.  The magically infused ones, the ones I thought may work better than gems, and [spot] She thinks they could work!  She thinks they may be able to help her with her condition, that she may be able to touch others again, and by the Winds, that is so incredibly exciting.  She seemed so pleased, and also sad, but that look, I think, was one of... relief, disbelief, overwhelming unexpected happiness.  Or so I hope!  I just [spot]

She seemed to pleased to be more human.

[a few more spots]  That she wouldn't need to fear many of the things she does now, that she would be able to touch others, and [blot] I hope she can.  I don't know if she would ask for more help from me, but I hope that she can do it.  I know if she did, I would help any way I could, for having more Choices, living without a fear, doing something she always wished she could, and being more of what she wishes to be [spot] what could be more grand than helping to lift one I love so dearly to such a goal?  To make it just that much more attainable until she can find it?  To finally make one of her inevitabilities something no longer inevitable?

I am so pleased for her.  I hope she finds a way, and I am so glad this gives her more likelihood of it being so.

We spun a small game of words not long after, such woe at my coy meanings within meanings~  At least I am not so bad as the company sometimes held~  Her curiosity of who told me various things was somewhat amusing~

Lafey mentioned how she found the place, 'a man with no tact whatsoever'.  Who also appears to be a hypocrite, and a stumpy legged-tumor Vanguard Captain.  That must be fairly strange to deal with.  He didn't arrest her, which was well enough.  Apparently she was bending the Rules of taking a Dolyak somewhere, however, it wasn't upset about this, so I still don't see quite what the problem is.  She wished to test the Rules, which, I also see no problems with; it is really the only way to know how far and which ways they can be Bent, hm?  Apparently she likes the tumor captain, and thought instead that flirting with him might be interesting.

[blot]

I didn't actually know that flirting was also a means of obtaining information, but when she explained it to me, it actually does make some amount of sense.  The Neily wanted her to practice it, and I have to say I am somewhat curious about it as well, should it concern information. . . I will need to remember this.  Perhaps we can both practice somehow.  She said that it is forward with less innocent intentions, and is much like lying.  She also said that Phooka does it, though [blot] I tend to doubt that he lies when he says such things.

They met together, her and Phooka, and explored some other ruins. It is so very grand for them, that must have been exciting~  They [spot] seem to understand each other much better, I hope that they meet more often, I don't doubt the other's company brings quite a bit of warmth.  I hope that I, as much as I fall behind, can still compare.

She asked me something surprising though, if I wished to keep this place a Secret between her and I, and that she would not tell Phooka.  I was [blot] flattered, honored, that she would only wish to share a Secret with me and none other, but such a thing wasn't mine to hold, unless she wished it be.  [a few more spots]  It is such a grand place, I could not speak to have it kept from him.  But that she offered to have a Secret between us meant so much.

[a few more blots]

I was so glad to come out here and see her, to see what she wished me to see, and stay here for now.  Such things are such welcome solace amidst a storm of all else.

40 Scion, 1327

[blot]

No.



What else do I even say about that? The amount of sheer idiocy, how completely [blot] by the brambleous Winds, why?

I mean thorns, they got what they wanted, but by what idiotic means [smear]

I am still so completely done. And so upset that I dragged Sphae through that as she was [blot] I should have gone with my instincts, I did not [blot]

I will learn. Next time I won't agree, especially when another WHO IS COMPETENT depends on me, because that was atrocious. I couldn't stay. I couldn't bare to stay near them. We couldn't stay, and I'm just so upset that [blot] Ugh. UGH.

To think I would let such idiocy happen a second time, I am ashamed.

But they make their own Choices, so let them get what they choose.

Barreling through the Growth and the deserts like that, and then climbing up it, by the Winds.

[a few blots]

At least if the stone is what is causing this ridiculous behavior, they are seeking a way to sever it's hold. I left my theories. Sphae and I escaped their rash decisions.

And she felt she was ready to be free of the Chaos, so.. we did that. As expected, she can't move well anymore, and I have been staying with her. I'm not sure where we are, somewhere in the Kessex hills perhaps? She was worried for me, but I am more concerned for her. I [blot] knew the Chaos would act as it did. It was only a temporary struggle, nothing that lasting, though [blot] I wonder what my face looks like now. I can feel the split bark and leaves around my eyes, the smoother places where sap has hardened. I hope it's not too alarming, because it's really nothing to be alarmed for.

In the meanwhile, I remade for her something so we may communicate, since hers was.. destroyed before.

[a few blots]

It seems I have a letter, and a Shade brings it..

[ a folded letter is in these pages, and the writing seems to cease here ]