17, Phoenix, 1327

I released some of the Chaos, last sun.

I released it, I ran, I hardly remember more than what it felt like, the small leaflet tears between when I saw the place my body was in, instead of all the places the rest of me was.  It was grand, it was relieving, it was tiring, and it was frightening.  It was wild.  It was so very wild.

I don't think I did anything else too much harm, or nothing that matters.  It made little tears in the realm, it was so strong around me, like a tiny chaotic trail of a serrated scene to where so much of me resided, to all the places I resided.  But they didn't remain as much as I didn't remain.  I couldn't stop moving.  Even after I ran to where I wanted to be, in the Ruins, I couldn't stop moving.  It brought me around every which way, even when I was running; I only held onto running when I had to, and that was the only way I kept forward, and not instead seeking all directions.  I was pulled in such a way that I haven't been pulled for a long time.

[blot]

I wonder if it really did bring me closer.

This feeling that lingers... it's hard to tell if it is simply lingering, or if it is here to stay, the slight sidestep away from Here towards.. There.  To Nowhere.  It's as calming as it is terrifying.  And then the two seem to nullify each other like colliding stones, as it instead simply becomes 'the way it is'.  [blot]

I need to seek a way out.

I need to find it.  Waiting does me no good, and now I have the chance to study my own subjects as far as I've the time, as far as I don't need to look at what's right in front of me [streak, spot] but I always should strive to look right in front of me.  Will I be too late?  How [blot] long until I -[streak, spot]  [a few more little blots like a tapping pen]

Even still it was exhilarating.  I.. [spot] am almost afraid to say it, but it was.  It was as the Chaos is.  It was more than just following the winds, and dancing with them, it was being the winds.  No longer trapped in a single spot, from a single view and body [blot]  I... I was not myself, not really, only a part, but the part that is so much more than I am alone.  As the Winds of Chaos I could look down, see the world I lived in and knew; I always live so close to the ground, but this was like it was far away, or even much much closer than I ever would normally be.  Or I could look to all the sides.  To the sky.  I could whirl about in all directions and be many places at once, it- [spot]

It is incredible.  But - [spot]  I don't know.  I've found a balance, but always, one way or another, the scales tip.  Just not so much for it all to spill over the edge... at least not yet.  This time, the scales tipped heavier to the Chaos, and it was the rest of what I am that may have spilled over.  Yet.. [blot]  I know that the scale itself and all in it is, in whole, what I am.

[blot]

It was incredibly wild.  And I was so tired when it was done, in fact, the body could not take anymore which made it done.  Yet- [blot]  still I sparked.  For a long while, I still sparked and it [spot] It helped, but I do not think it was complete.  Of course, I know the only time it will ever complete is at the end, but.. [blot]

I think I took a small step closer to where it always tries to lead me.

[a few more spots]  I am going to start my research again soon.

[another blot]

Before that, I told Lafey I was going.  I did come back, like I said, as soon as I could drag myself over to a waypoint, and.. [spot] to where I needed to be.  I didn't want to use the Chaos' help, because it might pull me again, so it was very.. very difficult.  I don't know if she said much to me when I came back, or even if she was there [spot]  I remember seeing her sometime, hearing her voice, I couldn't help but smile, but I could barely speak, and just went to collapse in a bed.

But before that, I spoke with her and.. [spot]  It seems she has a Secret project of sorts for a lazy person.  She didn't say much about it, of course, as it was Secret, but she mentioned heirlooms, very old things that people pass on for a long time to one another, as well as research that the person was too lazy to do for himself.  I can understand doing so much that some research gets pushed aside, but [blot] to not want to do it at all?  How strange!  Each has their own Choice, I suppose some... choose not to learn.  But it is [blot] silly, I think, not to seek for one's self.  I never got a chance to ask her if she got further with it.  It seemed to trouble her some, but.. [spot] when I returned, I could hardly speak.  I.. will need to ask her soon.

And also about these... recollections.  Perhaps even my research as well, thorns, I need to do so much.