19, Phoenix, 1327

[there are several inkspots here]

Phooka has left.

He has gone to follow his own path with the Priory.  And he thinks we may not see each other for a long while.

[blot]

I have shifted so much between.. full of sorrow, and full of excitement for him.  It's... it's so strange.  I worry, yet I feel I do not have to, that I shouldn't.   I wish I would be able to be there to see him grow, to see all the excitement he gets himself into, and to experiment at his side.  But that he has all that himself, that he lives as he wishes, and learns, and does the good he has always wanted to do is.. the most important thing.  It is his Choice that he has made, that he would like beyond all else, it seems.  How can I not be pleased for it?

And I am!  I am so glad he has found what he believes to be just what he needs.  I think it would be grand for him, to be among so many others that would share his enthusiasm, that he can learn from, and that he can teach.  Those other than whom he already knows that will appreciate and adore his inventions, that will help him create what he strives for.  I.. [blot] I hope he finds [spot] something much better than he ever would elsewhere.

[blot]

I regret waiting to do all I wished to do with him.  It.. is a terrible feeling.  It catches in my throat, the regret, the thoughts that.. I was so foolish to wait.  I.. I enjoyed all the moments and memories I have had with him though, that I will always remember as long as I can remember anything.  It has been a long while since I met him, but I [blot]  Even then, I was still behind, and I was not fast enough.  It was.. my own foolishness for that, and it pains me that I was not able to give him all that I could before.. I may not see him for Chaos knows how long.

But I think it will not be forever.  Or I hope not.  I will write to him.  I will write about all manner of things, like he wanted, and like I want too.  Perhaps I will tell him that I had been thinking my 'birthday' should be soon, or all that I intend to research, and how - I do not even remember if he knows how I am behind.  Perhaps?  He says he will not forget me.. and that will be grand enough.  [blot]  I had always thought I would.. continue to be alone, before I met them.  It's strange how this hurts while making me smile.  It [spot]

I miss him.  I will miss him very much.  But it is so much better than it could have been.

He has himself now. Of course, he always did and I hope always will, but now, I think, much less will threaten to take it from him, as he once felt may happen.  I was able to show him how to keep his Silence, I [blot] am still so... honored, feel so grand and .. important to have been able to give him the Choice of that path.  One he seems so eager to explore, to seek all the Choice and Possibility he now has from it [blot] I-  [spots]  What could I have done that is greater than that?  To guide the way for someone to see so many things before them that they have never seen before.  And.. to do that for someone who matters so much, and wishes to create all sorts of brilliant things for the world.  [spot]  For someone I love.

It is much better than it could have been.  And [spot]  if.. if I fail.  I.. [blot]  I should learn what.. it is that I will face in Nowhere.  At least a little bit.  I.. I know I will miss everyone.  I will really be alone then, I should not- [blot]  This should not... [a few more spots]

Perhaps it will just be like how it was with Ren.  I.. the way it sounded, I imagine it will be longer between, but [blot].  We would send many letters.  We would meet now and then, speak about different things we'd learned and found, explore paths we couldn't traverse alone, get into trouble the other may like, and always find our way out again together.  [spot]  That's.. faded.  But [blot]  What something is with one, is not always as it will be with another.  I.. It may not be like this at all, really, but.  I know there is a way to be close while being in different places.  It's.. hard to 'be there', but.. we also don't have to be far.

[spot]

I.. do not know what I will tell Lafey.  I have stayed in this place for a long while, and - does she already know?  Perhaps she does..  perhaps not.  I'm not sure, really.  I don't know if he wishes to tell her himself, or [blot]  I should have asked.  Maybe I will, maybe I will write and see- though.  I will likely see Lafey before he gets anything I send, if he.. even will have any time to reply.  And it is not something I wish to keep Secret, not unless he wanted me to, and even then, I might protest it with him- it wouldn't really make sense to keep it a Secret from her, they both love each other too.  She may already know.

[blot, that somewhat trails off, like the writer lost track of his thoughts]

I ..will write to him soon.