70, Scion, 1327

I saw Lafey the other sun.

She called me out to the Secret place -[streak, spot]

She told me about where her life is, very subtly, and thought she may go with me somewhere to stay. It sounds as though that there is someone after her and the Neily, and that perhaps that troublesome doctor who left may return. She doesn't know what is happening, doesn't know if the one after them, a detective, perhaps is lying, or may want to lure them out to possibly kill them. ... Or was it another who may have wanted to kill them? Her words made it sound like it could have been that doctor, if taken differently.

[a few spots] I can tell that it worries her. She says she will figure it out, but she called for me and told me this; of course I want to help her. By the Winds, I will throw those trying to see her harmed to the In-Between if I must. [a few blots] Though I know that would cause a ripple effect, something that might only send more her way, so anything done of that sort needs to be careful. All possibilities accounted for as much as they could be. Unrelated connections would be a major factor, something too clearly with its own agenda to be string-connected to another. [spot]

But it was hard to think. Keeping the Chaos balanced now is like being in an ocean, trying to contain a whirlpool within my arms; it's so simple to get swept away, and it takes much of my focus to stay above the currents, nevermind try to keep the Chaos anywhere.

What am I if I cannot help or be there for the ones I love when they need me? What am I if I cannot be where I want to be?

But instead the ocean drained. She held me when the Chaos was kept from me, even through the returning storm. I felt her get colder, though I also felt my own warmth, as she remained. [a few spots] It was comforting, though.. I merely hope it simply was. A comforting 'was' in my temporary fading.

She went back with me to the Reach not long after, worried I should not go alone, and I gave her notes on the stone artifact then. She wishes to help me, and I would love her help, though [blot] I wish to help her too, and I hope she will allow me to if she wants it.

I wonder if she felt like this, feels like this. She spoke to me as though it is all too familiar, and I suppose it is, coming close to an earlier End, dealing with that which prevents the self from what could be a true potential. [a few spots] I feel I am so much less lately, and it is infuriating. I do not want to be that sort of weight on another, do not want to be something merely dragged around, potentially pitied, thought of as something 'unable' or 'non-viable' due to unwanted and unwelcome circumstance. I want to be able to do all I wish to do, all I am capable of doing, without having to tiptoe around this and how others may react to it. I hardly fit, and it causes me to fit less.

[blot]

I was glad to see her, though I want to be able to do what I can and what she hopes for. I was glad she stayed with me, but I don't want to be simpley an added burden thrown on the pile.

[spot]

I need to find a solution. And now is the time to start. No more waiting.