83 Phoenix, 1327

It was Ren's birthday last sun~ And of course, I remembered. I'd been thinking about it for quite a long while. I [blot] I was just glad I could be there, and that he seemed to enjoy all that was done to show we care for his existence. It is a grand existence~ I do not believe I would still be around in many cases if not for him. But more importantly, he is grand himself, and I hope he was able to get a glimpse of how much we all agree~

I had been looking for a place for him for a while, or [blot] well, actually, a boat. I was hoping to get him a boat, but in searching, I found a grand cove instead. I wasn't certain if he'd seen it, and I decided to stay there for a time, to see if it was fitting to reside at. I set up some things around as well, for it to be fitting to reside at now and then. A small shelter, and place to eat, a place to keep supplies, a fire, and so on. It was not extravagant, though I remember setting such places up when we thought we might stay somewhere a while, and there were no inns about. So I did it again, in part to see how it would hold up, but also for him if he wanted it. I wrote to Nenia and Lafey as well, telling them to prepare for a bit of water, since I had found a place.

[spot] I am so glad that he likes it~ I was quite surprised when he knew so little about the Arch, that he seems, despite what he does, much more enclosed than usual. Or at least was. I hoped that, if he needed a place to go quickly, he could just.. have somewhere.. to be, that perhaps this place could be an option. There are a number of lookout-like, hiding places in that cove too~

I wonder if he's found all the small little 'outposts' about the cove, the ones with torches that require balance or jumping to over bits left in the sea~ I know I thought those were quite exciting~

Alicia and Will gave him a grand feast and cake. We all had to help blow out the candles! Which reminds me:

Candle Blowing: A human tradition on birthdays, is to light a bunch of candles on a cake, and then blow them all out. While blowing them out, one makes a Secret Wish, which cannot be spoken, or it will not come true.

Though it took a lot of preparation, so in the meantime, we all went to the cove I had found. There, we each gave our gifts to Ren. Androsace gave him an Amulet of the Dead. The one she had was said to ward off spirits, which is not entirely the same as the one I had found for him at the Festival, though I didn't want to give him more than one of the same thing. He mentioned that he knew many sailors that had kept them, which was interesting. Because I didn't give him all I wanted to, I asked him if he would like both, Knowledge and Mystery..~ I was planning at first not to mention 'both' as an option, to see if he might figure out he has that Choice anyway, but since I didn't give him a second amulet, I thought I'd make it more clear. He seemed to like both the book, and the strange shard..~ Nenia got him a box, and I think within the box was a bottle, though I am not sure what was in the bottle; I couldn't stretch far enough. Whatever it was, Ren thought it was beautiful though. Lafey sat by me, and seemed pleased at all that was happening, but I think, perhaps, if she has a gift, it may be Secret. Of course, Secrets are some of the best sorts of gifts~

We stayed some time longer there, and I, eventually, showed them all to the waypoint, before we headed back. [blot]

It was so excellent to see Ren smiling so much as well~ I hope whatever Secret he wished for will occur soon enough~

81 Phoenix, 1327

Last sun was.. interesting. Quite a bit happened that was either grand or terrible, and then there were some things entirely in between and I really haven't the words for them.

Sphae and I infiltrated a place taken by the Nightmare Court. A sylvari there was grand at making disguises, it seems, to have another look as though they are one with Nightmare. ... And with that, Sphae and I.. [blot] looked around the place for our own reasons.

I still don't quite know hers. I am guessing research, but for what, I do not know. Either way they are her Secrets, and [a few more spots] well, it really isn't that important to place here anyway. She knows mine, though. Somewhat.

The place I was looking for wasn't there. ... It's probably good that it wasn't, all things considered.

I really don't know if I would wish to sneak into that place again, now that I consider it. Would they remember me? I know not [blot] all of them were [a few more spots] . . . I can't help but wonder if the ones that remained returned to that place. Wherever it is. If .. they would recall me if I were ever seen. If they [blot]wish some sort of vengeance, or [spot] if they, perhaps, enjoyed what happened. I [a few blots] I don't know if that is a more or less favorable thing to hope for. [a few more spots] I don't think anything would have turned out the same if it hadn't happened, but -- [streak, blot]

Recalling that time brings up so many thoughts. They scatter like fireflies, when I jump into that place in my mind. [spot] It's hard to stop watching them.

Apparently, I can deceive even a Knight of Nightmare into thinking I am one of them.. sufficiently well.Well enough for praise, even. I do not quite know what to think of this either. I don't care for deception. [a few blots] Not even all that I said was a lie, though, so perhaps that... made some difference. The Chaos was helpful in.. thinking differently, though it always has been. All I really had to do was listen to some of the things it says, and speak the ones that sounded most like Nightmare. Then to think of Nightmare as I think of Choice; a really, incomparable thing, though [blot] I remember that many of them seem to think otherwise. Though other than cover, I did very little, until the end.

Sphae seemed to offer help to those captured. [a few spots] It was particularly hard to be around those cages and do nothing, but I [blot] left it to Sphae. I felt terrible for seeing those bars and thinking more about being behind them, than those who actually were behind them. It.. [blot] was troubling, but it clouded my thoughts so completely that considering a decent plan to help them was.. it ran from me entirely. I suppose that may have been just as well, terrible as it may sound to any other. It seems if it were known that many were sneaking in here to free others, the whole plan might be lost to the winds before a better effort than just the two of us, planless, might be made. Furthermore, there were far too many Nightmare. [a few more spots]

It was not the same place, but it was similar. I wasn't there for terribly long, but I could remember the sun, and there was no sun there. [an ink blot or two]

We looked around further and found nothing, at least to my end. Sphae decided to help a wounded pup... and that was when we were found. Or she was. They were able to tell she was a Dreamer. . . which was interesting, as she thought she was more Quiet than that. Though I am Soundless, they suspected nothing of my act, to my surprise. I never thought I was that grand a liar, though I suppose more morbid thoughts are.. not all that uncommon to me. Before we were approached though, Sphae seemed to think she may be in trouble, and told me to continue 'playing along' with what happens. So I did, making it out to be a deceitful capture. The Knight and some others attempted to capture Sphae, though she handled herself with quite some skill as I vaguely distracted the others, and eventually I stepped in to help a little. It didn't take long though, for the rest of them to realize there had been a problem. [a few spots]

A.. hoard of them came down to start firing at us. I covered us both with invisibility, but it seemed to damage and react oddly to our disguise magic, nevermind distort the air around us some; but if I were to get too injured or drop the cloak then, we would be in real trouble. It.. [blot] was not the same. It wasn't. But it reminded me so terribly much of.. before.

When we started running, I didn't dare stop. Nor look back. I had to try so hard to keep down the Chaos, I couldn't let that happen again, not with Sphae there, [large blot]

It didn't. We made it out. 

But I had to calm down. I really had to calm down, because I was [blot] afraid. Afraid it would happen again. But it didn't. I just had to stay still, had to realize we were out, and it was ok. Sphae seemed worried about me again. I wish I wasn't so much trouble at times. It didn't happen again, so there was no reason to be worried, but I knew I was probably acting very strangely.

Ugh, even just writing about this is troublesome.

We were both fine. I coaxed something up to help heal the pup Sphae had. No one followed us. Nothing... terrible happened.

We sat and spoke for a while longer, which was much more of a welcome calm. I told her it had happened during an escape. I think she will get the Wardens to help those that remain. And I was curious of her Quiet.

She had apparently once been fully Soundless for a time, but I believe she wishes to maintain some sort of connection to others, even though she feels quite far from them. I had thought one such as her would have a great many friends, and know a number of interesting others, but it seems [blot] that I have been the first one she was close to for a while. Apparently many of those she met are, perhaps, much more suitable to be turned to ash, as she mentioned~ But, to her, it seems, I am not one of them. She said I was intelligent and interesting, and.. not annoying, compared to most. She called me a friend as well~ Though I could see it was strange to her to say~ I couldn't help but mention I understood such feelings, as.. for the longest time, I didn't know if I should call anyone a friend, even though they certainly were. I am quite glad to be her friend though, as she is the same for me. I [blot] simply did not expect to be.. anyone of much consequence. It seems I end up that way sometimes, so.. I hope I can be a grand friend to her, despite that. She gave me a bunch of tiny huffs about the subject and spoke about the different rates that bodies burn. I found it pleasing, but I imagine she wouldn't care too much to ever know such a thing..~

It was not long before we parted ways, for her to return to the Grove and see to the little one, and I to.. get the brambles out of the forest. Overall, it was.. a very interesting day.

80, Phoenix, 1327

I met with Lafey last sun. It was entirely unexpected to meet at Lion's Arch, but it was quite grand to speak with her again. She was a bit worried though, and I don't actually know if much that I said helped, but at the least, it seemed to cause her a bit less distress to speak of it.

I gave her the gift I had for her~ She actually liked it, and said it was beautiful, which was also quite pleasing. I wasn't entirely certain, as I figure a great many would not necessarily appreciate it. But it was quite interesting! And perhaps even true, what was said about the arm, that it may help with necromantic abilities. I am sure, if she wishes, she will find use for it.

We also went to one of my more Secret places, the one near the Brand. It turned out to be a grand place to talk, despite her doubts, so we were able to speak more there. Lafey, at least, seemed comfortable, and laid herself across me to weave her Secrets of these two aggravating, troublesome, yet interesting men and their game. [blot] Lafey will not lose her Choices to anyone. These men, though, make her feel as a mere piece in the game they've devised of 'looking intelligent' and 'gaining money', which I feel is rather strange from the start. Understandably, she is curious, and wishing to see the 'winner', the one who can solve the puzzle and how they do it, and this is something I can certainly see being interested in. So I tried to offer a few different ways to shift among the pieces. To watch them, but know quite clearly that they may be aware of exactly what they give; there are those who often miss the stories they tell by mere actions and chosen words, thinking only their meanings cross to others. But there are those, who, I'd think in such games as these, might know exactly what they show and speak in ways beyond their own meanings, and use what's given, and what's Secret to their end.

Lafey does not know exactly what she wants, and neither would I in such a place, really, but I trust she knows how to walk the maze between what is, and what can be. There must be something there if she stays, and I think she will find it, or at least learn what it is and create ways to its gain. 

She also mentioned Ascalon being troublesome, though caring to keep these men.. separate. I am guessing from the rest of us, and all else. She didn't want others caught up in their games by her roots, which also makes sense. It would always, ultimately, be the choice of said 'others', whether or not they get involved, but.. perhaps just the feeling of it is a burden unwished. If it doesn't go as she wishes, I said that we could go to Ascalon anyway, though I am not the same.. company. I wonder what they would do there. [blot] The man, apparently, is a doctor. Though considering what has been said. . . [spots]

By a different branch, I told her of my own coming tests and potential change, of Nik and the Jesters a bit, from what I'd seen, and of some of the things that have happened among those I met. I wonder if she would ever care to meet them. She said she may not be ready to meet another group like that, and.. [blot]I felt the same as well, for a time. Though I.. need something. She found something in this game, and I have found something with this possibility. So we agreed, that, one day, when she is ready, and should it be as it sounds to be, that they may meet.

[a few more blots]

I didn't say much of my troubles, but.. [blot] well, they were only semi-momentary before, and.. [spot]shouldn't be too bad in the future, I hope. I mentioned that orb of potential escape to her, though she said she wouldn't need it, and.. I.. should likely keep it, all things considered. I'd really prefer not to get.. held by the Nightmare Court. [a few blots] Or held in an airship, if that ever does happen. Or held anywhere, really. I'm quite sick of being captured.

[blot]

I should also note to memory that.. mention of 'chess' itself was.. [blot] familiar. Very familiar, I felt I knew it very well, and yet could not place any one time I'd really played. I saw many.. 'flashes' though, many, like I had [spot] I don't know. It was odd. Perhaps sometime I should get the game for myself to see if I actually know what I think I know.

Regardless, it was grand to see Lafey smile again..~ I hadn't for a while, but there were a couple times when her pleased radiance shone through, and it was so grand to be part of.

Notes, a Letter, and 77 Phoenix, 1327

Notes: To Remember

Selda

* Girl
* Red hair
* Large dog
* Remember this
* Not actually Rafe or Nik.

[After the brief notes, there's been a letter stuck into this page, along with some more lengthy writing. If the letter is unfolded, it reads as follows: ]

The Letter:

[The arriving letter is again, warded. The letter looks like it had been rolled up, and appears to have had something attached to it that's since been taken off. If it did not reach its intended, it goes up in flames. The letter has a warm touch to it, as soon as the proper recipient has it. Unrolling it reveals what appears to be a blank page, but with what seems to be a strange translucent gloss of writing. After a moment, the gloss burns into a readable text.]

Xsaiavlairnn~,
I recall you talking about writing instructions on your new found method of writing to others, but here we have a first experiment. I think I understand enough that I can manage along just fine~. I suppose it works if you received this safely. Good for you. I still have the second one with me, hm? So that you can return a letter, if you so wish, and I'm sure you will, for I have some interesting news.


As I'm sure you can guess, the reason I have been venturing has not been for "environmental changes"~.. It is a little deeper than that, and well, of course, still seeing if I may run into my dear brother while I'm out there. I would hope not to run into him out there, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did~. I have a contact you may be interested in if you're seeking something further within the Nightmare Court. It seems we have tricky siblings that disguise themselves as courtiers to walk among them, to learn, and well, do what they will, I suppose. I made him show me his talent, because how good could he be, hm? He is quite good. If you would like to be introduced, to see for yourself, I'd like to take you when you have the time, if you're still around the area. I wouldn't expect you to go alone, either. I would like to come along, and see just how much we can fool the courtiers in our own searches for knowledge. If they were wise enough to find out, we can take our own, right~?


If it isn't something that interests you, that is quite alright. I can let you know what exactly you miss~. Take care of yourself in the meantime.

--Sphae

77, Phoenix, 1327 

I believe things are starting to change. Perhaps I am near what I am looking for, or at least, near finding something that might bring me to it. I am finally progressing, I think~ I am finally.. getting somewhere, navigating this lost space to a place that matters to me, and while I haven't found it yet, I can feel there is so much on the horizon, like standing with my feet in the sea as it pulls back for a large wave to come anew. It is exciting~

I still have to write Sphae back, and I will do it as soon as I am done with these memories. 

I followed the Winds back to the Motley the other sun, hoping I may find Nik there. And I was not disappointed~ I did find him, eventually, though it was by trick and chance that I had. He was acting as the voice of the Motley, deciding to call me 'Intruder' by choice. Really, though, I had been invited several times. I was told that I could stop by even when the others were not about. If that is something that is against their own 'rules', they need to clarify further. I managed not to get poisoned, nor trapped indefinitely forever there. Not that I would have been able to be held, I'm sure..~ There are ways of escape, should nothing else present itself, just merely.. more unpleasant than being given the Choice.

Anyway, our meeting was interesting. Nik very much as interesting as it sounded, even in just our short time meeting. He is apparently grand at keeping Secrets, which I certainly can respect. Furthermore, he is a human that doesn't have problems wearing little clothing, and that is also interesting. Most humans I have met certainly like to keep themselves Secret, I thought that was simply.. what humans do. He watched me for a while, though he didn't poke at me like Ren did. ... Yet, anyway. I [blot] actually asked, perhaps, about what one must do to join them.

Unfortunately, I couldn't simply know first, and decide if I wished to join later, it seems. Nik expected that I w- well, I suppose he wouldn't be wrong . . ... I don't know. I am [spot] I don't know if I will have a place here, but it still seems interesting enough to see. I am to be put to several tests, apparently, to see if I am suitable and I am quite curious as to what they are.

Though.. while heading to do them, I managed to lose Nik. Somehow. In a hallway. [blot]

That is probably my worse case of getting lost yet, other than the times when I forget where I am because I end up suddenly facing some other direction. Though the Chaos is involved then, and one can never be sure about anything when dealing with the Chaos.

Still, I lost him. I did manage to find one named Rafe though. He does remind me a little bit of Ren, at least in colors, though I think he is a bit stronger. He has chosen to call me 'Seven'. [blot] Apparently it sounds a bit like my name. I suppose it might if it is said very quickly, and forgetting several letters, like.. the X, the l, and the r. And a few sylables. [a few spots] Certainly an interesting Choice~ He made a number of strange faces at the tendrils, but the tendrils are probably stranger than the faces. As well as.. [blot]well, somewhat of a deformity. I suppose that human he mentioned, with extra fingers, might be too, especially since they can't grow or regrow limbs. Anyway, I couldn't stay long; only long enough to get tangled up it seems. Zaree came by, and got her arm stuck, so I had to untangle her. The two were speaking of the gods, and how they may or may not have yelled at anyone when [blot] I remembered I left Vathen outside.

I'd heard him yelling earlier, though I got carried away, and wanted to make sure nothing had happened.I went out to see to him, and it seems that he and another bird got in a bit of a disagreement; another bird that had a letter for me. 

That letter was from Sphae, and well [blot] It certainly isn't something I want to ignore. Since I lost Nik anyway, and when I returned, neither of the other two were about, I thought I'd just leave Nik a note. [a few more spots] I think it should be fine where I left it floating. Perhaps he lives in that little panel he popped out from on the Motley. He'll surely see it if he goes back there~

Meanwhile, I must write back to Sphae, nevermind any number of others, before seeing where it is she may be thinking of.

72 Phoenix, 1327

Last sun I took things down an easier path. [blot] Should I really be wandering around as I am anyway? I suppose I do have a lot of more stationary things I could be doing, but [blot] well. That certainly isn't as fun~

I think I would like to get out of my thoughts somewhat, and yet, what I am writing right now, what I will be inevitably thinking when having rooted myself however far up I may be when I find this place, and [blot]just everything I am doing in general requires thinking. It's such an odd [spot] feeling.

I'd really like to get away from myself.

But I know that isn't something that can happen, and I know there's no one else I would wish to be other than myself, so this just becomes another circular, unsolvable paradox. [a few spots] Sometimes I wonder if it is the limits on our words which limit us. In a way, we can only ever meaningfully communicate by such mutual understanding, and words are a large part of that. There are also feelings, thoughts, actions, and so on, but [blot] it's much harder to give those to another so clearly, since they can interpret things however they want. Even words are interpreted, though they often have certain meanings, so its easier with them. [a few spots] Though there are ways, to convey thoughts anyway, Lafey and I did it once. I wonder if she still has that gem.

By any branch, this really has nothing to do with what I intended to write about. I met Sphae last sun.She caught me trying to find 'the place'. I am pretty sure I apologized. I don't even remember it that clearly, but I know I wanted to, and I know if I did then I meant it. It was nice to see her well too; I didn't write it down, but she had been somewhat battered before, and last sun she bloomed wonderfully and brightly. I was glad for that at the very least.

[blot]

I told her what I thought it was that harmed me. About the Chaos and what it.. does to me at times. I don't know if she could completely understand, as my words could be jumbled, and I don't know exactly how to explain it.

[spot]

It's as though the sparks of Energy and Change themselves dance within me, and they twist, they push, they constantly move and wish to be let out. They wish to move more than they are able, trapped inside a small place. The more I move, the more space they get to do the same, but the more of those sparks appear within; each writhing to escape, each pushing to move more than they can. It doesn't stop, not easily and usually, but when they're there, all I want to do is keep going. There is something there I can reach, something grand beyond words and conveyance, that I can find if I just keep going. And it feels grand all the while! I.. forget I have a body, forget that I have to stay in one place at one time... [blot] even, at times, feel I can forget the Rules.

I didn't say it quite like that then, but.. that is.. some attempt at capturing what the Chaos feels like sometimes. And it just fills every part of me until I.. [blot] Well, I certainly am not paying attention to my body any longer. I know some say that their body screams at them when they go too far, but I have never heard it, never felt such a thing. Just.. just an overwhelming need to rest, and.. at various times my body will no longer work for me.

[a few spots] I told her this too, that it's hard for me to tell when I need to stop. I.. figured this might not go away, but I didn't want her to worry too much for me, should it happen again. It just means I need to stop, right? So I'll just stop then, I suppose.

She had a couple questions, but.. didn't ask much of it. [blot] She did ask about what I've been doing around Courtier areas. . . [a few spots] So I mentioned that as well. A little bit.

Mentioned what I was looking for. She was right, when she guessed that it may have had something to do with my back. I didn't say much else, other than I just.. I couldn't remember all of what happened, but I was looking for answers. I would at very least like to know where it started.

[blot]

We spoke about other things too, though, like how I had finished (mostly) my experiments, and how those crystals work. It is not often that I can speak to another about magical theory and they would listen, even ask about it beyond giving me looks of non-understanding~ It was nice. I gave her a pair of crystals as well, the ones to help allow for letters to find me quicker, regardless of location; though I've yet to send her, and everyone, the directions and explanation of them. I still think there would be a way for her to utilize something similar.

She also.. has not heard from Suinidos yet. I hope she does soon, if only for that. She seemed somewhat concerned about him before, I can only imagine that may have grown by now.

[a few spots] Thorns, I've so much writing to do, and this should be the perfect time for it, when I shouldn't be wandering about too far. Or at least shouldn't be straining myself much. [blot] I'm just not sure I can attempt to get away from myself if I'm staying still. What a problem. Perhaps I need more books. [blot]Well, I could always get lost in theory. . . I'll figure out something. I need to send a number of letters for all sorts of reasons, I'll find some time to sit myself down to do so.