66, Phoenix, 1327

[ A couple pages seem torn out, leaving this as the newest entry.]

I think I understand it now. What she meant when she said "it is satisfying when you realize how pointless it is." [a few spots]

I suppose it follows. Nenia said that giving advice is easier than following it, and she is right. I should follow better what I believe, my own advice about some things in particular.

Expectation. I've noticed, it keeps coming back when I don't want it at all. But I've also considered 'what is it to be a friend?' In some ways, there are expectations, at least in the common perceptions of them. Possibly those of some trust, of some loyalty, of one doing as they say they may do, of actions, of caring for the other, of wishing to be a part of their lives somehow, or of simply wishing they have a grand life as they choose it. None of these must be mutual, but some think it is much better if they are. Some of these, it can be argued, do not even need to be present. But some expect it. It's hard to know what one expects and what they do not mind, what one wants but will not speak; sometimes the two overlap and become problematic.

I am done with it. Or I want to be. I do not know how it does any good at all unless the expectations are actually wanted. [blot] Perhaps it creates an 'unknown' of sorts that is somehow appealing, a challenge in finding out 'what of these expectations do you share with another?', 'how close are we in thought without having to say anything at all?'. In a way, such surprises are a celebration of shared silence, of finding another solitary 'self' that is as they are without needing to change. But yet, everything changes, and everyone can learn so long as they have Choice. And Learning is really what life is isn't it? Seeking what you do not yet have, chasing the Unknown into places that make it all 'worth it', while holding what you have found as long as it's wanted or until it slips away. Change. Chaos. And a fitting balance.

It is a strange contradiction, this wish for another unchanging 'self' to show up and share a grand silence of expectations. Like a small folley that is enjoyed, but that enjoyment is really its only virtue. I cannot speak against such wishes, for each is their own, but I think that being so bound to that kind of contradiction leaves so much open space to be hurt.

This is partially why I wish to be done with it. Perhaps should it happen, then it may be a small enjoyment, but it is nothing more than that folley; nothing more until something is said, something is learned, something changes.

[blot]

I found myself distressed last sun, and turning to Knowledge as an answer. To just seek knowledge. As though that would [blot] keep it at bay. To see what was right in front of me that I could not otherwise see because I was too trapped in my own thoughts. To see what I really have. To see what is vacant.

Some of what I thought I had, I realized perhaps I don't. Perhaps I should stop believing I do. At least until it is in front of me, should it ever be.

I was relieved to feel something, but it was also so familiar. Will anything change if I keep feeling this way? I certainly do not think so for the better. What I want is something I do not think I have. [blot] But what I want... I don't think I will easily find either.

It all seems to last for such a short moment. All the moments I had that I still hold were grand, but they have come and gone, and those that come after will never return to those that were. But by a twisted contradiction, perhaps by the Rules or Balance itself, Chaos remains. Change remains. What is not there will always be needed as long as life continues. I've stopped waiting. Now is time for the next step.

[a few blots]

For my memory, something may be troubling Kohler, but she enjoys Secrets. I have told Lafey about my thoughts, remember not to tell her again. Nenia seems troubled, and [blot] understandably so, but I think she is far more needed than she believes. [there is a blot of ink here like something else may be written, but it seems that was not the case]