- Ren saw them in trouble, Will, and Kohler / Beset responded
- Kohler
- Also heard her called 'Beset'
- Apparently doesn't know any of us.
- Doesn't seem to like us much either.
- Unsure who she is and why she's there, but Will does not seem alarmed.
- Doesn't like me writing (too bad. I choose to write.)
- Woman particularly interested in Nenia
- One who did this
- Looked familiar to Will
- Apparently tried to kill Kohler's brother (and failed) (supposedly a "group effort")
- May have been working with Jerod.
- "seemed desperate" may have had a 'vendetta'
- apparently apt on hostages.
- Assumes it was personal.
- A man was with the woman.
- Dark armor
- Wore a helmet
- Apparently was 'clipped in the shoulder'
- Dove off a cliff..?
- May have been a friend or contact to the woman (Will doesn't know)
- Will
- Claims my book may be found or traced; though I doubt he knows the wards on it.
- Claims more people knowing what happened could place them in danger.
- Not sure what happened the other night, thinks it is revenge for getting in the way of the woman's job.
- Woman's job: Killing Kohler's brother, (probably) Killing Will in Kessex
- States that he and Ren try to help people in trouble.
- Ren saw Androsace and Nenia in trouble and there was a response before Seraph could arrive.
- Ren
- Apparently couldn't help directly.
- Will
- Doesn't seem to think there is a way to be prepared against potentially hostile individuals.
- Note: This is very odd, considering that he is a fighter. There is something to be said for being aware you are more likely to be in a fight than not; one may arm themselves and procede with a different frame of mind than if one felt they are much less likely to encounter hostility. I don't understand his reasoning.
- Thinks those after.. whoever they are after are acting both scattered and united.
- Apparently doesn't know when or how people will be attacked.
- Didn't know one of us specifically would be targeted when we last spoke. [blot]
- Note: I think he and Ren have done and will do all they can to help with this. Androsace seems less certain, though [blot] I understand her frustration.
- Nenia
- Had a sword from one of her attackers.
- Possible that it could be warded, spelled, or otherwise used as a beacon.
- Needs to be mentioned immediately.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Notes: Androsace and Nenia Attacked
The Situation (much stated by Will)
24, Phoenix 1327
[blot]
I've been writing notes in other places. Since [spot] the releasing of all that Chaos, I.. noticed something. I mean, I had then, I mentioned it I think in these memories, but it [blot]
I'm worried it might pull me closer quicker.
If I have learned anything over the past season, it is that waiting to take an action you wish to take is a mistake. I have not completed, not nearly, my research yet on how to go to the Mists instead of Nowhere upon my End. But I think if I do not soon, I may... not have the chance.
It's [blot] important. Though I realize I know little of the Mists, little of much surrounding them, how the things that go there enter, if I may have to be in more places at once than one, if it's possible [blot] there are so many questions. Lafey [spot] said she would help a while back, but [blot] I... know things change. She has been busy. At least she was alright, so far as what Will mentioned last sun, that she and Ren were in Beetletun though.. [a few more spots] I still worry.
I had spoken with Nenia. I told her of what happened, and.. she seemed concerned, until we found Will. Who told us that everything was 'fine as it could be' and they were alright and in Beetletun. I.. [blot] I do not know. Things have seemed strange. Perhaps it is just me, I.. know that.. something is different. Just a little, but it is, so perhaps that is what causes it. Perhaps [spot]
Perhaps I worry I won't see them again if I am pulled too quickly.
I do not know, I just.. wish them well with what they are doing. It is strange that Ren had said I could meet him and we never did. It is strange I get no word from either, but.. maybe.. [blot]
There is something else I need to remember.
Will had also been having strange 'dejavu', and thought that our theory seems.. likely. I wrote to Lafey about it. That we should all speak to see what happened. If [blot] she wishes to, but it is more than just myself that may find problems. I just.. I do not know what exactly is happening, if it was the experiment. We need to look it over, I think.
Other things.. There was a shooting by the clinic. Will has a new job where he is protecting people (I think), and sometimes gets lost in his work as I do. I do not know if I already wrote of the gifts I got here, I know I did to Phooka. But Lafey got me a grand orb, like the misbehaving one that she surprised me with, Nenia got me an intriguing crystal, one with interesting properties that split forces and needs further experimentation, and Diela got me a book that looks interesting, yet I need to find the time to look over.
[blot]
My mind wanders further than the ink from my hand does. I think I will take my Silence.
I've been writing notes in other places. Since [spot] the releasing of all that Chaos, I.. noticed something. I mean, I had then, I mentioned it I think in these memories, but it [blot]
I'm worried it might pull me closer quicker.
If I have learned anything over the past season, it is that waiting to take an action you wish to take is a mistake. I have not completed, not nearly, my research yet on how to go to the Mists instead of Nowhere upon my End. But I think if I do not soon, I may... not have the chance.
It's [blot] important. Though I realize I know little of the Mists, little of much surrounding them, how the things that go there enter, if I may have to be in more places at once than one, if it's possible [blot] there are so many questions. Lafey [spot] said she would help a while back, but [blot] I... know things change. She has been busy. At least she was alright, so far as what Will mentioned last sun, that she and Ren were in Beetletun though.. [a few more spots] I still worry.
I had spoken with Nenia. I told her of what happened, and.. she seemed concerned, until we found Will. Who told us that everything was 'fine as it could be' and they were alright and in Beetletun. I.. [blot] I do not know. Things have seemed strange. Perhaps it is just me, I.. know that.. something is different. Just a little, but it is, so perhaps that is what causes it. Perhaps [spot]
Perhaps I worry I won't see them again if I am pulled too quickly.
I do not know, I just.. wish them well with what they are doing. It is strange that Ren had said I could meet him and we never did. It is strange I get no word from either, but.. maybe.. [blot]
There is something else I need to remember.
Will had also been having strange 'dejavu', and thought that our theory seems.. likely. I wrote to Lafey about it. That we should all speak to see what happened. If [blot] she wishes to, but it is more than just myself that may find problems. I just.. I do not know what exactly is happening, if it was the experiment. We need to look it over, I think.
Other things.. There was a shooting by the clinic. Will has a new job where he is protecting people (I think), and sometimes gets lost in his work as I do. I do not know if I already wrote of the gifts I got here, I know I did to Phooka. But Lafey got me a grand orb, like the misbehaving one that she surprised me with, Nenia got me an intriguing crystal, one with interesting properties that split forces and needs further experimentation, and Diela got me a book that looks interesting, yet I need to find the time to look over.
[blot]
My mind wanders further than the ink from my hand does. I think I will take my Silence.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Notes: Goals
Research and Experimentation
Experiments (Lesser)
Research and Experimentation
- Retainment of Memories
- - Beyond written words
- - More like experiences
- - Can be accessed only by those chosen
- - Can choose further what to see
- - Perhaps even how to see it
- - Potentially a realm
- - Asura have holograms; close but not quite, better though
- - Mesmeric illusions, but also not quite (don't care much for this)
- - The Dream is similar, but allows no Choice and is, supposedly, 'random'
- - Perhaps there are other similar things. . .
- - Theory: Quite crude right now. I may be able to create a realm of sorts Elsewhere, and find a way to 'place' memories there into the realm itself in an overlapping, encompassing fashion like I may place a second self. ... There are so many factors in the way of this though, and [blot] I am not concentrating in this in particular momentarily. Any theories will be elaborated later.
- A Way to the Mists in the End
- - MUST keep Secrets, thoughts, and memories from going to the Dream, or else it is null.
- - Research the Mists
- - Research souls, spirits, the underworld realms, what occurs to them there, if known at all.
- - Note: I don't think it is, but I can still dig through theories.
- - [blot] Perhaps research a potential separation of soul and recollection, if nothing else. Recollection staying behind and soul to the Mists.
- - Is there a way to be in two places at once? Is there a part of the Mists that overlaps heavily with the In-Between?
- - Research portals to the underworld; I know.. quite a bit about how to maintain and close them, but only by experience. I could certainly learn more.
- - Research what distinguishes a soul; it's not known if sylvari have them, but perhaps that can be found out.
- Find Out What is Happening With Nenia (and perhaps myself)
- - Speak with the others about if they are having similar moments of strange recollection.
- - If so, perhaps we can work together to figure it out.
- - If not, I.. am not entirely sure. It will be seen then.
- Learn More of The Chaos
- - how far it pulls, and to where.
- - If it has reason to lead me (somewhere, or to Ending).
- - the tendrils, to train them further, and see what [blot] they may do.
- - [spot] Perhaps.. even learn what happened. I don't think I forgot that, just.. do not quite know.
- Research The Spirits in the Place with Strange Plants
- - Observe them
- - note down what I see, if they speak, if I can speak with them.
- - They had odd clothing; perhaps I could find it and learn more.
- - Research the spirits and the area.
- Learn of The Rules
- - I will need to focus on this sometime; I do not think, though, that there is any one place to learn these.
Experiments (Lesser)
- Portals on Varying Surfaces
- Teleportation Discrepancies
- Remotely Reaching Realms
- Creation of a Realm
- Sustainment In-Between
- Time Manipulation (Present or Other Realm)
- Second-Selves
- - Observation of the Outside Returned
- - Furthered Radius Existence
- - Interconnection
Saturday, April 19, 2014
19, Phoenix, 1327
[there are several inkspots here]
Phooka has left.
He has gone to follow his own path with the Priory. And he thinks we may not see each other for a long while.
[blot]
I have shifted so much between.. full of sorrow, and full of excitement for him. It's... it's so strange. I worry, yet I feel I do not have to, that I shouldn't. I wish I would be able to be there to see him grow, to see all the excitement he gets himself into, and to experiment at his side. But that he has all that himself, that he lives as he wishes, and learns, and does the good he has always wanted to do is.. the most important thing. It is his Choice that he has made, that he would like beyond all else, it seems. How can I not be pleased for it?
And I am! I am so glad he has found what he believes to be just what he needs. I think it would be grand for him, to be among so many others that would share his enthusiasm, that he can learn from, and that he can teach. Those other than whom he already knows that will appreciate and adore his inventions, that will help him create what he strives for. I.. [blot] I hope he finds [spot] something much better than he ever would elsewhere.
[blot]
I regret waiting to do all I wished to do with him. It.. is a terrible feeling. It catches in my throat, the regret, the thoughts that.. I was so foolish to wait. I.. I enjoyed all the moments and memories I have had with him though, that I will always remember as long as I can remember anything. It has been a long while since I met him, but I [blot] Even then, I was still behind, and I was not fast enough. It was.. my own foolishness for that, and it pains me that I was not able to give him all that I could before.. I may not see him for Chaos knows how long.
But I think it will not be forever. Or I hope not. I will write to him. I will write about all manner of things, like he wanted, and like I want too. Perhaps I will tell him that I had been thinking my 'birthday' should be soon, or all that I intend to research, and how - I do not even remember if he knows how I am behind. Perhaps? He says he will not forget me.. and that will be grand enough. [blot] I had always thought I would.. continue to be alone, before I met them. It's strange how this hurts while making me smile. It [spot]
I miss him. I will miss him very much. But it is so much better than it could have been.
He has himself now. Of course, he always did and I hope always will, but now, I think, much less will threaten to take it from him, as he once felt may happen. I was able to show him how to keep his Silence, I [blot] am still so... honored, feel so grand and .. important to have been able to give him the Choice of that path. One he seems so eager to explore, to seek all the Choice and Possibility he now has from it [blot] I- [spots] What could I have done that is greater than that? To guide the way for someone to see so many things before them that they have never seen before. And.. to do that for someone who matters so much, and wishes to create all sorts of brilliant things for the world. [spot] For someone I love.
It is much better than it could have been. And [spot] if.. if I fail. I.. [blot] I should learn what.. it is that I will face in Nowhere. At least a little bit. I.. I know I will miss everyone. I will really be alone then, I should not- [blot] This should not... [a few more spots]
Perhaps it will just be like how it was with Ren. I.. the way it sounded, I imagine it will be longer between, but [blot]. We would send many letters. We would meet now and then, speak about different things we'd learned and found, explore paths we couldn't traverse alone, get into trouble the other may like, and always find our way out again together. [spot] That's.. faded. But [blot] What something is with one, is not always as it will be with another. I.. It may not be like this at all, really, but. I know there is a way to be close while being in different places. It's.. hard to 'be there', but.. we also don't have to be far.
[spot]
I.. do not know what I will tell Lafey. I have stayed in this place for a long while, and - does she already know? Perhaps she does.. perhaps not. I'm not sure, really. I don't know if he wishes to tell her himself, or [blot] I should have asked. Maybe I will, maybe I will write and see- though. I will likely see Lafey before he gets anything I send, if he.. even will have any time to reply. And it is not something I wish to keep Secret, not unless he wanted me to, and even then, I might protest it with him- it wouldn't really make sense to keep it a Secret from her, they both love each other too. She may already know.
[blot, that somewhat trails off, like the writer lost track of his thoughts]
I ..will write to him soon.
Phooka has left.
He has gone to follow his own path with the Priory. And he thinks we may not see each other for a long while.
[blot]
I have shifted so much between.. full of sorrow, and full of excitement for him. It's... it's so strange. I worry, yet I feel I do not have to, that I shouldn't. I wish I would be able to be there to see him grow, to see all the excitement he gets himself into, and to experiment at his side. But that he has all that himself, that he lives as he wishes, and learns, and does the good he has always wanted to do is.. the most important thing. It is his Choice that he has made, that he would like beyond all else, it seems. How can I not be pleased for it?
And I am! I am so glad he has found what he believes to be just what he needs. I think it would be grand for him, to be among so many others that would share his enthusiasm, that he can learn from, and that he can teach. Those other than whom he already knows that will appreciate and adore his inventions, that will help him create what he strives for. I.. [blot] I hope he finds [spot] something much better than he ever would elsewhere.
[blot]
I regret waiting to do all I wished to do with him. It.. is a terrible feeling. It catches in my throat, the regret, the thoughts that.. I was so foolish to wait. I.. I enjoyed all the moments and memories I have had with him though, that I will always remember as long as I can remember anything. It has been a long while since I met him, but I [blot] Even then, I was still behind, and I was not fast enough. It was.. my own foolishness for that, and it pains me that I was not able to give him all that I could before.. I may not see him for Chaos knows how long.
But I think it will not be forever. Or I hope not. I will write to him. I will write about all manner of things, like he wanted, and like I want too. Perhaps I will tell him that I had been thinking my 'birthday' should be soon, or all that I intend to research, and how - I do not even remember if he knows how I am behind. Perhaps? He says he will not forget me.. and that will be grand enough. [blot] I had always thought I would.. continue to be alone, before I met them. It's strange how this hurts while making me smile. It [spot]
I miss him. I will miss him very much. But it is so much better than it could have been.
He has himself now. Of course, he always did and I hope always will, but now, I think, much less will threaten to take it from him, as he once felt may happen. I was able to show him how to keep his Silence, I [blot] am still so... honored, feel so grand and .. important to have been able to give him the Choice of that path. One he seems so eager to explore, to seek all the Choice and Possibility he now has from it [blot] I- [spots] What could I have done that is greater than that? To guide the way for someone to see so many things before them that they have never seen before. And.. to do that for someone who matters so much, and wishes to create all sorts of brilliant things for the world. [spot] For someone I love.
It is much better than it could have been. And [spot] if.. if I fail. I.. [blot] I should learn what.. it is that I will face in Nowhere. At least a little bit. I.. I know I will miss everyone. I will really be alone then, I should not- [blot] This should not... [a few more spots]
Perhaps it will just be like how it was with Ren. I.. the way it sounded, I imagine it will be longer between, but [blot]. We would send many letters. We would meet now and then, speak about different things we'd learned and found, explore paths we couldn't traverse alone, get into trouble the other may like, and always find our way out again together. [spot] That's.. faded. But [blot] What something is with one, is not always as it will be with another. I.. It may not be like this at all, really, but. I know there is a way to be close while being in different places. It's.. hard to 'be there', but.. we also don't have to be far.
[spot]
I.. do not know what I will tell Lafey. I have stayed in this place for a long while, and - does she already know? Perhaps she does.. perhaps not. I'm not sure, really. I don't know if he wishes to tell her himself, or [blot] I should have asked. Maybe I will, maybe I will write and see- though. I will likely see Lafey before he gets anything I send, if he.. even will have any time to reply. And it is not something I wish to keep Secret, not unless he wanted me to, and even then, I might protest it with him- it wouldn't really make sense to keep it a Secret from her, they both love each other too. She may already know.
[blot, that somewhat trails off, like the writer lost track of his thoughts]
I ..will write to him soon.
17, Phoenix, 1327
I released some of the Chaos, last sun.
I released it, I ran, I hardly remember more than what it felt like, the small leaflet tears between when I saw the place my body was in, instead of all the places the rest of me was. It was grand, it was relieving, it was tiring, and it was frightening. It was wild. It was so very wild.
I don't think I did anything else too much harm, or nothing that matters. It made little tears in the realm, it was so strong around me, like a tiny chaotic trail of a serrated scene to where so much of me resided, to all the places I resided. But they didn't remain as much as I didn't remain. I couldn't stop moving. Even after I ran to where I wanted to be, in the Ruins, I couldn't stop moving. It brought me around every which way, even when I was running; I only held onto running when I had to, and that was the only way I kept forward, and not instead seeking all directions. I was pulled in such a way that I haven't been pulled for a long time.
[blot]
I wonder if it really did bring me closer.
This feeling that lingers... it's hard to tell if it is simply lingering, or if it is here to stay, the slight sidestep away from Here towards.. There. To Nowhere. It's as calming as it is terrifying. And then the two seem to nullify each other like colliding stones, as it instead simply becomes 'the way it is'. [blot]
I need to seek a way out.
I need to find it. Waiting does me no good, and now I have the chance to study my own subjects as far as I've the time, as far as I don't need to look at what's right in front of me [streak, spot] but I always should strive to look right in front of me. Will I be too late? How [blot] long until I -[streak, spot] [a few more little blots like a tapping pen]
Even still it was exhilarating. I.. [spot] am almost afraid to say it, but it was. It was as the Chaos is. It was more than just following the winds, and dancing with them, it was being the winds. No longer trapped in a single spot, from a single view and body [blot] I... I was not myself, not really, only a part, but the part that is so much more than I am alone. As the Winds of Chaos I could look down, see the world I lived in and knew; I always live so close to the ground, but this was like it was far away, or even much much closer than I ever would normally be. Or I could look to all the sides. To the sky. I could whirl about in all directions and be many places at once, it- [spot]
It is incredible. But - [spot] I don't know. I've found a balance, but always, one way or another, the scales tip. Just not so much for it all to spill over the edge... at least not yet. This time, the scales tipped heavier to the Chaos, and it was the rest of what I am that may have spilled over. Yet.. [blot] I know that the scale itself and all in it is, in whole, what I am.
[blot]
It was incredibly wild. And I was so tired when it was done, in fact, the body could not take anymore which made it done. Yet- [blot] still I sparked. For a long while, I still sparked and it [spot] It helped, but I do not think it was complete. Of course, I know the only time it will ever complete is at the end, but.. [blot]
I think I took a small step closer to where it always tries to lead me.
[a few more spots] I am going to start my research again soon.
[another blot]
Before that, I told Lafey I was going. I did come back, like I said, as soon as I could drag myself over to a waypoint, and.. [spot] to where I needed to be. I didn't want to use the Chaos' help, because it might pull me again, so it was very.. very difficult. I don't know if she said much to me when I came back, or even if she was there [spot] I remember seeing her sometime, hearing her voice, I couldn't help but smile, but I could barely speak, and just went to collapse in a bed.
But before that, I spoke with her and.. [spot] It seems she has a Secret project of sorts for a lazy person. She didn't say much about it, of course, as it was Secret, but she mentioned heirlooms, very old things that people pass on for a long time to one another, as well as research that the person was too lazy to do for himself. I can understand doing so much that some research gets pushed aside, but [blot] to not want to do it at all? How strange! Each has their own Choice, I suppose some... choose not to learn. But it is [blot] silly, I think, not to seek for one's self. I never got a chance to ask her if she got further with it. It seemed to trouble her some, but.. [spot] when I returned, I could hardly speak. I.. will need to ask her soon.
And also about these... recollections. Perhaps even my research as well, thorns, I need to do so much.
I released it, I ran, I hardly remember more than what it felt like, the small leaflet tears between when I saw the place my body was in, instead of all the places the rest of me was. It was grand, it was relieving, it was tiring, and it was frightening. It was wild. It was so very wild.
I don't think I did anything else too much harm, or nothing that matters. It made little tears in the realm, it was so strong around me, like a tiny chaotic trail of a serrated scene to where so much of me resided, to all the places I resided. But they didn't remain as much as I didn't remain. I couldn't stop moving. Even after I ran to where I wanted to be, in the Ruins, I couldn't stop moving. It brought me around every which way, even when I was running; I only held onto running when I had to, and that was the only way I kept forward, and not instead seeking all directions. I was pulled in such a way that I haven't been pulled for a long time.
[blot]
I wonder if it really did bring me closer.
This feeling that lingers... it's hard to tell if it is simply lingering, or if it is here to stay, the slight sidestep away from Here towards.. There. To Nowhere. It's as calming as it is terrifying. And then the two seem to nullify each other like colliding stones, as it instead simply becomes 'the way it is'. [blot]
I need to seek a way out.
I need to find it. Waiting does me no good, and now I have the chance to study my own subjects as far as I've the time, as far as I don't need to look at what's right in front of me [streak, spot] but I always should strive to look right in front of me. Will I be too late? How [blot] long until I -[streak, spot] [a few more little blots like a tapping pen]
Even still it was exhilarating. I.. [spot] am almost afraid to say it, but it was. It was as the Chaos is. It was more than just following the winds, and dancing with them, it was being the winds. No longer trapped in a single spot, from a single view and body [blot] I... I was not myself, not really, only a part, but the part that is so much more than I am alone. As the Winds of Chaos I could look down, see the world I lived in and knew; I always live so close to the ground, but this was like it was far away, or even much much closer than I ever would normally be. Or I could look to all the sides. To the sky. I could whirl about in all directions and be many places at once, it- [spot]
It is incredible. But - [spot] I don't know. I've found a balance, but always, one way or another, the scales tip. Just not so much for it all to spill over the edge... at least not yet. This time, the scales tipped heavier to the Chaos, and it was the rest of what I am that may have spilled over. Yet.. [blot] I know that the scale itself and all in it is, in whole, what I am.
[blot]
It was incredibly wild. And I was so tired when it was done, in fact, the body could not take anymore which made it done. Yet- [blot] still I sparked. For a long while, I still sparked and it [spot] It helped, but I do not think it was complete. Of course, I know the only time it will ever complete is at the end, but.. [blot]
I think I took a small step closer to where it always tries to lead me.
[a few more spots] I am going to start my research again soon.
[another blot]
Before that, I told Lafey I was going. I did come back, like I said, as soon as I could drag myself over to a waypoint, and.. [spot] to where I needed to be. I didn't want to use the Chaos' help, because it might pull me again, so it was very.. very difficult. I don't know if she said much to me when I came back, or even if she was there [spot] I remember seeing her sometime, hearing her voice, I couldn't help but smile, but I could barely speak, and just went to collapse in a bed.
But before that, I spoke with her and.. [spot] It seems she has a Secret project of sorts for a lazy person. She didn't say much about it, of course, as it was Secret, but she mentioned heirlooms, very old things that people pass on for a long time to one another, as well as research that the person was too lazy to do for himself. I can understand doing so much that some research gets pushed aside, but [blot] to not want to do it at all? How strange! Each has their own Choice, I suppose some... choose not to learn. But it is [blot] silly, I think, not to seek for one's self. I never got a chance to ask her if she got further with it. It seemed to trouble her some, but.. [spot] when I returned, I could hardly speak. I.. will need to ask her soon.
And also about these... recollections. Perhaps even my research as well, thorns, I need to do so much.
Friday, April 18, 2014
13, Phoenix, 1327
The Knights Arcanus and Academia were disbanded earlier this sun.
They were said to be repurposed, and perhaps so, for some, but for many, I think that was that. [blot]
It was strange. I was between very near upset, and also [blot] I am not even sure. Full of Chaos. But I knew I could not stay there, in that room, and I knew it would be.. what I would wish more to walk away. [spot] So that is what I did. I let be known I would be back for Phooka, but I just could not stay. Lafey wandered. Ren did as well. I stayed with Nenia and Androsace came with us for a time.
Androsace thinks she might become a bounty hunter. I think she would be quite good at it, if it's what she wishes. And she [spot] she mentioned to me that.... I.. might join.. [blot] the [there are a few splotches here, and the next word seems to be written more messily, and with difficulty] Whispers [a few spots] . Even now it- It is so [spot] it does something to think of them. It's strange, and I don't [blot] Just considering being [spot, smear]
It's troubling. It's odd and troubling, this time is different. I don't know why- Nenia said she has been having these moments, humans call them 'dejavu', where she thinks she remembers something but doesn't know if she knows it. And that it doesn't happen often, but it has been happening a lot to her lately. I told her about.. [blot] my memory. That I have lost much, I am behind, and that sometimes.. I get these.. moments. Where I feel like I remember something, know how to do something, that I cannot place from anywhere else. And that this time was different. She seemed concerned, though I.. I am also concerned for her. She seems like she may want to remember, to chase this and find what it is that is happening, while I - [spot] I am too afraid to chase any of it. If it is what I think it is, then it may be better for me to leave it be.
But with her, there may be something more to it. I don't chase because I think I will find something. If she chases, perhaps she will find what she seeks.
We both tried to think of a time when perhaps this could've started. She mentioned.. an accident.. or something that may have stuck out as when this could've happened. I really did not know, but had recently looked over my memories and noted that [blot] incident where I lost track of time. After we gathered at Lafey's for that experiment. It was the only 'accident' I could think of where the two of us were notably and relatively unexplicably disoriented. Because I lost time, I don't know what happened for a few days... Perhaps.. something had?
She began to consider this as well, agreeing that it certainly was an accident.. And we spoke about talking to the others. To see if perhaps, they are having these strange moments as well. I had some, I have been having more than usual lately; the orb, the-[splot streak, blot] what Androsace said. And Nenia.. Thank her gods and the winds that it is not the same for her as it is for me, though.. I cannot expect it to be. It is.. something we will need to ask the others, though, if we wish to figure it out.
Phooka found us by some trace of the breezes, after Androsace had gone. I was glad to see him, and that he had found us from my vague mention. He.. sat with us for a time. Nenia was mostly quiet then, listening to the winds as she does, but I was pleased enough to speak with Phooka. He hasn't yet tried animating the gift Lafey gave him, but he didn't want to break it, and said he was understandably tired lately. I'd mentioned that.. at least now he should have more time to rest. Phooka had also not.. yet learned the Silence himself, which- well, I hope I will be able to teach him soon. It is certainly important to know, especially since he is now back, either legs in, or treading those currents of his. It'd be grand to pull him out, and allow him to remain out. [blot] At least if he so chooses.
[spot] We spoke of selfishness, and how we all deserve it. I wonder, selfishly, if he will ever feel as I do about the Dream. I.. [blot] I don't know if he would. Though it would take him standing free of it entirely to tell further, but.. [spot]. He seemed to used to find comfort in it. And I.. [blot] I don't know that I ever fully did. Or could. [a few more blots] I want him to make his own Choices most of all, to be who he wishes, and that would be the most excellent. There are times though, that I also, less than that, would like him to be one I can tell my Secrets to. That is a selfish thing, something that should not be unless it aligns with the Choices he wishes to make. Because it is due to my own Choices that it is so in the first place, that I cannot speak of them to those who will.. [blot] someday return to the Dream.
But all of that is a bit of a diverging branch. I didn't bring that up then. And Lafey came to join us for a little while not long after, though Phooka had to go take care of something shortly. And Lafey did as well. I stayed with Nenia and we spoke more about.. what I'd already written.
[blot]
I think we'll figure it out.
They were said to be repurposed, and perhaps so, for some, but for many, I think that was that. [blot]
It was strange. I was between very near upset, and also [blot] I am not even sure. Full of Chaos. But I knew I could not stay there, in that room, and I knew it would be.. what I would wish more to walk away. [spot] So that is what I did. I let be known I would be back for Phooka, but I just could not stay. Lafey wandered. Ren did as well. I stayed with Nenia and Androsace came with us for a time.
Androsace thinks she might become a bounty hunter. I think she would be quite good at it, if it's what she wishes. And she [spot] she mentioned to me that.... I.. might join.. [blot] the [there are a few splotches here, and the next word seems to be written more messily, and with difficulty] Whispers [a few spots] . Even now it- It is so [spot] it does something to think of them. It's strange, and I don't [blot] Just considering being [spot, smear]
It's troubling. It's odd and troubling, this time is different. I don't know why- Nenia said she has been having these moments, humans call them 'dejavu', where she thinks she remembers something but doesn't know if she knows it. And that it doesn't happen often, but it has been happening a lot to her lately. I told her about.. [blot] my memory. That I have lost much, I am behind, and that sometimes.. I get these.. moments. Where I feel like I remember something, know how to do something, that I cannot place from anywhere else. And that this time was different. She seemed concerned, though I.. I am also concerned for her. She seems like she may want to remember, to chase this and find what it is that is happening, while I - [spot] I am too afraid to chase any of it. If it is what I think it is, then it may be better for me to leave it be.
But with her, there may be something more to it. I don't chase because I think I will find something. If she chases, perhaps she will find what she seeks.
We both tried to think of a time when perhaps this could've started. She mentioned.. an accident.. or something that may have stuck out as when this could've happened. I really did not know, but had recently looked over my memories and noted that [blot] incident where I lost track of time. After we gathered at Lafey's for that experiment. It was the only 'accident' I could think of where the two of us were notably and relatively unexplicably disoriented. Because I lost time, I don't know what happened for a few days... Perhaps.. something had?
She began to consider this as well, agreeing that it certainly was an accident.. And we spoke about talking to the others. To see if perhaps, they are having these strange moments as well. I had some, I have been having more than usual lately; the orb, the-[splot streak, blot] what Androsace said. And Nenia.. Thank her gods and the winds that it is not the same for her as it is for me, though.. I cannot expect it to be. It is.. something we will need to ask the others, though, if we wish to figure it out.
Phooka found us by some trace of the breezes, after Androsace had gone. I was glad to see him, and that he had found us from my vague mention. He.. sat with us for a time. Nenia was mostly quiet then, listening to the winds as she does, but I was pleased enough to speak with Phooka. He hasn't yet tried animating the gift Lafey gave him, but he didn't want to break it, and said he was understandably tired lately. I'd mentioned that.. at least now he should have more time to rest. Phooka had also not.. yet learned the Silence himself, which- well, I hope I will be able to teach him soon. It is certainly important to know, especially since he is now back, either legs in, or treading those currents of his. It'd be grand to pull him out, and allow him to remain out. [blot] At least if he so chooses.
[spot] We spoke of selfishness, and how we all deserve it. I wonder, selfishly, if he will ever feel as I do about the Dream. I.. [blot] I don't know if he would. Though it would take him standing free of it entirely to tell further, but.. [spot]. He seemed to used to find comfort in it. And I.. [blot] I don't know that I ever fully did. Or could. [a few more blots] I want him to make his own Choices most of all, to be who he wishes, and that would be the most excellent. There are times though, that I also, less than that, would like him to be one I can tell my Secrets to. That is a selfish thing, something that should not be unless it aligns with the Choices he wishes to make. Because it is due to my own Choices that it is so in the first place, that I cannot speak of them to those who will.. [blot] someday return to the Dream.
But all of that is a bit of a diverging branch. I didn't bring that up then. And Lafey came to join us for a little while not long after, though Phooka had to go take care of something shortly. And Lafey did as well. I stayed with Nenia and we spoke more about.. what I'd already written.
[blot]
I think we'll figure it out.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
12, Phoenix, 1327
Lafey is so exceptionally grand~
[blot] I, [spot] No one has ever done such a thing for me before, ever, that I can recall, and it was [spot] I forgot all I was bothered by then, for a time, and was just so incredibly pleased for the thought she'd placed in this. For how she.. wished to do anything of the sort for me at all. I wish I could have shared the feeling of excitement with her, because it was such an exquisite burst of warmth~ [the tilde spirals into something more elaborate]
She had an intriguing orb of portals, and a riddle for me, our experiments came into play it was [spot] It was brilliant. She is so very brilliant. I love her dearly and only wish I could do something close for her as well. I will need to think of something, make what I already have in mind grand, and do it quickly before something comes up and snatches her away. As I've learned, to wait is a poor idea. It is still so exciting to consider! I [blot] My thoughts are moving quicker than my hands in spirals of light and excitement to simply consider, let me slow to explain.
This was Lafey's surprise. She had wanted our experiments to be completed mostly for this purpose. I [blot] I actually don't know if she will use what we created again now. But I suppose if she wishes to, it will always be there. She'd also managed to procure from somewhere, an orb of sorts. It was.. it held a connection to the In-Between inside it. A connection that would pull someone through it to... [blot, and a few little spots] a random location - [streak, spot] I am getting that odd feeling again, the sort where..something is familiar, as I write. It.. It happened then too, but it was- I was too excited to give it much thought, but now [blot]
[a few more spots]
I should continue the memory.
The orb was wonderful (save for being a poor decision maker), and it would bring someone through a personal portal to an unexpected place. This.. [spot] is actually really dangerous, and thorns, if I weren't so full of warmth and dancing sunlight winds at the time, I certainly should have mentioned it. I [spot] I feel poorly that I did not. But she said then that, upon one of us using it, whoever did would then speak a Secret riddle for the other to find them! How grand is this? Certainly one of the most grand ideas I have ever heard, and quite clever, I must say! She said she had wished to find a way to combine all of the things she knew I liked most together, that she wished to speak a riddle for me, and [spot] It was.. I felt so loved. I don't think I'd ever felt like.. [blot] just that she wished me to have a moment where so much of what makes my life worth living would come together, and that she wanted to give them to me, but also share them with me. That in itself meant so much, perhaps [spot] perhaps even more than what it was itself. Just that memory...~ It is not something I ever wish to forget or lose sight of, because it is grand beyond words in so many ways.
I wish to find a way to do that for her as well, and have been thinking about it for a while~ I'll need to bring my ideas together soon. Perhaps a puzzle of sorts.. involving as many of her favorite things that I can gather. I do not know if I want it to lead her there.. perhaps when we are there. Perhaps hints of the place itself- I may need to research. I should!
Also, I would like to keep her riddle with me, though I am a bit off track. First I should mention that we agreed she might be the one to use the orb. The orb would collapse in on itself, or be sucked into the In-Between upon use, so it could only be used once. She was the one who did, and [blot] well, when she did, I.. immediately was reminded of how I really should've calmed down enough to speak of potential... problems.
She ended up somewhere likely.. less favorable than would have been preferred. In fact, I now feel rather.. I almost wish it had been me instead. She had to stand out in the cold for a while, I did urge her to go... elsewhere, if where she ended up was.. dangerous or unwanted, but she remained. I didn't know at the time she would be so cold, humans really shouldn't be left out so long in such weather. The orb made a poor decision. If [blot] things don't go as I wish, and I have eternity to spend in nowhere, maybe I will find that orb and give it a nasty look.
Lafey did give me a riddle though. She claimed she was not good at them, but I think it was grand, especially being right on the leaf-tip of time, and still remember just how it went.
When we returned, I showed Lafey how to start a fire, and I wrapped her up in blankets while making her some warm tea. She likes this interesting sweet sort, I've never actually tried it before, but she let me have a little. It's different, but soothing. Certainly not nearly as sweet as my.. ridiculous experiment that one time with that cotten candy, but it was much more tolerable. I also considered and wanted to try making her some sort of soup, but... we were both.. a little uncertain of that, so we just left it well enough alone and instead curled up by the fire. [blot]
I.. I was so glad for her surprise, I hope she doesn't feel it turned out too poorly. I really wish I had been quicker. I said next time, if there is one, that there will be no cold places; if there is a cold place, then [spot] well, then whoever is there should just go somewhere else. Or go inside. That orb will be getting a nasty look, sometime, for sure.
I'll make sure there are no cold places when I sort out her surprise, and can only hope she likes it even half as much as I enjoyed what she thought of for me.
[blot] I, [spot] No one has ever done such a thing for me before, ever, that I can recall, and it was [spot] I forgot all I was bothered by then, for a time, and was just so incredibly pleased for the thought she'd placed in this. For how she.. wished to do anything of the sort for me at all. I wish I could have shared the feeling of excitement with her, because it was such an exquisite burst of warmth~ [the tilde spirals into something more elaborate]
She had an intriguing orb of portals, and a riddle for me, our experiments came into play it was [spot] It was brilliant. She is so very brilliant. I love her dearly and only wish I could do something close for her as well. I will need to think of something, make what I already have in mind grand, and do it quickly before something comes up and snatches her away. As I've learned, to wait is a poor idea. It is still so exciting to consider! I [blot] My thoughts are moving quicker than my hands in spirals of light and excitement to simply consider, let me slow to explain.
This was Lafey's surprise. She had wanted our experiments to be completed mostly for this purpose. I [blot] I actually don't know if she will use what we created again now. But I suppose if she wishes to, it will always be there. She'd also managed to procure from somewhere, an orb of sorts. It was.. it held a connection to the In-Between inside it. A connection that would pull someone through it to... [blot, and a few little spots] a random location - [streak, spot] I am getting that odd feeling again, the sort where..something is familiar, as I write. It.. It happened then too, but it was- I was too excited to give it much thought, but now [blot]
[a few more spots]
I should continue the memory.
The orb was wonderful (save for being a poor decision maker), and it would bring someone through a personal portal to an unexpected place. This.. [spot] is actually really dangerous, and thorns, if I weren't so full of warmth and dancing sunlight winds at the time, I certainly should have mentioned it. I [spot] I feel poorly that I did not. But she said then that, upon one of us using it, whoever did would then speak a Secret riddle for the other to find them! How grand is this? Certainly one of the most grand ideas I have ever heard, and quite clever, I must say! She said she had wished to find a way to combine all of the things she knew I liked most together, that she wished to speak a riddle for me, and [spot] It was.. I felt so loved. I don't think I'd ever felt like.. [blot] just that she wished me to have a moment where so much of what makes my life worth living would come together, and that she wanted to give them to me, but also share them with me. That in itself meant so much, perhaps [spot] perhaps even more than what it was itself. Just that memory...~ It is not something I ever wish to forget or lose sight of, because it is grand beyond words in so many ways.
I wish to find a way to do that for her as well, and have been thinking about it for a while~ I'll need to bring my ideas together soon. Perhaps a puzzle of sorts.. involving as many of her favorite things that I can gather. I do not know if I want it to lead her there.. perhaps when we are there. Perhaps hints of the place itself- I may need to research. I should!
Also, I would like to keep her riddle with me, though I am a bit off track. First I should mention that we agreed she might be the one to use the orb. The orb would collapse in on itself, or be sucked into the In-Between upon use, so it could only be used once. She was the one who did, and [blot] well, when she did, I.. immediately was reminded of how I really should've calmed down enough to speak of potential... problems.
She ended up somewhere likely.. less favorable than would have been preferred. In fact, I now feel rather.. I almost wish it had been me instead. She had to stand out in the cold for a while, I did urge her to go... elsewhere, if where she ended up was.. dangerous or unwanted, but she remained. I didn't know at the time she would be so cold, humans really shouldn't be left out so long in such weather. The orb made a poor decision. If [blot] things don't go as I wish, and I have eternity to spend in nowhere, maybe I will find that orb and give it a nasty look.
Lafey did give me a riddle though. She claimed she was not good at them, but I think it was grand, especially being right on the leaf-tip of time, and still remember just how it went.
With snow and ice I stand high,
With sails and masts that touch the sky.
Easy to spot yet hard to reach,
With frozen shores that lack sand or beach.It took me some time to figure out; I had never been, that I can remember, to the place that Lafey was. I thought it was in the frozen mountains, yet it took a lot of running to solve the riddle. Along the way I saw geysers there, got attacked by Sons of Svanir, and various creatures, ran through a grawl camp, and almost froze my sap swimming through the waters. It was.. exciting, but it took me quite a while. I did find the place though, a Koda vessel of sorts, it was most magnificent and intriguing. I.. bet Phooka would have liked it a great deal. But it took me so long to find, and Lafey was out in the cold! I wish there would have been somewhere warmer inside for her to stay, I felt so terrible for having taken so long, and we went back quickly.
When we returned, I showed Lafey how to start a fire, and I wrapped her up in blankets while making her some warm tea. She likes this interesting sweet sort, I've never actually tried it before, but she let me have a little. It's different, but soothing. Certainly not nearly as sweet as my.. ridiculous experiment that one time with that cotten candy, but it was much more tolerable. I also considered and wanted to try making her some sort of soup, but... we were both.. a little uncertain of that, so we just left it well enough alone and instead curled up by the fire. [blot]
I.. I was so glad for her surprise, I hope she doesn't feel it turned out too poorly. I really wish I had been quicker. I said next time, if there is one, that there will be no cold places; if there is a cold place, then [spot] well, then whoever is there should just go somewhere else. Or go inside. That orb will be getting a nasty look, sometime, for sure.
I'll make sure there are no cold places when I sort out her surprise, and can only hope she likes it even half as much as I enjoyed what she thought of for me.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
10, Phoenix, 1327
I am still quite frustrated. Perhaps [blot]
It may be wise for me to stop waiting. I.. I will need to get this out somehow, perhaps on my own. [spot]
It just keeps.. growing. This.. anger.
[a few ink drips]
I don't even know if I want to recall what happened the other sun. Syr was frustrating. The ideas presented were frustrating. To assume what occurred did not matter, to assume one knows something they don't about what matters to another, to dispute another's own Choice, to think it is singularly somehow less than the direction of a number. It.. it is infuriating!
The only reason there is direction of a number is by the combined Choices of the 'pieces'. It is still one's own Choice. The means of our 'coming together' in the cave was not one we would have chose, well, other than Syrlya it seems. It was not the way any of the rest of us would have liked to grow, to learn, to be part of his 'coveted whole'. But what we did with what we had within the cave had always been our own Choice. Each singular choice to agree, towards a common direction,because we cared about each other. Because we all wanted to see a thorny end to that mess. Otherwise, we would not have been there doing as we did. One simply has different means to something when with others, more options than usual, but only if those others, as themselves, agree. Of course, that assumes that there is actually something for them to choose to work towards.
This is not the Dream. This is not some [spot] collective goading, where one must follow some path laid before them, lest they feel their soul tearing at itself. It is not an ultimate 'purpose', 'even if you don't want it right now', and it is not the only way to something 'grand' and 'meaningful'.
It is a Choice. And everyone has their own, no matter what one of the 'group' happens to think about it.
[there are a few blots of ink here as though the pen has been tapped on the page]
He also insulted Lafey. He claims he didn't mean it but- [streak, spot] I don't know. It made me quite upset. Of course she has understanding, she is incredibly intelligent, why wouldn't she? How could all that happened be so easily forgotten? He recalls the times that some of us were.. tortured, blind, in pain and suffering... fondly from the cave, but forgets how incredibly upset we grew just recently. How itbrought all that back and showed how another was put through something we never would have wished, because of our misassumed thoughts. How Lafey felt, others felt, beyond that, betrayed. How the one who did all that has been staying there. They have a perfectly good reason to choose not to go to the Quay; it is not misunderstanding, it is not a lack of intelligence, and it is not something to be scorned for the sake of [streak, splot] some loftly collective ideal that does not exist right now.
Nevermind that I know so many have felt they are losing a part of themselves! Is that not reason enough to take a step back, to find it? To listen to ones own Choices, because they are how the self can be seen and heard?
Thorns and bramblous weeds, I am so frustrated.
I know he seeks love, he claims he saw something that isn't there; and perhaps it was there, but sometimes things get in the way of that. Sometimes one must take care of themselves, find where they have lost the path they wanted to make, and return to it. Once they are where they wish to be, perhaps then, in a better state for us all, where we can all make clear Choices, might we choose to follow the same path again. And if we don't, then we are likely better for it.
[blot]
I returned to Lafey, and brought Vathen. We spoke some.. [spot] Well, all of us, I suppose, but I meant Lafey and I. I hope she does not feel tried and frustrated as I do, though.. she very well may. I feel perhaps I.. am more upset than I 'should be', but [blot] it's been harder to keep back.
[ There is a letter carefully folded into the book here. By a slight shift in the writing beneath the letter, it appears that the latter half of the entry was written at a different time than the first half.]
[spot] I suppose this is a small addition but.. It seems, at least Syr is learning. I thought that.. [blot] perhaps I had gotten through to him a little, but I wasn't sure, though this.. seems to confirm it.
I wonder if he still feels he loves everyone so. I mean, it is [blot] I do not believe it is or was unfounded, I suppose, just because I could not understand. I don't believe it was nothing, I think nearly any of us would rise up to protect a number of the others if we knew some harm was to befall them, I don't doubt we could come together as [blot] friends, or a family as Syr said, for something someday. ... Maybe. But even those in a family need time to collect themselves. It is not a circle, of the family is only a family because it fights nothing seen for the family; a family is not its own purpose. Everyone in the family has the things that they each love, that inspire them, that they go and seek and it makes their life something in that seeking. [spot]
I hope that is what he understands.
I also hope he can find the love he seeks .. somewhere. Be it with those we both know, or those only he may know, or perhaps those he's never met yet. He.. really wants such closeness, it makes little sense that I found it first, but [blot] Perhaps one doesn't need to be grasping for it, and it will come.
I am still quite frustrated. Perhaps [blot]
It may be wise for me to stop waiting. I.. I will need to get this out somehow, perhaps on my own. [spot]
It just keeps.. growing. This.. anger.
[a few ink drips]
I don't even know if I want to recall what happened the other sun. Syr was frustrating. The ideas presented were frustrating. To assume what occurred did not matter, to assume one knows something they don't about what matters to another, to dispute another's own Choice, to think it is singularly somehow less than the direction of a number. It.. it is infuriating!
The only reason there is direction of a number is by the combined Choices of the 'pieces'. It is still one's own Choice. The means of our 'coming together' in the cave was not one we would have chose, well, other than Syrlya it seems. It was not the way any of the rest of us would have liked to grow, to learn, to be part of his 'coveted whole'. But what we did with what we had within the cave had always been our own Choice. Each singular choice to agree, towards a common direction,because we cared about each other. Because we all wanted to see a thorny end to that mess. Otherwise, we would not have been there doing as we did. One simply has different means to something when with others, more options than usual, but only if those others, as themselves, agree. Of course, that assumes that there is actually something for them to choose to work towards.
This is not the Dream. This is not some [spot] collective goading, where one must follow some path laid before them, lest they feel their soul tearing at itself. It is not an ultimate 'purpose', 'even if you don't want it right now', and it is not the only way to something 'grand' and 'meaningful'.
It is a Choice. And everyone has their own, no matter what one of the 'group' happens to think about it.
[there are a few blots of ink here as though the pen has been tapped on the page]
He also insulted Lafey. He claims he didn't mean it but- [streak, spot] I don't know. It made me quite upset. Of course she has understanding, she is incredibly intelligent, why wouldn't she? How could all that happened be so easily forgotten? He recalls the times that some of us were.. tortured, blind, in pain and suffering... fondly from the cave, but forgets how incredibly upset we grew just recently. How itbrought all that back and showed how another was put through something we never would have wished, because of our misassumed thoughts. How Lafey felt, others felt, beyond that, betrayed. How the one who did all that has been staying there. They have a perfectly good reason to choose not to go to the Quay; it is not misunderstanding, it is not a lack of intelligence, and it is not something to be scorned for the sake of [streak, splot] some loftly collective ideal that does not exist right now.
Nevermind that I know so many have felt they are losing a part of themselves! Is that not reason enough to take a step back, to find it? To listen to ones own Choices, because they are how the self can be seen and heard?
Thorns and bramblous weeds, I am so frustrated.
I know he seeks love, he claims he saw something that isn't there; and perhaps it was there, but sometimes things get in the way of that. Sometimes one must take care of themselves, find where they have lost the path they wanted to make, and return to it. Once they are where they wish to be, perhaps then, in a better state for us all, where we can all make clear Choices, might we choose to follow the same path again. And if we don't, then we are likely better for it.
[blot]
I returned to Lafey, and brought Vathen. We spoke some.. [spot] Well, all of us, I suppose, but I meant Lafey and I. I hope she does not feel tried and frustrated as I do, though.. she very well may. I feel perhaps I.. am more upset than I 'should be', but [blot] it's been harder to keep back.
[ There is a letter carefully folded into the book here. By a slight shift in the writing beneath the letter, it appears that the latter half of the entry was written at a different time than the first half.]
A Folded Letter:
Dear Xsaia,
I apologize I did not stay to speak to you in person, I hope this letter will do well enough.
But the things that you said last night, that we spoke about.
I lost sight of myself, too, in that cave. I saw only what I wanted to see. I forgot what was really important to me, so I've been trying to fight now for the wrong reasons and I've gone astray.
Which was a terrible disservice to all of you. As well as myself. But I am thinking more clearly now, so that I might do right.
I know I ask much of you, and I am grateful you entertain me even when I am frustrating. Your words and thoughts are something that I slow down to think a little more, and it means more than I can say that I experience this with you. I think I am growing for it, even if I am sometimes very slow for it.
You are you, and that is valuable and wonderful.
Love,
Syrlya
I apologize I did not stay to speak to you in person, I hope this letter will do well enough.
But the things that you said last night, that we spoke about.
I lost sight of myself, too, in that cave. I saw only what I wanted to see. I forgot what was really important to me, so I've been trying to fight now for the wrong reasons and I've gone astray.
Which was a terrible disservice to all of you. As well as myself. But I am thinking more clearly now, so that I might do right.
I know I ask much of you, and I am grateful you entertain me even when I am frustrating. Your words and thoughts are something that I slow down to think a little more, and it means more than I can say that I experience this with you. I think I am growing for it, even if I am sometimes very slow for it.
You are you, and that is valuable and wonderful.
Love,
Syrlya
[spot] I suppose this is a small addition but.. It seems, at least Syr is learning. I thought that.. [blot] perhaps I had gotten through to him a little, but I wasn't sure, though this.. seems to confirm it.
I wonder if he still feels he loves everyone so. I mean, it is [blot] I do not believe it is or was unfounded, I suppose, just because I could not understand. I don't believe it was nothing, I think nearly any of us would rise up to protect a number of the others if we knew some harm was to befall them, I don't doubt we could come together as [blot] friends, or a family as Syr said, for something someday. ... Maybe. But even those in a family need time to collect themselves. It is not a circle, of the family is only a family because it fights nothing seen for the family; a family is not its own purpose. Everyone in the family has the things that they each love, that inspire them, that they go and seek and it makes their life something in that seeking. [spot]
I hope that is what he understands.
I also hope he can find the love he seeks .. somewhere. Be it with those we both know, or those only he may know, or perhaps those he's never met yet. He.. really wants such closeness, it makes little sense that I found it first, but [blot] Perhaps one doesn't need to be grasping for it, and it will come.
9, Phoenix, 1327
It is strange that I have not written so long [blot] I realized I didn't know the date when I thought I did. How.. long were we out after those experiments..? I considered, and that seems to have been the only point when I lost track of time[streak, spot]
Anyway, I [spot] I've not written for a while, I suppose because we were laying about on the floor. Something happened with some experiments Lafey and were working on, it certainly didn't do what she wanted it to.
And then after that I have.. [blot] Just been writing elsewhere. I was quite tired of writing, really. And it's not any stretch of memory to imagine what it is to be writing memories all sun and night, so.. I simply didn't note it until now. Something strange happened when I fell asleep. I [spot] I think Syr tried to move me for some reason, and couldn't carry me, so we fell down the stairs. I.. didn't actually wake up, but [blot] well, I don't wake easy. It's actually.. somewhat disconcerting, really, that someone could just carry me away and I wouldn't notice, AND throw me down the stairs and.. I still wouldn't notice, but. [spot] It's.. how it's always been. At least since . . .[a few blots] Since then. But that isn't what I need to write about.
Earlier this sun a number of things occurred that were more interesting than writing for hours and falling down stairs while asleep. (I would, prefer actually, to not be.. moved around without my knowing, it's a little odd, but [spot] anyway) Lafey and Phooka came by to check on my progress with the archives. [spot] I'm still not finished, it was a somewhat painful reminder of how I am not necessarily quick enough at this.I'll need to Actually, I probably won't. But it would still be nice to know how to write such things quicker. Aside from that, though, Lafey brought a tiny bird that she found with her. She didn't say it, but I believe its family had been eaten by a cat, and it was the only one remaining.
It was somewhat sad, but still fascinating to see such a tiny bird up close! Everything that grows is so intriguing; sylvari don't grow the same way everything else does. When things are tiny, they start out very unusual looking, before eventually growing into what we see more often for longer amounts of time. It seems, only when they can take care of themselves, when they can be who they are in a much higher capacity, do they stop growing so different on the outside. The reflection is so interesting.
The tiny bird needed attention, and to be fed. Phooka made a quick, temporary not-quite-home for it to stay in that warmed itself, and we brought it with us while we went to search for worms for it to eat. He thought it was a.. corvus something. I forgot the rest of it, I'll have to ask him.
When out, we spoke of where the Knights are rooted. Phooka mentioned perhaps disbanding. At least for now. [blot] All branches considered, I think that may be a wise choice. Everyone seems so hurt, scattered, but not necessarily because they want to be away from each other, but because they are looking for pieces of themselves they've lost. We have been doing these things, taking each of these pains along with us, and trying to press forward -[streak] but why? What we've done is not.. what we were told, exactly, that we'd be doing. And in speaking to Phooka, I was.. incredibly surprised to learn that, right now, it isn't known if there are any more Knights out there, where they once resided, or even who they were.
How can there not be? How can a group that had done such powerful things in the past, have no one remaining? No place in which they operated, no traces..? Were they all wiped out? And by what? How was it even started again, with no one remaining? Why was it started, how did anyone even know about them? Should we not know what we're a part of, what we have actually been fighting for? That.. that has bothered me for so long, that I didn't know. But I thought, at least, that it wasthere. Now.. it doesn't seem so clear in the winds that it is.
It is a thing of Chaos to be fighting without a goal. And it is not always wise to listen to the Chaos.
In speaking about this, it seemed to spark something in Phooka's mind. He said he may go out searching for this place on his own and allow for disbanding in the meantime. That, I think, would be wise, and I would still wish to help him. Perhaps not as a Knight, but as a friend who is curious to see just where this will go. Allow everyone their own Choices, don't make them feel bound in name if they would rather not be, because bound under the restriction of name is not the same as making the Choice to follow. I.. [blot] I think as much as it was perpetuated to be one's Choice, it.. slowly became more a matter of 'survival'. It's what the actions have proven, and it's difficult to think otherwise. I believe that clearing it all away might make how it is all a Choice shine brighter; not for the sake of the Order, but for the sake of those who matter feeling some relief to find what they'd like of themselves. And if such a place and history is discovered, not only will knowledge be gained, but if any want to take up the seeds to start whatever kind of legacy has been left anew, they can.. with Knowledge. Not blind.
I think it is a good idea. Everyone can have time to find what they have lost track of with themselves, everyone can still come together if they wish to, and for those that still wish to see what it was they were a part of, there will be exploration and knowledge seeking; what we wished for in the first place, but under no pretense of restriction. Or none of that, but they are free to choose without feeling held by some title.
We returned after a time, and I went back out again with Phooka, as he seemed.. upset. Well, Lafey did a bit too, but I think she left for a time. I spoke with him about how he felt about the Order, and what it was that drove him most, what inspired him, what it was he wanted to seek and do with himself beyond all else. He said he would like to learn and understand everything, to create things that were good and could help people, to learn and understand as much as he was able, and even create new Rules. He thought the Order would give him that.. but I told him it was only one possible way, and that there are many. He should not feel so bound, like he is nothing more than his labwork without the Order. Because he is not! He is a grand flame, a bright light, and a brilliant creator. He brings life where there is little, and is so incredibly intelligent and lovely... he is himself, and it is magnificent. Labwork alone can never be all those things, as excellent as it may be.
His goals are excellent, and I would like to be with him to see at least some of them through. Perhaps even just.. to help him there a little. I wish him to find what he seeks, and I know if he remembers to look, he will find it.
Lafey came back to us not long later. By the winds, they are both such brilliant creators! She made for him a small jade Phooka, one to help with his elemental training, and to keep the lovely sculptures he's made of us from ice company. Most other selves that I create will shatter eventually but [blot] I just do not have the words for how exquisite what they can create is. It was very exciting, just to see. Lafey thinks Phooka may be able to animate it, like he can the others, and I would love to see this! I'll also have to remember that she said she thought he might be able to float... I bet I can as well! I think sometime, when everything is sorted, we should both try and see what happens.
Oh! And I was able to carry back with us and name the bird. I called him (or her?) Vathen, because it was thought s/he may be a raven, and.. Ravens, to norn are highly intelligent, connected with riddles and wit. Vathen sounds like a smart name, a mischievous, but witty one. We'll have to see though if Vathen is as clever as I think s/he might be.
It is strange that I have not written so long [blot] I realized I didn't know the date when I thought I did. How.. long were we out after those experiments..? I considered, and that seems to have been the only point when I lost track of time[streak, spot]
Anyway, I [spot] I've not written for a while, I suppose because we were laying about on the floor. Something happened with some experiments Lafey and were working on, it certainly didn't do what she wanted it to.
And then after that I have.. [blot] Just been writing elsewhere. I was quite tired of writing, really. And it's not any stretch of memory to imagine what it is to be writing memories all sun and night, so.. I simply didn't note it until now. Something strange happened when I fell asleep. I [spot] I think Syr tried to move me for some reason, and couldn't carry me, so we fell down the stairs. I.. didn't actually wake up, but [blot] well, I don't wake easy. It's actually.. somewhat disconcerting, really, that someone could just carry me away and I wouldn't notice, AND throw me down the stairs and.. I still wouldn't notice, but. [spot] It's.. how it's always been. At least since . . .[a few blots] Since then. But that isn't what I need to write about.
Earlier this sun a number of things occurred that were more interesting than writing for hours and falling down stairs while asleep. (I would, prefer actually, to not be.. moved around without my knowing, it's a little odd, but [spot] anyway) Lafey and Phooka came by to check on my progress with the archives. [spot] I'm still not finished, it was a somewhat painful reminder of how I am not necessarily quick enough at this.
It was somewhat sad, but still fascinating to see such a tiny bird up close! Everything that grows is so intriguing; sylvari don't grow the same way everything else does. When things are tiny, they start out very unusual looking, before eventually growing into what we see more often for longer amounts of time. It seems, only when they can take care of themselves, when they can be who they are in a much higher capacity, do they stop growing so different on the outside. The reflection is so interesting.
The tiny bird needed attention, and to be fed. Phooka made a quick, temporary not-quite-home for it to stay in that warmed itself, and we brought it with us while we went to search for worms for it to eat. He thought it was a.. corvus something. I forgot the rest of it, I'll have to ask him.
When out, we spoke of where the Knights are rooted. Phooka mentioned perhaps disbanding. At least for now. [blot] All branches considered, I think that may be a wise choice. Everyone seems so hurt, scattered, but not necessarily because they want to be away from each other, but because they are looking for pieces of themselves they've lost. We have been doing these things, taking each of these pains along with us, and trying to press forward -[streak] but why? What we've done is not.. what we were told, exactly, that we'd be doing. And in speaking to Phooka, I was.. incredibly surprised to learn that, right now, it isn't known if there are any more Knights out there, where they once resided, or even who they were.
How can there not be? How can a group that had done such powerful things in the past, have no one remaining? No place in which they operated, no traces..? Were they all wiped out? And by what? How was it even started again, with no one remaining? Why was it started, how did anyone even know about them? Should we not know what we're a part of, what we have actually been fighting for? That.. that has bothered me for so long, that I didn't know. But I thought, at least, that it wasthere. Now.. it doesn't seem so clear in the winds that it is.
It is a thing of Chaos to be fighting without a goal. And it is not always wise to listen to the Chaos.
In speaking about this, it seemed to spark something in Phooka's mind. He said he may go out searching for this place on his own and allow for disbanding in the meantime. That, I think, would be wise, and I would still wish to help him. Perhaps not as a Knight, but as a friend who is curious to see just where this will go. Allow everyone their own Choices, don't make them feel bound in name if they would rather not be, because bound under the restriction of name is not the same as making the Choice to follow. I.. [blot] I think as much as it was perpetuated to be one's Choice, it.. slowly became more a matter of 'survival'. It's what the actions have proven, and it's difficult to think otherwise. I believe that clearing it all away might make how it is all a Choice shine brighter; not for the sake of the Order, but for the sake of those who matter feeling some relief to find what they'd like of themselves. And if such a place and history is discovered, not only will knowledge be gained, but if any want to take up the seeds to start whatever kind of legacy has been left anew, they can.. with Knowledge. Not blind.
I think it is a good idea. Everyone can have time to find what they have lost track of with themselves, everyone can still come together if they wish to, and for those that still wish to see what it was they were a part of, there will be exploration and knowledge seeking; what we wished for in the first place, but under no pretense of restriction. Or none of that, but they are free to choose without feeling held by some title.
We returned after a time, and I went back out again with Phooka, as he seemed.. upset. Well, Lafey did a bit too, but I think she left for a time. I spoke with him about how he felt about the Order, and what it was that drove him most, what inspired him, what it was he wanted to seek and do with himself beyond all else. He said he would like to learn and understand everything, to create things that were good and could help people, to learn and understand as much as he was able, and even create new Rules. He thought the Order would give him that.. but I told him it was only one possible way, and that there are many. He should not feel so bound, like he is nothing more than his labwork without the Order. Because he is not! He is a grand flame, a bright light, and a brilliant creator. He brings life where there is little, and is so incredibly intelligent and lovely... he is himself, and it is magnificent. Labwork alone can never be all those things, as excellent as it may be.
His goals are excellent, and I would like to be with him to see at least some of them through. Perhaps even just.. to help him there a little. I wish him to find what he seeks, and I know if he remembers to look, he will find it.
Lafey came back to us not long later. By the winds, they are both such brilliant creators! She made for him a small jade Phooka, one to help with his elemental training, and to keep the lovely sculptures he's made of us from ice company. Most other selves that I create will shatter eventually but [blot] I just do not have the words for how exquisite what they can create is. It was very exciting, just to see. Lafey thinks Phooka may be able to animate it, like he can the others, and I would love to see this! I'll also have to remember that she said she thought he might be able to float... I bet I can as well! I think sometime, when everything is sorted, we should both try and see what happens.
Oh! And I was able to carry back with us and name the bird. I called him (or her?) Vathen, because it was thought s/he may be a raven, and.. Ravens, to norn are highly intelligent, connected with riddles and wit. Vathen sounds like a smart name, a mischievous, but witty one. We'll have to see though if Vathen is as clever as I think s/he might be.
4, Phoenix, 1327
Last sun I'd been about for a time, running, recording, but eventually in my attempts to get to higher places within Divinity's Reach, I noticed the others gathered on the balcony of the home where Ren has been staying. They allowed me to join them, though [spot] I think I may have gotten... in the way of something for a moment. I am not entirely sure. I was given some odd faces.
They (Nenia, Lafey, Ren, Androsace, and Syr) still let me stay though, and we spoke some. It was nice to be together; I am surprised Ren let us. [blot] But even then, he.. later he said we could come by whenever we wished, if he was there. This is something I will surely have to remember; I have been wanting to be less far away, and well- I should [spot] I should come by when I wish to instead of trying to hide for him. I need to be more stubborn.
We brought up the amulet, and [blot] Ren seemed... strange at that. I do not know what was happening. I asked Lafey in Secret, and she didn't seem to exactly either. Though at some point they went to go speak. Neither said much upon returning, but... Well, they are welcome to their Secrets too. If it is important for us to know, they will tell us when they wish to.
[spot]
I hope Syr was speaking of what will be so, then he said that.. we all will.. be able to help each other from losing our way in the dark.
[blot]
When we all left, I went back with Lafey to rest. She [spot] She actually let me not wear a shirt to sleep! I was surprised, especially because of how she said it was strange before. She told me 'not to do what a human male might do presented with this situation'. ... I did not even know what that would be, but I told her I would just do what I always do, and she seemed pleased enough at that. She did change colors though, when I actually got that strappy.. harness thing off. I think she liked my markings, and mentioned that she might want to look them over sometime when we aren't sleeping. [blot] Of course, I said I would be glad to show her. I... Not many ever get to see them, because I [spot] I do not really.. trust many at all with my back. I do trust her with it though. It was strange to be near someone else without anything covering it, but.. I still slept very well. It was.. actually much more comfortable than I was expecting. Perhaps she will let me rest like that again sometime; I've never.. really felt able to before.
This sun though, we are going to work on more experiments with either containments or.. perhaps barriers I think? I've not written much, but I should likely get myself prepared.
Last sun I'd been about for a time, running, recording, but eventually in my attempts to get to higher places within Divinity's Reach, I noticed the others gathered on the balcony of the home where Ren has been staying. They allowed me to join them, though [spot] I think I may have gotten... in the way of something for a moment. I am not entirely sure. I was given some odd faces.
They (Nenia, Lafey, Ren, Androsace, and Syr) still let me stay though, and we spoke some. It was nice to be together; I am surprised Ren let us. [blot] But even then, he.. later he said we could come by whenever we wished, if he was there. This is something I will surely have to remember; I have been wanting to be less far away, and well- I should [spot] I should come by when I wish to instead of trying to hide for him. I need to be more stubborn.
We brought up the amulet, and [blot] Ren seemed... strange at that. I do not know what was happening. I asked Lafey in Secret, and she didn't seem to exactly either. Though at some point they went to go speak. Neither said much upon returning, but... Well, they are welcome to their Secrets too. If it is important for us to know, they will tell us when they wish to.
[spot]
I hope Syr was speaking of what will be so, then he said that.. we all will.. be able to help each other from losing our way in the dark.
[blot]
When we all left, I went back with Lafey to rest. She [spot] She actually let me not wear a shirt to sleep! I was surprised, especially because of how she said it was strange before. She told me 'not to do what a human male might do presented with this situation'. ... I did not even know what that would be, but I told her I would just do what I always do, and she seemed pleased enough at that. She did change colors though, when I actually got that strappy.. harness thing off. I think she liked my markings, and mentioned that she might want to look them over sometime when we aren't sleeping. [blot] Of course, I said I would be glad to show her. I... Not many ever get to see them, because I [spot] I do not really.. trust many at all with my back. I do trust her with it though. It was strange to be near someone else without anything covering it, but.. I still slept very well. It was.. actually much more comfortable than I was expecting. Perhaps she will let me rest like that again sometime; I've never.. really felt able to before.
This sun though, we are going to work on more experiments with either containments or.. perhaps barriers I think? I've not written much, but I should likely get myself prepared.
2, Phoenix, 1327
The experiment went well!
It was.. very exciting to even have the chance [blot, smear, blot] I [spot]
I never thought I would trust someone so much, that she would trust me that much in return. I was scared at first, scared moreso for her than for me, could you really trust me that much..? but- [blot] Well, she assured me.
We worked out all the parameters. Lafey had chosen what she wanted, and I tried to make sure to think of everything. It was.. We started somewhat suddenly, but it was exciting nonetheless. She seemed unsure of how this worked, so I did would I could to explain quickly then. I think the best part about it is that.. it never would work unless we did it together~ It needed both of us for almost every step, and [spot] It is something that really is ours.
I.. [spot] I don't think I've really.. had much that could be 'ours' before. There are memories, but memories are always more one's than the other's; the one explaining the memory has had different thoughts, standing from a different place, than the other who has taken part in the memory.
This though, this really is... She brought something she wished for this, I told it the Rules. We both placed our energy within it, to make it know us, we both reflected our minds to it, it will only work for us, what is said will only be known for us. It is..
It is our Secret~
[blot]
I am giggling just thinking about it~ I [spot] I really feel I love her very much. I've always been excited about experiments before, but this is different. I really hope that we can do more of them together. She.. thought her magic wouldn't be as pretty, but I thought it was grand. It surrounded us in this swirl of inky power before contracting down to where she wished it, her eyes glowed bright like she had starlight in them, and it gave me a chill like a swift icy wind, but one right before setting out to something new; I do not see how that could not be pretty.
She certainly has not bothered me yet. I don't think she easily could if she tried.
Perhaps I will write this up for her sometime soon, if she is interested and curious about what we did for memory.
The experiment went well!
It was.. very exciting to even have the chance [blot, smear, blot] I [spot]
I never thought I would trust someone so much, that she would trust me that much in return. I was scared at first, scared moreso for her than for me, could you really trust me that much..? but- [blot] Well, she assured me.
We worked out all the parameters. Lafey had chosen what she wanted, and I tried to make sure to think of everything. It was.. We started somewhat suddenly, but it was exciting nonetheless. She seemed unsure of how this worked, so I did would I could to explain quickly then. I think the best part about it is that.. it never would work unless we did it together~ It needed both of us for almost every step, and [spot] It is something that really is ours.
I.. [spot] I don't think I've really.. had much that could be 'ours' before. There are memories, but memories are always more one's than the other's; the one explaining the memory has had different thoughts, standing from a different place, than the other who has taken part in the memory.
This though, this really is... She brought something she wished for this, I told it the Rules. We both placed our energy within it, to make it know us, we both reflected our minds to it, it will only work for us, what is said will only be known for us. It is..
It is our Secret~
[blot]
I am giggling just thinking about it~ I [spot] I really feel I love her very much. I've always been excited about experiments before, but this is different. I really hope that we can do more of them together. She.. thought her magic wouldn't be as pretty, but I thought it was grand. It surrounded us in this swirl of inky power before contracting down to where she wished it, her eyes glowed bright like she had starlight in them, and it gave me a chill like a swift icy wind, but one right before setting out to something new; I do not see how that could not be pretty.
She certainly has not bothered me yet. I don't think she easily could if she tried.
Perhaps I will write this up for her sometime soon, if she is interested and curious about what we did for memory.