58,Zephyr, 1327
[blot]
I have not written my thoughts for a time. I feel important things may have slipped through my fingers while I have been too busy with all that is happening, all that I've felt, all they've done and are doing [streak spot]
I will try to place them.
[blot] But my thoughts just wander to who they are. I.. [spot] I have been given such a grand gift to be with them. I want little more than to just stay with them in the time before this, though I know much more must be done, and I will not let it faulter. [spot]
I spoke with Lafey some the other night. She was worried.. worried that I was going to leave her. Worried that I would go and not return. And.. I do not want to leave. I will not leave if I have my choice, and if I must go elsewhere, I will return to her. There is so much we have yet to do after this, and.. I.. [blot] I do not want to be in a place without her. She.. she said she was very fond of me, and that she was glad to be my friend. I think her being my friend has been one of the best things that I have come to know. I have grown in a way I never would have grown if it were not for knowing her.
So I do not forget, some of her favorite things are lavender, strawberries, cats, books, and the Knights. She is not afraid of the Mists. She- [streak, blot] She... even said she would help me go with her there. That we could find a way. That.. I will not have to go nowhere, so long as... [blot] it didn't all go back.
[blot]
She also said that she thought Phooka was very fond of me. I.. [spot] I couldn't.. really argue, I mean- [blot] I do.. [small spot] I am also very fond of him too. But I thought that he is also very fond of her. I told her this, and she seemed surprised, and- I wondered how she could be surprised about it. It seems very clear to me. He always asks for her additional company when he tells me I can be somewhere with him. I have seen him cling to her hand, touch her arm, hold her and tell her secrets. I said I thought perhaps he was fond of us the same. Eventually, she thought that maybe he was. I.. [blot] I have really liked when we are all together. And I have really liked when I am with each of them, and seeing them together too.There is a sunshine warmth that dances around in me with them that makes me forget I have not felt the sun itself.
[ink blot]
And I will have to protect him soon. Phooka -[blot] He decided that he would be with me to stand before Riot. I - [streak spot] It will be alright. So many times he's told me... he will be alright, because I am with him. I.. I was always so touched that.. he had so much trust in me. That I was a presence that gave him so much hope that he would be able to do anything, if he otherwise had doubts. I- [blot] He will walk out of this, with all his Choice, and I will make sure of it. I have never, that I can recall, been so close to another sylvari. He is kind, determined, intelligent, grand in all manner of ways, and so bright. His presence always wraps around me like a quiet, spiraling warmth after a day of strong wind. No matter what it takes, I will make sure that he is alright. And I know.. I will be alright because he is there too, and that he will continue to be there for the others. Whether I come out with my Choice or not. If this ends, and he has himself, they all have themselves, I..[blot] I could not be too upset in nowhere. I would miss them, but they will all have each other.
[large blot]
But I will give all I can to see us both through. I said I wouldn't leave. That I would be there. And that is not something I want to give up. The Rules will bend for this.
Will..said I was, in return, skilled and intelligent. I [blot] am not sure how much I agree with that, though I will do all I can. They decided that Ren was.. to lead the assault team. If they spoke more about that before, my mind must have drifted and.. at first I was worried. I know how much has fallen on Ren lately. I.. [blot] I think I understand now. Why he has been the way he has been. I.. cannot hold it as long as he can. I have tried to make it easier for him, because I know it's difficult now when.. you wish to feel something and you just can't. You do and you don't, it's not the same. Because you know that if you let it happen all the way, you will be stuck. It will be too much, and you won't be able to do what you need to do.
[blot] I've.. tried to make it easier because of this. I know he will be focused. I said something to Will about it when Ren was there. And.. when Ren finally spoke, I heard his determination. He'd decided. He doesn't do that often, but when he does, what he decides will happen. He doesn't give up, and he puts all he can into it. I am not doubting anymore. Not him, nor those he's leading. I may see him, sometime before we go, but only briefly. I just.. [blot] I want to make sure I remember what it is to be close to him. Even if it's just a moment. I don't.. I don't want to get in his way when he is so focused. Perhaps he won't even notice, which.. would be all the better.
Syrlya had spoken to me before too. I think he understands a little more now, but I couldn't tell him all the way. I.. [blot] He helped me. Well, he's helped me a lot, but he helped me recently improve my mental scrambling wards. They are very violent, but Syrlya said they should be very good, that they will ward off Riot's ... attempts to touch the mind. He [blot] He showed me what it was like. I hadn't felt it, but he did, and thought it would be best if I knew. ... It was difficult to hold back the Chaos from lashing out at him when he tried to show me. I do not like.. anyone near my mind. I think the violent Chaos agrees. It was.. it was like a very soft touch, something very.. intimate and supposedly.. soothing, but. The Chaos didn't like it. Once his voice reflected the feeling, it was hard to hold back the ward, though luckily Syr speaking was simply to tell me to raise them if I could, and see if I could push him back. I.. [blot] I think it surprised him. He recoiled quickly, I was afraid I had hurt him, but he said I didn't, that it was good and should keep Riot away well.
I am going to practice it for a long time until I know I can keep it up under strain, as well as keep it on someone else that's moving and doing other things along with myself. And during fighting as well. When.. I can, I will need to show Phooka what it is like. Syr said it was disorienting at first, before I fixed it some. Though it could've been because it disrupted his own energy. I did fix it though, it should be fine now.
[blot]
I.. I think I am also going to give this book of memories to Lafey to hold before I go. In.. case that the Rules don't bend enough. That I lose my Choice. If that happens.. I choose that she can hold my Secrets. She can show them to Ren too, if he'd like to see them. I'd.. I'd give it to him, because I think he would know more of what it means, but I know he is busy. And it, [blot] it's not as important as seeing everyone through. It is for both of them, if they want the Secrets, and they will see each other again, so either one can hold it. They can be the ones to hold all anyone would ever know of me, and I would not mind.
Should you both see this, though I've already said it often, know you are both radiant and are the best friends I have known. I don't care if you think that you weren't there for me, or that you couldn't do this or that for me, you were there, and you did more than I ever could've thought anyone would ever do. I.. am only upset that I could not be with you longer, and done all the things we've wanted. That.. that I had to leave, but it was not my Choice. It would never be my Choice to leave either of you unless I really thought you wanted it. I can only ask that you do all the things you both want, that you keep yourselves, and continue to be lovely. That you keep your little huffs, your crossing arms, your beaming grins and lopsided smiles, your pouty scowls, your heel rocking and feet shuffling, and the way you change colors. I will never forget the warmth you brought me, I hope you can find another light to be a beacon in the dark. Keep yourselves, bloom well, and find what you seek. I will miss you.
[blot]
I have not written my thoughts for a time. I feel important things may have slipped through my fingers while I have been too busy with all that is happening, all that I've felt, all they've done and are doing [streak spot]
I will try to place them.
[blot] But my thoughts just wander to who they are. I.. [spot] I have been given such a grand gift to be with them. I want little more than to just stay with them in the time before this, though I know much more must be done, and I will not let it faulter. [spot]
I spoke with Lafey some the other night. She was worried.. worried that I was going to leave her. Worried that I would go and not return. And.. I do not want to leave. I will not leave if I have my choice, and if I must go elsewhere, I will return to her. There is so much we have yet to do after this, and.. I.. [blot] I do not want to be in a place without her. She.. she said she was very fond of me, and that she was glad to be my friend. I think her being my friend has been one of the best things that I have come to know. I have grown in a way I never would have grown if it were not for knowing her.
So I do not forget, some of her favorite things are lavender, strawberries, cats, books, and the Knights. She is not afraid of the Mists. She- [streak, blot] She... even said she would help me go with her there. That we could find a way. That.. I will not have to go nowhere, so long as... [blot] it didn't all go back.
[blot]
She also said that she thought Phooka was very fond of me. I.. [spot] I couldn't.. really argue, I mean- [blot] I do.. [small spot] I am also very fond of him too. But I thought that he is also very fond of her. I told her this, and she seemed surprised, and- I wondered how she could be surprised about it. It seems very clear to me. He always asks for her additional company when he tells me I can be somewhere with him. I have seen him cling to her hand, touch her arm, hold her and tell her secrets. I said I thought perhaps he was fond of us the same. Eventually, she thought that maybe he was. I.. [blot] I have really liked when we are all together. And I have really liked when I am with each of them, and seeing them together too.There is a sunshine warmth that dances around in me with them that makes me forget I have not felt the sun itself.
[ink blot]
And I will have to protect him soon. Phooka -[blot] He decided that he would be with me to stand before Riot. I - [streak spot] It will be alright. So many times he's told me... he will be alright, because I am with him. I.. I was always so touched that.. he had so much trust in me. That I was a presence that gave him so much hope that he would be able to do anything, if he otherwise had doubts. I- [blot] He will walk out of this, with all his Choice, and I will make sure of it. I have never, that I can recall, been so close to another sylvari. He is kind, determined, intelligent, grand in all manner of ways, and so bright. His presence always wraps around me like a quiet, spiraling warmth after a day of strong wind. No matter what it takes, I will make sure that he is alright. And I know.. I will be alright because he is there too, and that he will continue to be there for the others. Whether I come out with my Choice or not. If this ends, and he has himself, they all have themselves, I..[blot] I could not be too upset in nowhere. I would miss them, but they will all have each other.
[large blot]
But I will give all I can to see us both through. I said I wouldn't leave. That I would be there. And that is not something I want to give up. The Rules will bend for this.
Will..said I was, in return, skilled and intelligent. I [blot] am not sure how much I agree with that, though I will do all I can. They decided that Ren was.. to lead the assault team. If they spoke more about that before, my mind must have drifted and.. at first I was worried. I know how much has fallen on Ren lately. I.. [blot] I think I understand now. Why he has been the way he has been. I.. cannot hold it as long as he can. I have tried to make it easier for him, because I know it's difficult now when.. you wish to feel something and you just can't. You do and you don't, it's not the same. Because you know that if you let it happen all the way, you will be stuck. It will be too much, and you won't be able to do what you need to do.
[blot] I've.. tried to make it easier because of this. I know he will be focused. I said something to Will about it when Ren was there. And.. when Ren finally spoke, I heard his determination. He'd decided. He doesn't do that often, but when he does, what he decides will happen. He doesn't give up, and he puts all he can into it. I am not doubting anymore. Not him, nor those he's leading. I may see him, sometime before we go, but only briefly. I just.. [blot] I want to make sure I remember what it is to be close to him. Even if it's just a moment. I don't.. I don't want to get in his way when he is so focused. Perhaps he won't even notice, which.. would be all the better.
Syrlya had spoken to me before too. I think he understands a little more now, but I couldn't tell him all the way. I.. [blot] He helped me. Well, he's helped me a lot, but he helped me recently improve my mental scrambling wards. They are very violent, but Syrlya said they should be very good, that they will ward off Riot's ... attempts to touch the mind. He [blot] He showed me what it was like. I hadn't felt it, but he did, and thought it would be best if I knew. ... It was difficult to hold back the Chaos from lashing out at him when he tried to show me. I do not like.. anyone near my mind. I think the violent Chaos agrees. It was.. it was like a very soft touch, something very.. intimate and supposedly.. soothing, but. The Chaos didn't like it. Once his voice reflected the feeling, it was hard to hold back the ward, though luckily Syr speaking was simply to tell me to raise them if I could, and see if I could push him back. I.. [blot] I think it surprised him. He recoiled quickly, I was afraid I had hurt him, but he said I didn't, that it was good and should keep Riot away well.
I am going to practice it for a long time until I know I can keep it up under strain, as well as keep it on someone else that's moving and doing other things along with myself. And during fighting as well. When.. I can, I will need to show Phooka what it is like. Syr said it was disorienting at first, before I fixed it some. Though it could've been because it disrupted his own energy. I did fix it though, it should be fine now.
[blot]
I.. I think I am also going to give this book of memories to Lafey to hold before I go. In.. case that the Rules don't bend enough. That I lose my Choice. If that happens.. I choose that she can hold my Secrets. She can show them to Ren too, if he'd like to see them. I'd.. I'd give it to him, because I think he would know more of what it means, but I know he is busy. And it, [blot] it's not as important as seeing everyone through. It is for both of them, if they want the Secrets, and they will see each other again, so either one can hold it. They can be the ones to hold all anyone would ever know of me, and I would not mind.
Should you both see this, though I've already said it often, know you are both radiant and are the best friends I have known. I don't care if you think that you weren't there for me, or that you couldn't do this or that for me, you were there, and you did more than I ever could've thought anyone would ever do. I.. am only upset that I could not be with you longer, and done all the things we've wanted. That.. that I had to leave, but it was not my Choice. It would never be my Choice to leave either of you unless I really thought you wanted it. I can only ask that you do all the things you both want, that you keep yourselves, and continue to be lovely. That you keep your little huffs, your crossing arms, your beaming grins and lopsided smiles, your pouty scowls, your heel rocking and feet shuffling, and the way you change colors. I will never forget the warmth you brought me, I hope you can find another light to be a beacon in the dark. Keep yourselves, bloom well, and find what you seek. I will miss you.
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