[There is a note folded into this page.]
83, Zephyr, 1327
I said I have been writing nearly every day, though lately, that hasn't been true. Well, no, I have still been writing, but not [blot] not memories in here. I suppose lately, it's been much easier to discern what I will remember and what I will not, and the things I will not, I really don't care to recall. [blot]
Though there are things that have happened I do wish to recall.
The sun before last I did a lot of waiting. Syr and Tal spoke of things, of each other, of my tendrils, and of the Dream. [blot] It is never easy for me to speak to Dreamers talking of the Dream. My thoughts often offend on the matter, and I can never bring myself to say I'm sorry for it. I do not regret those thoughts, I believe them. I wish to speak my own views on such things, in case others have never considered; Tal said that he'd never thought of it before, that Dreamers can't actually have Secrets. And I know it's.. It is very difficult to see things through anything other than what you are stuck in. The Dream is very much like that. I have seen those becoming Soundless, who, [blot] it was like what humans call a 'revelation'. They were never able to think the way they could think when they were Dreamers as when they were Soundless. It was like opening one's eyes that have always been closed while drowning out all the goading voices to actually seesomething for themselves, go their own way, instead of always listening to a song they learned to like that was really leading them astray. Others [blot] others won't have it at all. They leave their songs behind and feel so much of what they always felt they 'were'.. missing, that they need to go back, they just know they must go back.
But that is what is so grand about it. It gives Choice. It lets you see yourself from a different place, and helps you understand what it is you really want, what it is that makes you who you are, and then you can choose.
When Choice is taken away, when one tries to coax another never to look from a different place, never to have the option, just to see [blot]. I do not understand. And Dreamers do that a lot. I don't know if they mean to. But they grow scared if another wants to leave the Dream, and they often try to hold them, to bring them back... like the Dream does. And, when it sneaks in, I've heard the shadows try to do too. They pull. They try to force. They do it their own ways, very different ways, but what they do, I think, is very similar. At least Dreamers have the option to Choose, if they can pull themselves away. I don't think those who have gone to Nightmare have the same ability. And perhaps I am wrong on that entirely, but[spot] I don't know. The Quiet does none of those things. It is just there if you'd like it, there if it suits you, and it will easily let you go if you don't wish it anymore. It is.. [blot] understanding, and not controlling or clinging when you need a chance to breathe.
I couldn't stay for that conversation. I already didn't want to speak, when Syr was trying to ask me what was bothering me, and that - well, I just couldn't speak about the Dream either.
So I left and did more waiting nearby.
They eventually went to the balcony though, and I heard them. What Androsace, Ren, and I heard [blot] it sounds like the rumors are true. That there is another Elder Dragon. From what I understand, they [blot] are very connected to magic, and that the breachmaker hit the ley lines... I think that is what disturbed it. I wonder if that is what Scarlet wanted all along. I haven't been there much, I do not really know, but [spot]
[a few more drops of ink]
I don't know what more to say about that.
Eventually, I left the house altogether, and went over by where those pigs live. Phooka found me from the note I left and he [spot] was so upset. I .. I was scared for him. The first thing he said to me was 'I won't break' and I cannot find the words to place just how incredibly troubling that is. He said he couldn't tell me what had happened, though he wanted to, that he made a promise.. but that it was about Kaiya, and he didn't know if she was going to be ok. That she would tell us when she was ready. [blot] I only hope she is ok too. I really didn't.. I mean. I held him.And said I would as long as he wanted me to, and he.. he didn't want me to ever let go.
I think I was able to calm him at least for a few moments here and there when he was with me. I am glad I could do at least that, if I did. He just.. he was so very upset, and I didn't know how else I could help him, but to be there. I didn't even know if that would be enough, or anything. But he [blot]
He said he didn't want to have any Secrets from me, or that.. [spot] that he wished to share with me all the Secrets he had. He wanted me to really know him.That [blot] It is.. it is so terribly and wonderfully important! I could hardly express how important it was, it just [blot] I mean. That is... that is everything! It's almost frightening how much of everything that is, how.. much that means. Iwas am honored, overjoyed, overwhelmed in.. in a grand way, but.. also very scared. He is trusting me with.. with himself, with so much. What if I am not good enough? What if I am not what he finds he wanted, and he just- he ends up giving me so much, that.. will I be able to give it back? Will he be alright if he keeps nothing for himself to hold onto that is all his own? I am almost scared for him, even though I wish him no ill, I.. [blot]
I told him that it would be alright if he ever changed his mind. Because, I mean- he might! I.. It is hard for me to imagine myself ever being worthy of.. of really knowing all of anyone but myself. It's [blot] It's just so much. But he says he only knows how he feels right now, and that's, I mean, I can't argue with that. [blot] I just hope I do not let him down.
We spoke of Silence then, and I.. I was actually able to begin helping him move further. I was worried for him starting then, since I knew it would be hard, and he was already so upset, but he insisted.
He found he was deeper caught in the Dream than he thought. I.. I was not surprised, but I worry about what he says. About shadows. He seems almost trapped between them and the voices of the Dream, from what I heard, the currents for him were a rushing rapids that went deeper than a lake, but not as vast as the ocean. It was.. I cannot share his pain, but I felt for him, it was just painful for me to have to tell him to go there, and to only be able to hold him and watch as he had none of his Quiet to keep it out. But he had to know. He needs to know where he is, and what he must really overcome before he can ever find his way out. I did say it would not be easy.
We only went that far. He knows now, at least. And when he thinks he is ready, when he thinks he can hold himself together and be strong against all the voices, we will continue. I.. [blot] I have still been waiting.
Waiting to deal with many of the things I must, hoping I could, at least, be part of the strength I know Phooka will need to find his way. I don't know what will happen either, what will happen when I confront the things I have to. But I.. [blot] it may be a while yet, and what I need to deal with cannot wait forever. Phooka should not rush this. So I will simply have to find the time to.. speak with others soon.
[blot]
Syr gave me this letter, and. I find I.. [spot] I don't... I can hardly consider it. Even though he says this, I [blot] I don't understand. Does he just.. feel things and then take them back? Is- can anyone just do that? Is that what...[blot] Is he lying somewhere? He's right, it doesn't make any sense, and [blot] it's not... I just. I don't know.
I still don't think I am ready to speak to him. I don't even.. I guess if he is now not expecting anything from me, then that is fine enough, and I don't have to. [large blot]
I have.. I have felt so far away lately. I've been trying not to be, to come back slowly, and then I realize that [spot] I don't have anywhere to go again. I.. I almost told Phooka, after everything when I snuck up on him, that I just. ... I didn't know where else to go. Ren always walks away. I.. think I have forgotten how to talk to him, or maybe he... forgot how to talk to me too. I really don't think I am anyone he wants to be around now, but that's.. alright, especially if I can't seem to say anything, and we never run. I.. I will always think of him as my friend though. I've been wanting to write to him, but right now, I feel almost too far for that. I'll try to think of something.
Lafey said she likely seems strange because she has been working so much on archives and other duties. I offered to help her, as I have been writing notes for them anyway. She said it would be nice to have someone to help do that, but.. well, I don't know if she wants it to be me. I would really want to speak with her too, I just.. I feel so strange. I don't want her to feel like she needs to try and.. and fix me, I would like to be able to myself. That is.. I think that is a big reason why I have been waiting.
I just really don't want to be a mess.
[blot]
This is long, there are many things to say here, but I suppose I don't mind.
Kaiya put together a cookout for us, and it was grand. She did a lot of work with the food, and [blot] even though I still felt misplaced, it was nice. I.. She seemed.. very dismissive of everyone. Worried and dismissive at the same time. Like she was far away too. I hope she is alright.
Androsace fought an excellent duel. It was very exciting and a grand fight. I am glad she won, it must have meant a lot to her, and.. even though.. well, I am just glad for her.
Lafey, Syr, and I all spoke about issues concerning the Scholars. I.. [blot] I have been wanting to just - to dive into knowledge, to work with magic, to figure out puzzles and study various things and- [streak] I think I got a little excited. It was hard not to! I hope we can proceed soon with some of that, I have not finished all my notes, but I did give Lafey some. She told me not to worry, I just don't want to take too long.
Also I [blot] I... I don't know why I was compelled to, but.. I... I trusted my back to Phooka last sun. I mean, we had been talking about the tendrils, and.. well, they were misbehaving again, by grabbing all over things. The others thought it might be interesting to train them, and I agreed! I've been doing that for a while, by myself and.. well, before when Ren helped too. But I [spot]
He was.. he was the only one who ever touched my back, that I can remember, even just for a little while. And.. I don't know, I still want to tell him about it. Even though it's... it's not at all pleasant, he wanted to know and. [a few ink blots] I suppose that will happen sometime too.
I wish 'timing' was not something that needed to be considered with people. It makes everything a giant drawn out guessing game until I am just too thorny impatient to give a brambleous weed about any of it, and brashly go ahead with my thoughts anyway. Can't we just skip all that part?
The folded note.:
Dear Xsaia,
I felt this was something easiest left to you in word, where I could speak clearly? And it is faster than a conversation, so I hope you will not mind it.
Do you remember that night I asked if we could be closer? I'm sure that you do, though I cannot tell if it is one of the things that are burdening you. I know you've many things to take care of, and it may be low priority and I am worrying for nothing.
I think perhaps it is best if we take that back. Not because I do not like you, or would not trust you, or
I know you said you would not mind my feelings but
I don't think it is necessary for us to be close. We are not left wanting and perhaps for that it is not worth the risk that o my feelings could complicate things.
You have something very beautiful, it would be wretched of me to hurt that being careless.
Please don't
You have sounded so afraid of being unfair, or hurting me? But please don't be. I just want you to have what makes you happy. I want all of you to.
Perhaps this will not make the same amount of sense to you right now but it is not a thing you need to worry about, until it is something you're ready for. Take care of yourself and the things on your shoulders.
Sincerely,
Syrlya
I felt this was something easiest left to you in word, where I could speak clearly? And it is faster than a conversation, so I hope you will not mind it.
Do you remember that night I asked if we could be closer? I'm sure that you do, though I cannot tell if it is one of the things that are burdening you. I know you've many things to take care of, and it may be low priority and I am worrying for nothing.
I think perhaps it is best if we take that back. Not because I do not like you, or would not trust you, or
I know you said you would not mind my feelings but
I don't think it is necessary for us to be close. We are not left wanting and perhaps for that it is not worth the risk that o my feelings could complicate things.
You have something very beautiful, it would be wretched of me to hurt that being careless.
Please don't
You have sounded so afraid of being unfair, or hurting me? But please don't be. I just want you to have what makes you happy. I want all of you to.
Perhaps this will not make the same amount of sense to you right now but it is not a thing you need to worry about, until it is something you're ready for. Take care of yourself and the things on your shoulders.
Sincerely,
Syrlya
83, Zephyr, 1327
I said I have been writing nearly every day, though lately, that hasn't been true. Well, no, I have still been writing, but not [blot] not memories in here. I suppose lately, it's been much easier to discern what I will remember and what I will not, and the things I will not, I really don't care to recall. [blot]
Though there are things that have happened I do wish to recall.
The sun before last I did a lot of waiting. Syr and Tal spoke of things, of each other, of my tendrils, and of the Dream. [blot] It is never easy for me to speak to Dreamers talking of the Dream. My thoughts often offend on the matter, and I can never bring myself to say I'm sorry for it. I do not regret those thoughts, I believe them. I wish to speak my own views on such things, in case others have never considered; Tal said that he'd never thought of it before, that Dreamers can't actually have Secrets. And I know it's.. It is very difficult to see things through anything other than what you are stuck in. The Dream is very much like that. I have seen those becoming Soundless, who, [blot] it was like what humans call a 'revelation'. They were never able to think the way they could think when they were Dreamers as when they were Soundless. It was like opening one's eyes that have always been closed while drowning out all the goading voices to actually seesomething for themselves, go their own way, instead of always listening to a song they learned to like that was really leading them astray. Others [blot] others won't have it at all. They leave their songs behind and feel so much of what they always felt they 'were'.. missing, that they need to go back, they just know they must go back.
But that is what is so grand about it. It gives Choice. It lets you see yourself from a different place, and helps you understand what it is you really want, what it is that makes you who you are, and then you can choose.
When Choice is taken away, when one tries to coax another never to look from a different place, never to have the option, just to see [blot]. I do not understand. And Dreamers do that a lot. I don't know if they mean to. But they grow scared if another wants to leave the Dream, and they often try to hold them, to bring them back... like the Dream does. And, when it sneaks in, I've heard the shadows try to do too. They pull. They try to force. They do it their own ways, very different ways, but what they do, I think, is very similar. At least Dreamers have the option to Choose, if they can pull themselves away. I don't think those who have gone to Nightmare have the same ability. And perhaps I am wrong on that entirely, but[spot] I don't know. The Quiet does none of those things. It is just there if you'd like it, there if it suits you, and it will easily let you go if you don't wish it anymore. It is.. [blot] understanding, and not controlling or clinging when you need a chance to breathe.
I couldn't stay for that conversation. I already didn't want to speak, when Syr was trying to ask me what was bothering me, and that - well, I just couldn't speak about the Dream either.
So I left and did more waiting nearby.
They eventually went to the balcony though, and I heard them. What Androsace, Ren, and I heard [blot] it sounds like the rumors are true. That there is another Elder Dragon. From what I understand, they [blot] are very connected to magic, and that the breachmaker hit the ley lines... I think that is what disturbed it. I wonder if that is what Scarlet wanted all along. I haven't been there much, I do not really know, but [spot]
[a few more drops of ink]
I don't know what more to say about that.
Eventually, I left the house altogether, and went over by where those pigs live. Phooka found me from the note I left and he [spot] was so upset. I .. I was scared for him. The first thing he said to me was 'I won't break' and I cannot find the words to place just how incredibly troubling that is. He said he couldn't tell me what had happened, though he wanted to, that he made a promise.. but that it was about Kaiya, and he didn't know if she was going to be ok. That she would tell us when she was ready. [blot] I only hope she is ok too. I really didn't.. I mean. I held him.And said I would as long as he wanted me to, and he.. he didn't want me to ever let go.
I think I was able to calm him at least for a few moments here and there when he was with me. I am glad I could do at least that, if I did. He just.. he was so very upset, and I didn't know how else I could help him, but to be there. I didn't even know if that would be enough, or anything. But he [blot]
He said he didn't want to have any Secrets from me, or that.. [spot] that he wished to share with me all the Secrets he had. He wanted me to really know him.That [blot] It is.. it is so terribly and wonderfully important! I could hardly express how important it was, it just [blot] I mean. That is... that is everything! It's almost frightening how much of everything that is, how.. much that means. I
I told him that it would be alright if he ever changed his mind. Because, I mean- he might! I.. It is hard for me to imagine myself ever being worthy of.. of really knowing all of anyone but myself. It's [blot] It's just so much. But he says he only knows how he feels right now, and that's, I mean, I can't argue with that. [blot] I just hope I do not let him down.
We spoke of Silence then, and I.. I was actually able to begin helping him move further. I was worried for him starting then, since I knew it would be hard, and he was already so upset, but he insisted.
He found he was deeper caught in the Dream than he thought. I.. I was not surprised, but I worry about what he says. About shadows. He seems almost trapped between them and the voices of the Dream, from what I heard, the currents for him were a rushing rapids that went deeper than a lake, but not as vast as the ocean. It was.. I cannot share his pain, but I felt for him, it was just painful for me to have to tell him to go there, and to only be able to hold him and watch as he had none of his Quiet to keep it out. But he had to know. He needs to know where he is, and what he must really overcome before he can ever find his way out. I did say it would not be easy.
We only went that far. He knows now, at least. And when he thinks he is ready, when he thinks he can hold himself together and be strong against all the voices, we will continue. I.. [blot] I have still been waiting.
Waiting to deal with many of the things I must, hoping I could, at least, be part of the strength I know Phooka will need to find his way. I don't know what will happen either, what will happen when I confront the things I have to. But I.. [blot] it may be a while yet, and what I need to deal with cannot wait forever. Phooka should not rush this. So I will simply have to find the time to.. speak with others soon.
[blot]
Syr gave me this letter, and. I find I.. [spot] I don't... I can hardly consider it. Even though he says this, I [blot] I don't understand. Does he just.. feel things and then take them back? Is- can anyone just do that? Is that what...[blot] Is he lying somewhere? He's right, it doesn't make any sense, and [blot] it's not... I just. I don't know.
I still don't think I am ready to speak to him. I don't even.. I guess if he is now not expecting anything from me, then that is fine enough, and I don't have to. [large blot]
I have.. I have felt so far away lately. I've been trying not to be, to come back slowly, and then I realize that [spot] I don't have anywhere to go again. I.. I almost told Phooka, after everything when I snuck up on him, that I just. ... I didn't know where else to go. Ren always walks away. I.. think I have forgotten how to talk to him, or maybe he... forgot how to talk to me too. I really don't think I am anyone he wants to be around now, but that's.. alright, especially if I can't seem to say anything, and we never run. I.. I will always think of him as my friend though. I've been wanting to write to him, but right now, I feel almost too far for that. I'll try to think of something.
Lafey said she likely seems strange because she has been working so much on archives and other duties. I offered to help her, as I have been writing notes for them anyway. She said it would be nice to have someone to help do that, but.. well, I don't know if she wants it to be me. I would really want to speak with her too, I just.. I feel so strange. I don't want her to feel like she needs to try and.. and fix me, I would like to be able to myself. That is.. I think that is a big reason why I have been waiting.
I just really don't want to be a mess.
[blot]
This is long, there are many things to say here, but I suppose I don't mind.
Kaiya put together a cookout for us, and it was grand. She did a lot of work with the food, and [blot] even though I still felt misplaced, it was nice. I.. She seemed.. very dismissive of everyone. Worried and dismissive at the same time. Like she was far away too. I hope she is alright.
Androsace fought an excellent duel. It was very exciting and a grand fight. I am glad she won, it must have meant a lot to her, and.. even though.. well, I am just glad for her.
Lafey, Syr, and I all spoke about issues concerning the Scholars. I.. [blot] I have been wanting to just - to dive into knowledge, to work with magic, to figure out puzzles and study various things and- [streak] I think I got a little excited. It was hard not to! I hope we can proceed soon with some of that, I have not finished all my notes, but I did give Lafey some. She told me not to worry, I just don't want to take too long.
Also I [blot] I... I don't know why I was compelled to, but.. I... I trusted my back to Phooka last sun. I mean, we had been talking about the tendrils, and.. well, they were misbehaving again, by grabbing all over things. The others thought it might be interesting to train them, and I agreed! I've been doing that for a while, by myself and.. well, before when Ren helped too. But I [spot]
He was.. he was the only one who ever touched my back, that I can remember, even just for a little while. And.. I don't know, I still want to tell him about it. Even though it's... it's not at all pleasant, he wanted to know and. [a few ink blots] I suppose that will happen sometime too.
I wish 'timing' was not something that needed to be considered with people. It makes everything a giant drawn out guessing game until I am just too thorny impatient to give a brambleous weed about any of it, and brashly go ahead with my thoughts anyway. Can't we just skip all that part?
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