86, Zephyr, 1327
I have not written many memories for a time. Has it been strange that I've not wanted to?
Many I don't [streak, blot]
I don't really want to think about, but I should list them.
Kaiya stabbed herself in the cave, Ara didn't do it. This happened within mere feet of others who could have helped. Kaiya also kept it secret that Ara had done nothing, and instead spelled her mind to make her think she did it. She claimed it was for protection. Kaiya had also left to go on her own for a while somewhere, I think to search for someone, and wanted it secret. She told Phooka these things. He kept them secret like she asked, but was very upset about it. He never got a chance to tell us though, even after Kaiya left. It was a big mistake, because we could have helped Ara- well, Syr and Tal, especially Tal, could have.
Kaiya's reasoning didn't really make sense. She got dragged back. Everyone was terribly upset. Will [blot] left the Knights, he said it was too much. Many of them said they could not trust Phooka and Kaiya anymore. Or at least Lafey and Ren did.
Lafey got.. very angry. She felt like death and I was very scared for her. Ren seemed to try and help, but it hurt him too. By the end they were both [blot]damaged, and I tended to them with Nenia to see that they were alright. I think Ren took in too much energy, and Lafey had [spot] she lost a part of herself. We kept it out by accident because we didn't know what it was, but we did, eventually, let it back in. Lafey felt like.. she was losing so much. She felt like it couldn't be fixed, and she just wanted to be close to her friends. She just wanted to be happy.[blot] I think Ren did as well.
I [blot] I wanted to be with them, to make sure they were alright. But I lost them. I waited outside Lafey's house before I called her, thinking she would come back, but she went to a secret house and didn't want me to know about it. I already knew that Ren wouldn't want me.
[ink blot]
I.. most want them to be alright. Both of them, and Nenia too, they all seemed so upset. And Phooka [blot] I would have gone with him, but the others really needed me then. Or at least I felt like they did, I couldn't leave them, not like that. Phooka gave me a look like I shouldn't care. His look is wrong, I still do. I am wandering now, or have been, maybe I will find him. Maybe I will find.. someone.
[a larger blot]
I was terribly angry. I still am. The Chaos was in me so strong, I could hear it in my throat, I wonder if others did too. I just wanted to do terrible things. Terrible things with no real end, other than to do them, no grand point other than destruction, I just wanted [blot] [a few dripping spots, before the pen looks pressed hard into the page for a bigger one]
But it is not wise to listen to the Chaos now. It is not wise to destroy or to run when what I know I want is to heal and to stay. I've had to keep myself in a strong Quiet the whole time. I still do. The Chaos wants to come out, and sometimes I let it a little, but right now I need to stay Quiet. [another blot, like the pen just sit here motionless for a little]
Waiting is terrible.
I have not written many memories for a time. Has it been strange that I've not wanted to?
Many I don't [streak, blot]
I don't really want to think about, but I should list them.
Kaiya stabbed herself in the cave, Ara didn't do it. This happened within mere feet of others who could have helped. Kaiya also kept it secret that Ara had done nothing, and instead spelled her mind to make her think she did it. She claimed it was for protection. Kaiya had also left to go on her own for a while somewhere, I think to search for someone, and wanted it secret. She told Phooka these things. He kept them secret like she asked, but was very upset about it. He never got a chance to tell us though, even after Kaiya left. It was a big mistake, because we could have helped Ara- well, Syr and Tal, especially Tal, could have.
Kaiya's reasoning didn't really make sense. She got dragged back. Everyone was terribly upset. Will [blot] left the Knights, he said it was too much. Many of them said they could not trust Phooka and Kaiya anymore. Or at least Lafey and Ren did.
Lafey got.. very angry. She felt like death and I was very scared for her. Ren seemed to try and help, but it hurt him too. By the end they were both [blot]damaged, and I tended to them with Nenia to see that they were alright. I think Ren took in too much energy, and Lafey had [spot] she lost a part of herself. We kept it out by accident because we didn't know what it was, but we did, eventually, let it back in. Lafey felt like.. she was losing so much. She felt like it couldn't be fixed, and she just wanted to be close to her friends. She just wanted to be happy.[blot] I think Ren did as well.
I [blot] I wanted to be with them, to make sure they were alright. But I lost them. I waited outside Lafey's house before I called her, thinking she would come back, but she went to a secret house and didn't want me to know about it. I already knew that Ren wouldn't want me.
[ink blot]
I.. most want them to be alright. Both of them, and Nenia too, they all seemed so upset. And Phooka [blot] I would have gone with him, but the others really needed me then. Or at least I felt like they did, I couldn't leave them, not like that. Phooka gave me a look like I shouldn't care. His look is wrong, I still do. I am wandering now, or have been, maybe I will find him. Maybe I will find.. someone.
[a larger blot]
I was terribly angry. I still am. The Chaos was in me so strong, I could hear it in my throat, I wonder if others did too. I just wanted to do terrible things. Terrible things with no real end, other than to do them, no grand point other than destruction, I just wanted [blot] [a few dripping spots, before the pen looks pressed hard into the page for a bigger one]
But it is not wise to listen to the Chaos now. It is not wise to destroy or to run when what I know I want is to heal and to stay. I've had to keep myself in a strong Quiet the whole time. I still do. The Chaos wants to come out, and sometimes I let it a little, but right now I need to stay Quiet. [another blot, like the pen just sit here motionless for a little]
Waiting is terrible.
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