65,Zephyr, 1327
[blot]
Last sun was... nice. There was a lot I wanted to say, but-[blot] Well, that's starting in the middle.
Phooka made me blueberry pancakes and they were absolutely wonderful. He is so kind, I wish I could make him something he would like just as much. I [blot] I have actually been thinking about it for a while now, what I could make him that he would like. I think it was definitely him who gave me that gift; I.. don't remember anyone really giving me anything before. It has not left me, I want to always wear it, it's so lovely and stayed with me when I was lost in pain. I've wanted to make him something too, but I am not very good at making things other than human clothing and books.. sort of. I will still try though, and hope he may be able to use whatever I make for something, or at least might find it worth looking at for a little while.
[blot] He likes books, actually. Maybe I will try to make him one. Though.. it's always possible that he likes what's in the books too. I'll have to put something inside also, just in case. Though I could also try to make something from the Chaos. . .
[spot]
We took a walk. I.. Syr ran off before that, I hope he is alright. I wonder if he likes running too much now. It sounded like he and Tal really needed to speak. I've.. I've kind of not.. wished to get all too close to that, but it looked like it was just at a point where they were both going to ignore it unless it was said. So I said it. I hope Tal found him and they were able to talk some.
Otherwise, it was Androsace, Lafey, Phooka, and myself who walked. It was rather fun and nice to get out and just wander. I took them to the bird, and Lafey took us to the rooftop. I [spot]
I did not realize how much of the Chaos was in Phooka. It was actually like a refreshing wind, an enjoyable breeze to twirl in, to not be the only one. Before, he said we would dance, and I said that I would teach him to listen to the Chaos. I.. I think he will be able to hear it well, and perhaps even enjoy it like I do. Though some of it's showings were dangerous, I really cannot blame him at all; I know what it is to feel it vine up through your body and wish to escape into the light of day. It's easy to push it down when there are others who may not like it. So I..[spot] I am glad I got to see that part of him, and wish to know it more.
We found a place in Ebonhawke that might suit us well. I didn't like that I couldn't remember any windows, and there were a lot of walls; humans make interesting and grand structures, yet they are so full restraints. They want to be close to each other, but they lock themselves away, it's strange. I liked it, despite being a little stifling. Though it is nice to hide, I would probably need to be outside fairly often if we choose that as the Knights' home.
We saw a graveyard as well, and spoke a little of death. Phooka said he would like to be buried by the roots of a tree so he may nourish it, or perhaps given to the Priory to study; that he would want to be useful. Lafey said she may give herself to an apprentice or relative. Androsace wanted to be burned into the soil, to help things grow. [blot] In case I need to remember, but I hope I will not. I.. [spot] I couldn't really say anything. Right now.. right now it wouldn't matter what else I wanted, because I would not be anywhere to be placed. There would be nothing left, nothing would remain where they could reach it. They would not need to do anything for me, because of that though. I.. I think Phooka might have heard me mutter, but I don't think he understood. He said though that he wouldn't worry, he would praise and honor the life lived, and I... That would be nice. I hope they can all meet in the Mists again like Lafey said. I hope that.. maybe someday I will find a way to go with her. [blot] If not, it sounds like it will be alright though. I'll.. I'll think about what I want to do if I ever find a way not to be nowhere.
[ink spot]
We went up to a high place then. Androsace left after a time, and ah- This.. [spot]
There were a lot of things I wanted to say. Phooka [ink blot] he said he loves us both. I [spot][/i] I mean, it isn't unforeseen considering what has happened, and Iknew he was very fond of Lafey, that wasn't surprising at all, but it is still terribly unexpected! Paradoxically. I just- [blot] I did not think anyone ever would -[streak, dot]He.. he was wrong though, when he said that she loved me. I don't think she does, or maybe, but not all the way yet until it's 'acceptable'. And I [blot] Thorns, this is hard even to write. It is fine that she doesn't, but.. I did want to say some things to him. If I spoke then it would've been a distraction, and I really wanted Lafey to know that she is not imposing at all, and see how much we care for her. I think Phooka was just as confused as I was when she was speaking about different ways to love, and strange human conventions.. I mean, I cannot.. they aren't wrong, they are just difficult to understand. Perhaps I will try to explain to him later how I thought I understood it. Which could also be wrong, but.. [blot]
[spot] It was.. somewhat indescribable to hear Phooka say that though. It was stronger than a sunshine warmth, it was more like a flame that didn't hurt, like that contained grenade he threw and I held from harm. It was surprising but also exciting, a burst of something nice unexpected, but also a little frightening. Though it was a good frightening. He [blot] He described how he loved me like roots loving the soil. That I was something he could know and dig into. I... I really liked that. That I can - it is.. well, it's grand beyond my diction. I feel that warmth just considering.
I wish I knew how to describe how I feel about him better. Other than not wanting to distract, I also could not find any words. Instead I just held him close while he spoke with Lafey. I don't know if that was enough, it probably wasn't, but I wanted him with me and didn't want to let go. I wanted to be that soil for him. He is so intelligent, and brilliant, and kind. His little beams, glows, and smiles, his songs, the way he just relaxes in my arms, the look he gets when he's making something and thinks no one else is watching, the quiet chuckles and unexpected explosions, whether literal or just from him being suddenly so full of emotion he has to led it be known, just what he is; I like it all. Like Lafey, there are many things that are in him I look up to, and cannot understand how he can be so bright. There is much for both of us to learn, and I would like to be there with him when we do.
But.. none of these words feel good enough. They are all true, but they don't catch it quite right and [blot] I would like to be able to catch it right before I speak them. [blot] I want him to know how I feel too, when I can say it. I think until then, I will just need my actions to speak before my words can find themselves.
Lafey I think, did finally understand how much we both like her with us. Maybe not how much we love her, but we might not know exactly how to tell her that yet either. We all decided to go to her home to rest. It was soothing to drift with them both so close again. I am glad that we don't have to listen to those rules that say we can't. I would've bent them if I had to.
We're going to Fort Salma later today, I think. I'll bring some things along with me, and I'll need to ask Phooka something soon, if Lafey will still allow him to root himself in her kitchen.
[blot]
Last sun was... nice. There was a lot I wanted to say, but-[blot] Well, that's starting in the middle.
Phooka made me blueberry pancakes and they were absolutely wonderful. He is so kind, I wish I could make him something he would like just as much. I [blot] I have actually been thinking about it for a while now, what I could make him that he would like. I think it was definitely him who gave me that gift; I.. don't remember anyone really giving me anything before. It has not left me, I want to always wear it, it's so lovely and stayed with me when I was lost in pain. I've wanted to make him something too, but I am not very good at making things other than human clothing and books.. sort of. I will still try though, and hope he may be able to use whatever I make for something, or at least might find it worth looking at for a little while.
[blot] He likes books, actually. Maybe I will try to make him one. Though.. it's always possible that he likes what's in the books too. I'll have to put something inside also, just in case. Though I could also try to make something from the Chaos. . .
[spot]
We took a walk. I.. Syr ran off before that, I hope he is alright. I wonder if he likes running too much now. It sounded like he and Tal really needed to speak. I've.. I've kind of not.. wished to get all too close to that, but it looked like it was just at a point where they were both going to ignore it unless it was said. So I said it. I hope Tal found him and they were able to talk some.
Otherwise, it was Androsace, Lafey, Phooka, and myself who walked. It was rather fun and nice to get out and just wander. I took them to the bird, and Lafey took us to the rooftop. I [spot]
I did not realize how much of the Chaos was in Phooka. It was actually like a refreshing wind, an enjoyable breeze to twirl in, to not be the only one. Before, he said we would dance, and I said that I would teach him to listen to the Chaos. I.. I think he will be able to hear it well, and perhaps even enjoy it like I do. Though some of it's showings were dangerous, I really cannot blame him at all; I know what it is to feel it vine up through your body and wish to escape into the light of day. It's easy to push it down when there are others who may not like it. So I..[spot] I am glad I got to see that part of him, and wish to know it more.
We found a place in Ebonhawke that might suit us well. I didn't like that I couldn't remember any windows, and there were a lot of walls; humans make interesting and grand structures, yet they are so full restraints. They want to be close to each other, but they lock themselves away, it's strange. I liked it, despite being a little stifling. Though it is nice to hide, I would probably need to be outside fairly often if we choose that as the Knights' home.
We saw a graveyard as well, and spoke a little of death. Phooka said he would like to be buried by the roots of a tree so he may nourish it, or perhaps given to the Priory to study; that he would want to be useful. Lafey said she may give herself to an apprentice or relative. Androsace wanted to be burned into the soil, to help things grow. [blot] In case I need to remember, but I hope I will not. I.. [spot] I couldn't really say anything. Right now.. right now it wouldn't matter what else I wanted, because I would not be anywhere to be placed. There would be nothing left, nothing would remain where they could reach it. They would not need to do anything for me, because of that though. I.. I think Phooka might have heard me mutter, but I don't think he understood. He said though that he wouldn't worry, he would praise and honor the life lived, and I... That would be nice. I hope they can all meet in the Mists again like Lafey said. I hope that.. maybe someday I will find a way to go with her. [blot] If not, it sounds like it will be alright though. I'll.. I'll think about what I want to do if I ever find a way not to be nowhere.
[ink spot]
We went up to a high place then. Androsace left after a time, and ah- This.. [spot]
There were a lot of things I wanted to say. Phooka [ink blot] he said he loves us both. I [spot][/i] I mean, it isn't unforeseen considering what has happened, and Iknew he was very fond of Lafey, that wasn't surprising at all, but it is still terribly unexpected! Paradoxically. I just- [blot] I did not think anyone ever would -[streak, dot]He.. he was wrong though, when he said that she loved me. I don't think she does, or maybe, but not all the way yet until it's 'acceptable'. And I [blot] Thorns, this is hard even to write. It is fine that she doesn't, but.. I did want to say some things to him. If I spoke then it would've been a distraction, and I really wanted Lafey to know that she is not imposing at all, and see how much we care for her. I think Phooka was just as confused as I was when she was speaking about different ways to love, and strange human conventions.. I mean, I cannot.. they aren't wrong, they are just difficult to understand. Perhaps I will try to explain to him later how I thought I understood it. Which could also be wrong, but.. [blot]
[spot] It was.. somewhat indescribable to hear Phooka say that though. It was stronger than a sunshine warmth, it was more like a flame that didn't hurt, like that contained grenade he threw and I held from harm. It was surprising but also exciting, a burst of something nice unexpected, but also a little frightening. Though it was a good frightening. He [blot] He described how he loved me like roots loving the soil. That I was something he could know and dig into. I... I really liked that. That I can - it is.. well, it's grand beyond my diction. I feel that warmth just considering.
I wish I knew how to describe how I feel about him better. Other than not wanting to distract, I also could not find any words. Instead I just held him close while he spoke with Lafey. I don't know if that was enough, it probably wasn't, but I wanted him with me and didn't want to let go. I wanted to be that soil for him. He is so intelligent, and brilliant, and kind. His little beams, glows, and smiles, his songs, the way he just relaxes in my arms, the look he gets when he's making something and thinks no one else is watching, the quiet chuckles and unexpected explosions, whether literal or just from him being suddenly so full of emotion he has to led it be known, just what he is; I like it all. Like Lafey, there are many things that are in him I look up to, and cannot understand how he can be so bright. There is much for both of us to learn, and I would like to be there with him when we do.
But.. none of these words feel good enough. They are all true, but they don't catch it quite right and [blot] I would like to be able to catch it right before I speak them. [blot] I want him to know how I feel too, when I can say it. I think until then, I will just need my actions to speak before my words can find themselves.
Lafey I think, did finally understand how much we both like her with us. Maybe not how much we love her, but we might not know exactly how to tell her that yet either. We all decided to go to her home to rest. It was soothing to drift with them both so close again. I am glad that we don't have to listen to those rules that say we can't. I would've bent them if I had to.
We're going to Fort Salma later today, I think. I'll bring some things along with me, and I'll need to ask Phooka something soon, if Lafey will still allow him to root himself in her kitchen.
No comments:
Post a Comment