40 Scion, 1327

[blot]

No.



What else do I even say about that? The amount of sheer idiocy, how completely [blot] by the brambleous Winds, why?

I mean thorns, they got what they wanted, but by what idiotic means [smear]

I am still so completely done. And so upset that I dragged Sphae through that as she was [blot] I should have gone with my instincts, I did not [blot]

I will learn. Next time I won't agree, especially when another WHO IS COMPETENT depends on me, because that was atrocious. I couldn't stay. I couldn't bare to stay near them. We couldn't stay, and I'm just so upset that [blot] Ugh. UGH.

To think I would let such idiocy happen a second time, I am ashamed.

But they make their own Choices, so let them get what they choose.

Barreling through the Growth and the deserts like that, and then climbing up it, by the Winds.

[a few blots]

At least if the stone is what is causing this ridiculous behavior, they are seeking a way to sever it's hold. I left my theories. Sphae and I escaped their rash decisions.

And she felt she was ready to be free of the Chaos, so.. we did that. As expected, she can't move well anymore, and I have been staying with her. I'm not sure where we are, somewhere in the Kessex hills perhaps? She was worried for me, but I am more concerned for her. I [blot] knew the Chaos would act as it did. It was only a temporary struggle, nothing that lasting, though [blot] I wonder what my face looks like now. I can feel the split bark and leaves around my eyes, the smoother places where sap has hardened. I hope it's not too alarming, because it's really nothing to be alarmed for.

In the meanwhile, I remade for her something so we may communicate, since hers was.. destroyed before.

[a few blots]

It seems I have a letter, and a Shade brings it..

[ a folded letter is in these pages, and the writing seems to cease here ]

37, Scion, 1327

By the Winds and the Chaos. [blot]

I am so glad that I came.

There is so much I should record, so much I should place to memory, and it is [spot] Even as I keep my calm here for her to rest easy, it is hard to contain my thoughts to some logical order of things. She is alright, Sphae is alright, and that is what's most important. 

[blot]

We traveled to the place Meiddi had indicated. She and those she was with had not [blot] investigated it much at all, so we did instead. Another waypoint had been taken by the Growth along the way. And Sphae cleared an entrance by her magic, through the rocks, into a tunnel [blot, and a few spots]

Chronological retelling is so difficult. Perhaps I will give up on it here.

What we found was magnificent, such a brilliant, huge, and focused place of power. I don't know how far is stretched, but it seemed to go on beyond sight; a cavern, brimming with magical energy that caused the stones there pure infusion, and levitation. It was like a pool of raw magic, I speculate it may have been a leyline. Were it not for the dangers, I would seek to return many times, the Chaos was so excited - I was so excited! How much can be found, learned, done there? Grand fragments of smooth, bone-like stone spun circles, floating, around lines of raw magic; the place was overwhelming, yet stabilizing. Like bathing in a lake of energy itself, it was so exciting and grand, I had to stop the Chaos from overflowing with such mirth.

[blot]

But we were not alone. They came from even deeper, I realize, the thorns of the Growth. And their damned minions [blot] Growth taken wolves, those strange thrashing things, husks; [a few blots]

The Chaos is flaring just thinking about them. Those disgusting, repulsive brambleous wretches. [blot]

We were attacked. For a time we held our own, it is [spot] a bit of a blur. Vines tried to trip us, catch us, at first we were together and then we were apart [blot] Sphae helped me free once, but she got far too tangled in the thorns, and [blot] a husk was charging for her. She told me to move, and while I didn't want to, I knew it would be useless not to listen. I left a second self to defend and distract, while I placed myself along the other side [blot] Thorns, I wonder now if I may have been able to teleport her from those vines, if I could have [blot] prevented it all. [a few more spots]

But that did not happen. 

Though the husk never reached her. It destroyed my second self by picking him up and crushing him, smashing him into the ground and water beneath, but that stopped its charge. I hurled Chaos at the thing, screamed at it, tried to distract it from Sphae getting herself free. My other selves were all holding off more minions further away, through the path we had run; we'd, mostly Sphae, had managed to fell a wolf, and some phantasms were herding and picking off the rest of what had come after us. Not that we wanted to head into the cavern deeper, we were right near our exit [blot]

But just as Sphae freed herself, one of those repulsive, spitting thrashing things came from Winds know where.. and [blot] it spit acid all over her.

[a large blot]

It was horrifying, infuriating, and [blot] something I would not let stand. She screamed, she couldn't seem to move, and I knew I had to reach her. I had to reach her, but I had to be rid of these disgusting things first. They would not live for that.

I was so furious. Perhaps it was a poor decision to look back on, but I didn't care at all then, and [blot] I created a vortex. A one way portal to the In-Between, which draws in anything too close, and if unchecked, will only grow to consume more and more. They are terribly unstable Rifts, like punching holes in the fabric of reality to let whatever realm they touch suck in all it can from this one. [spot] But those wretches deserved the most twisted of fates, and the In-Between was sure to be most merciless.

The husk was the first to go. Then that disgusting, thrashing thing [blot] I had called another phantasm to it, which distracted it for a while, until it whirled back at Sphae. With what seemed like a great effort, she protected herself with a barrier, the thing thudding into the protective stones, and bouncing closer to the Rift. With a blast of chaotic energy, it was hurled through, and the warped, distorting and twisting sound of its dying gurgles was never more satisfying.

[blot]

I.. was finally able to help Sphae then and [blot] I do not think I will forget what I saw. I helped her to the water, to try and wash some of the acid away but it had [blot] covered her head and had melted through with... such severity. Her once wonderful bloom was entirely [blot] unrecognizable as -[streak, blot] and her face [a few spots] I tried not to let it show just how horrified I was for her. She could barely move, and seemed to be in so much pain.. But [blot] I wasn't about to let things stay that way. There was no time to bring her anywhere, I don't think she would have [blot] And yet she still tried to speak to me with a playfulness to her voice. Sphae, my friend, [a streak and a few blots] I was not about to let you down.

We came to Bend the Rules, and by all that is, isn't, and what's between, those Rules would be Bent. I[spot] did something that I don't often do, and.. in fact often try to avoid, at least like this. But it was all I could give that would really help in the short moments that counted.

I gave her the Chaos I had.

It is a transference of energy that connects as many others as specified to myself, and gives them the Chaos in me. I had to call it first, though, call a lot of it, so it would be enough for us both. It took a few moments to parse out the threads that regenerate, that cause rapid growth and healing, but [blot] the Chaos is not like other magics that heal. It changes, warps the thing it affects, it will twist it into something different than it was, and is [blot] This is why I avoid it. It will work, it will heal, and it will save someone quickly, but for the price of being something.. different afterwards.

But this was.. I had to or I don't think she would have lived. [blot]

I told her to think of all the grand moments during her life as to ground her, but I do not think she listened. Still, as I held her close to me and drew the sigil of Inspiration on her forehead, it became clear to her, I'm sure, if she wished to see those things. They are a stable place, a place that seems to work with the Chaos if focused on to not be so [blot] jarring. It often will, as the sigil implies, Inspire the one who focuses to be of greater strength, to recover well, and to not be swept away by the power they are about to feel. [blot] But of course she did not listen~

I wonder if she thought that I was merely going to leave her there by those words. I certainly hope not, she would have been terribly wrong.

When the sigil was prepared, and the Chaos was giving me the power of re-growth, I activated it quickly, before the Chaos changed its mind, to share all the energy I could reach with her. It [blot] worked.I held her hand and kept close all the while, and, knowing better, I told her not to move. I am sure she'd feel like she wanted to, if she felt what I did..~

What had been melted away began to quickly regrow.. different, of course, but it would save her. And I don't regret any of it. It returned in twisted vines and tendrils, swirling around each other in spirals, and glowing then with power. Her face grew less raw, and other small growths occurred too, but nothing so notable. I tried to focus on guiding the energy to the right places, it caused me some growth too, though I tried to filter it through me to her before much of that happened. And I did not let her go. I couldn't.

I [blot] am not sure if she expected that I would save her. Though I really don't know what else she was expecting from me~ When she had regrown all of what was lost, I shifted the energy and carried her from that place. Well, after closing the vortex. She was floating with the Chaos at times, I could tell, but still, she jested with me. By it, she seemed much better, I was glad that she didn't try to stand and walk off, but it sounded certainly like she wanted to move..~

We got ourselves out of the cave, and into the storm, where.. we had to return. I [blot] am not sure she realized until then how different what grew where her bloom had been was. I [spot] was afraid she'd be mortified by it, that I twisted her without her Choice; she had asked a few times how bad she looked, and I never really [blot] told her how it had been. I think she looks grand now, so much better than what could have come of it, she healed so well and is so very strong. I did not know how she would feel about it though, it was [blot] so different.

All I ever seem to do is twist things when my power is involved. [blot] But I do not regret it, even if she[spot] ends up thinking of it as monstrous.

When we went back, my ferns grew a bit damaged and battered in the storm. And we also had to pass the Growth, which [blot] she would be able to feel the Chaos' panic then. I tried to make it quick, I know how unpleasant that is. Neither of these things are all that relevant beyond that we spoke of them then, once we had gotten to the Oasis so she might rest. I held her with a tendril on her arm, to make sure the link would not be broken, and she would continue to feel strong and recover more quickly; she would not run out of energy to do so with the Chaos there.

[blot] We spoke some then. Well, we had been speaking nearly the entire time, she thought I might throw her as a projectile, if I had to, and I would be her shield through the storms to be even~ She asked me if this is how I feel all the time, with the Chaos. And.. I really do wonder what it feels like to her. She said it was only anxiousness, but then when I mentioned it speaking, she asked about the whispers, like she could hear them too~ I tried to show her, more clearly, to see if she could understand what they said. I called it, and it came to me, she said she understood that there was an exchange, but I do not think she knew what it was saying. Of course, it was saying an infinite amount of things, though most mere suggestions of a small action to carry out, something that it could help with, because it is always eager to do so, to show itself in the world.. and to bring itself closer. We made a small distortion, and it was pleased. Sphae seemed to think it was interesting, though still, the anxiousness she felt was likely preventing her from rest. [blot]

I.. apologized then, for the warping. But she did not seem to think I was at all in fault. She did not wish me to feel punished, and I told her I didn't regret it at all, I.. wouldn't leave her there, and I would [blot] Well, I said it differently, but I would Bend the Rules for her, and none could say otherwise. We made a trade then. She would keep the vines as long as she could tolerate them, and I, as my ferns were damaged, would try to grow something of her choosing. 'Short and feathery' she said, that it may be easier with the storms. She [blot] mentioned too that my glow was quite lovely, and [spot] to try and retain it, should I change myself. I agreed and [blot] well, I have managed it! Sort of. It is much more curly and odd than.. intended, and somewhat fuzzy and flop about easily, which Winds know will be the end of me, but I suppose it turned out much better than it could have. She seemed to like it when she woke next.

I have and am staying with her as long as she will let me. The Chaos gives her more strength than I know she'd be allowed to if I let her go, and I don't mind at all, as surprised as she seems by my staying~There is nowhere else I would care to be right now, with her as she is; I do not wish to leave her. And if there is anything I can do for her, by the Winds, I am going to do it. 

[spot] She's really out right now~ I may or may not have prodded at her a few times, lightly of course, but[blot] Well it was much better than awaking with the damned tendrils coiled around her! That happened! It was a mistake for me to rest, but she didn't seem to notice until I was trying to move them, thorns. How they misbehave, though it apparently was [blot] not uncomfortable, and I am glad I woke first, how dreadfully embarrassing.

She even walked a bit earlier today, but it was a bit much, so she is resting by me while I write here, and[blot] well, I figure I have quite some time~ Which is good! She needs a lot of rest to recover, though I am confident she will be well soon enough. I [blot] I am just so glad she is still here. 

[blot]

I wonder if she'll notice if I place a pebble pattern on her~

[blot]

Oh! I forgot to mention, I have obtained a number of intriguing stones from the cavern. They attuned themselves to me without effort, floating behind me before long as I carried a pile of them, and once I had let them go, they remained floating behind me and by the tendrils, even during that whole [blot] endeavor. I still have them! As well as some I picked up and placed away for Lafey, as.. well, they are quite fascinating and may be what she needs. I think these may do much better than gems would, and well, I am looking forward to experimenting with them. It seems the ones that are attuned to me already effortlessly channel the Chaos in me, much like my staff would, though [blot] they have this.. grounding feeling to them too, like I have a brace against the In-Between's pull. I will write more of them later, but placing these tiny stones on Sphae reminded me~

33, Scion, 1327

Much continues to occur quickly, and it's been a number of suns since I could write. So there will be a grand amount of recollection in the next few pages.

I was correct in my musings that I would be their main link to much outside of the Wastes. Donari requested that I go to his residence in the Reach and speak with his sister about getting his medicine. The notes prior are all I really had to go on for that, which [blot] I suppose proved to be enough. Though I still am unsure what was meant by needing a 'card'. Human rituals of greeting and speech are so strange.

As are their intricacies with names. Donari's sister wished to be called 'Dame di Bette', which, only the last part sounded familiar, and wasn't what either Donari nor Zaree spoke of her as. I do not believe I have ever met a human with so many names. If she grew lost, and one did not know each of her names, would she be gone forever? It seems particularly dangerous to have so many, unless she wished to be missing.[spot] I also believe the man at the door feared me. He seemed rather nervous, though spoke nothing of it. Of course, I cannot say I necessarily look that pleasant. I wasn't there to ask questions of worried humans anyway, so let him think as he will~

Dame di Bette was.. kind enough, though odd. She did not have anyone attack me, which wouldn't have.. really surprised me, but it was grand that she didn't. Humans often seem very easy to offend. The home, while quite grand, reminded me much of the sort of grandness that Lafey's grandmother's home had. The many people running about, their odd, carefully kept expressions, everyone trying far too hard to keep their backs straight and strut themselves about like long-legged birds, only to become quickly scurrying mice under the right voice or call. [blot] It is all so strange, and I don't understand it. Do they enjoy such a dance? Are large homes simply the places to go to in order to partake in those rituals? [spot]There wasn't any.. odd feeling of.. [blot] magical off-ness, however, so at the very least, this home was a bit more comfortable.

She claimed I was 'one of his', being Donari's. Which was wrong. And I still wonder why she would claim such a thing. She seemed, also, to tell me many ways in which I 'should' or 'shouldn't'. Which I only really did or didn't if I felt like it. I wonder if she is one of the humans that creates so many of their strange rules for them, as it seems like something she would be quite grand at doing, or at least enjoy.

I did not speak of where he was, nor why. The tendrils sought to misbehave, but at least they were misbehaving in good taste, having found interest in some books before.. other things. [spot] It seems Dame di Bette has a particular interest in the more intimate of reading subjects. As well as having trained with seraph that were lost at Fort Salma.

Though, she was also still using waypoints. Which I felt was a rather terrible idea, yet, her choice, I suppose. There was to be a party of some sort, though with the aim to have those who move and shake prepare better. [blot]

Eventually, she gave me Donari's medicine, along with some extra. She told me to tell him to be glad Mother wasn't in the hall when I arrived. I also mentioned that I would take any letters for him from her if need be, and gave her some extra crystals I had. [a few spots] And finally, told me to take care of him.

I said I would. I don't know why I said I would, but I did. [a few blots] It is so difficult to imagine taking care of anyone who I hardly Know. And I know even less how to take care of sick or injured humans, beyond what they might tell me. But [spot] I don't know, I'll try.

--

I wished to be somewhere that would bring me some ease and a memory of welcome, so afterwards I went to Lafey's home, the one I still have a key for. I did not expect to find the grand surprise I did, butLafey was actually there; I'd thought she had abandoned that place. We spoke some, I told her of what had happened, and she told me of what she had done as well. She asked me an interesting question, but one I could not answer. [blot]

What would I wish for if I could have anything I could not obtain, yet in exchange must pay my own, equal price? As such, something grand would have a grand price, and something small a much smaller cost. However, being able to have such a wish, a single one, how could it not be something of weight? It seems far too much a waste to squander such a chance, and yet [blot] to answer so quickly, I could not do it. I feel I disappointed her, being unable to be so quick of thought. It was not that I knew nothing, but that I could not sift through everything; there is so much I wish for, and so much I have to lose. And so many questions I had without answers. [blot]

I nearly took a leap into the Chaos for it, but we did not.

[a few more spots] Is that something that comes so simply to others? Would they merely be able to leap so quickly, do they know their consequences so well, that I am this far behind? [a few more spots] Or would they not think at all, just jump and deal with it all later? I simply [blot]

There are many things I wish, and many things I will do near anything to prevent. I would not want a clever Mischief to sit upon such a wish, and by working with the Chaos, I feel that is exactly what would occur. I could wish for something to retain memory while the price may be to lose more of what I remember now. I could wish for the Knowledge to enter the Mists when I End, and have that End take place immediately thereafter. I could wish to be separated from the Dream entirely, only to have it wipe me from existence itself. I could wish for indefinite Choice, but then be placed outside of this Reality, or become [blot] something else. Even more than I already [spot]

Or I could wish for something for another, and my price would be that I lose that thing myself. Or find they are lost to me. I [blot]

There is so much to consider, and knowing the Chaos, knowing how the In-Between itself tempts and draws with it's infinince, yet wishes to bring in and take [blot] It was too difficult.

So I was a disappointment. While she will think whatever she will of me, I only hope she doesn't take it in offense. I would very much like to answer, if only to show that I can, that I do not fear paying a price for something I wish, for that is exactly how it seems the Rules are ; a respect for such a cycle is something I will never lose. It is fair. But this Wish may not favor me. Even the Chaos, which does, is not always kind or wise to listen to, and at times it demands that I listen anyway. I do not mind, it is how the Chaos is. It is [blot] would I forgive myself, if I lost the very things that I mean to keep close in my own impatience? I don't know if I would. So [spot] I would need to think longer, to find the thing that, it would not matter what I lost from it, that I would wish beyond all else, while not being so grand to ensure I would lose it by my own wishing.

Perhaps I will keep it until a desperation. There is no doubt that, in time, such a case would occur. Andin a desperation, sometimes even the smallest of needs can make the biggest difference.

--

I stayed with Lafey some, and that was grand. I [blot] there is always a brightness I feel when she allows or wishes me to stay with her. It is like a rare gift, like the sun shining down in brilliant clear rays through the clouds in only the spot where I stand, and I simply want to relish in its warmth for all it is, as long as I can, before it fades. Though of course the sun and the clouds won't stay that way, and neither would she or I.

Later, I was heading out the next sun when [blot]

Well, the previous notes explain somewhat. I found Abrecan and brought him back. That is when we saw was written there, he was doing terribly poor; he barely recognized me when I approached him. It was quite worrying, and I've not the slightest idea why he had let himself get to such a state so I led him to Lafey's home where we took care of him. [blot] He was extremely thirsty, or maybe just norn thirsty. I don't remember how many pots of water I filled for him. But through everything, after he took his medicine, he seemed to be alright. It [spot] took effect very quickly.

I still don't know quite if it is a curse or not, though it was certainly quite strange. I looked through the In-Between and [spot] I saw two spans of energy, they seemed to be connected to each other, but I couldn't tell what they were. They also seemed to be in some sort of balance; one would almost.. feed from the other. At first one of them was quite large, but as the pill was taken (I assume the pill was connected) the smaller one grew and overtook the larger one. Both were still present, but [blot] it was an odd thing to see. I wonder how, or if, they are connected.

[a few spots] It was afterwards, though, that I made my mistake. I am simply full of disappointments and problematic choices lately. Abrecan asked what I meant earlier when I had mentioned it would be difficult to reach the Motley. He had been heading that way, apparently, and wanted to find it. And I [blot] told him.

I spoke both too much and too little, with bias, and it was a shameful thing to do. Abrecan got upset, and ran out to find them in the Wastes, nearly breaking Lafey's door. It was my mistake. I should have used more vaguer, less bias, more words to encourage his healing first, but.. [blot] I did not and it was my fault. Lafey was upset with me. I was surprised and worried, and [blot] well, I felt if I didn't tell him he would have found out anyway and been even more upset I hadn't. He likely would have thrown me, which.. well, I would be fine, but I worry about the tendrils, and how he might throw me. But we had spoken of it! He was the one I talked to, and he was the one who went to tell the others to move the ship, I [blot]

It was still foolish. Lafey admonished me. All I have been being to her is [spot] disappointing. It has been so hard to think clear lately with [blot] Prosperity, and then being attacked and thrown from the Motley, all of them being stranded in the desert with half of them injured and tethered, and I, who have little idea howto fix all this mess, being [blot] responsible for their lives. I feel as though I hold far too many slippery things that can be broken, and they threaten to shake and fall from my arms at any moment, unknown to me in how they behave, so I.. am just dropping parts of myself to hold them easier, precariously walking in a way I would never normally move, and it distracts. Makes me.. less.

I didn't expect her to forgive me for such foolishness, for being less of myself, it should have been obvious. Since when do I ever say too much? But [blot] somehow she did. She did and she wished me well with safety, and gave me a kiss. I love her so much; how she cares for me is hard to fathom sometimes, especially when I am so painfully wrong, but I hold all she tells me, and believe her. She still reminds me of all I forget I am. But I do not think I am enough for this, and I think I may need her help again soon if she would have it. [spot]

I followed Abrecan and caught up with him heading to the Wastes then, and it was [spot] something. I warned Sphae of it. I did some experimental.. attempt to get him through the portal, because by the Winds, I did not want to cross Prosperity and the entire desert again. That is exactly why I made the damned thing. It [blot] worked, but barely. Not something that will occur again, portal nearly rejected the pseudo-foci, which would have likely meant only accepting mine; either Abrecan and I would have emerged from the portal in some twisted mass of mulch, sap, and flesh, or [blot] he would not have come out. It worked though, the first and last time.

He came, he yelled, I gave Donari his medicine and they all sat about and.. continued to exist. Sphae came by as well, and [blot] I don't think either of us were really.. I don't know. That.. enthused about watching over them. I was simply glad none of them had died yet, and [spot] I suppose soon enough we will try to find the ship.

Of more interesting note, Sphae mentioned something about an interesting discovery that Meiddi had been alerted of.. a location, something of interest, but what and where wasn't clear. Something the two of us can investigate. As dark as it was and has been coming out here, that is something I think I would enjoy much more. It is why I came in the first place, my own Choice, and not the effect of another's poor decision. I am looking forward to whatever we might find where we explore, to do what we set out to: gain knowledge. Soon enough I should start preparing, but I felt keeping these memories was of importance. So here they are, and here they end.