19 Scion, 1327 (Again)

I met with Lafey~

As always, it was grand to see her again. Every time I am with her, I wish only to remain, though [blot] I know I cannot. Especially now.

She wished me to come in disguise. And I did~ I arrived as I would be if I were a human, though it took her some time to recognize me, even then~ I suppose that means it was a good disguise. We [blot] met where last the three of us gathered; her, Phooka and I. Yet again, it was a good meeting~

I wonder if I could play the part of a human if I tried. I don't know how long I would be able to keep up their strange way of speaking~ Though I imagine they find my own speech rather odd as well, but that is, I suppose, what is so grand about it from the start~

[a few more spots]

Anyway, we spoke of many things. I told her about the card ceremony, and asked her help with Abrecan. She was quite excited about both, and it's grand that she wishes to help me~ I've found that, while it is interesting to be one of the few with magical knowledge, it is also [spot] difficult. I am still very much learning myself about much of this, and having no one else to ask for other opinions on matters of magic can be both useful and frustrating. Certainly, I do not have all the answers, and of the vast existence that is magic, I only have a tiny knowledge of an infinite subject. Yet the continuous flurries and storms of their seeking knowledge from me does not seem to cease, especially when there is something at hand; so I only hope I am not a disappointment with my own feet stuck in the Unknown. [a few blots]

Though there are other times when I cannot believe that some particular knowledge is not comprehended. [a few blots] Though that is a bit of a diverging branch. I will, though, certainly look forward to her future assistance with this. I have always loved experimenting with Lafey at my side, as I love her, and I know that she will always provide something further than I ever could to the endeavor alone~ I must be certain to give her the knowledge from Abrecan that he said he would write for me when I receive it.

When speaking of her endeavors, however, even my disguise was not enough. Instead, she took me to this grand, hidden place, through metal pipes to a small grove of gears~ I wonder if she had ever taken Phooka here, because it made me think of him as well. But it was an intriguing area, I am quite glad that she showed me~ I certainly am not the only one who has grand places to show, despite her words~

We climbed a little and spoke a lot. She told me of something that had happened, how Ren had gotten hurt on a job he was doing with her. She spoke as though it was her fault, despite saying it was something from the In-Between that hurt him. Apparently he was unable to see for a time.. the injury being physical, and not so much something taking his sight back with it. Despite that though, I had recently received a letter written by him, messily, but it was his, so at the very least [blot] I know he is recovering. [a few more spots] I hope he is alright. I hope they both are, though it seems [streak, spot] Well, she doesn't know how well his recovery will be. All I can really do now is hope for the best for him, as I must leave soon. Androsace said that everyone was fine, and I will trust her.

Lafey mentioned that those at the mansion did not take it very well at all, and [blot] I suppose it is understandable to be worried, but I believe recovery is much more important than being continuously upset. She said Will would not look at her, Androsace was disappointed, and Nenia was.. quiet. If one learns from something that may have been error, that is what matters, and that is where it should stay. If it was out of anyone's control, than it was just that. [a few spots] I don't know. I am not upset with anyone, I just wish them both to be alright. She mentioned that Ren is getting assistance from someone in the manor that she never met [blot] and I suppose, if it helps him, then that is grand.

She also spoke of other matters as well. Apparently she is staying with one named Neily, whom she looked over some items for. The Neily is apparently not an employer nor a friend or partner. And with this Neily and that troublesome doctor, it sounds as though they will be going to Priory camps to look for something. Though what, exactly, beyond knowledge is uncertain. That same doctor is a bit of a strange hypocrite it seems too, wishing to learn blood magic while he does not like necromancy, and [spots]asking for Lafey to teach him. Considering what little I know of him, I don't imagine that he is asking for any good reason, quite possibly a feign of interest for some other gain by having her learn what he will teach in return. Or perhaps.. I don't know, there are endless possibilities we went through, though it seems terribly odd to wish to learn something you despise, unless to counter it. What Lafey will get in return sounds, as she put it, rare and old. She seems excited to know what it is, as I would be, though the whole [blot] situation seems rather strange, and has her nervous.

At some point during that, she flopped herself all over me and said that she may run off with me if things become too troublesome~ [a few spots] I find myself laughing, as both of these things I found quite agreeable, sans the trouble~ Is it terrible of me to wish things to become that troublesome for such an outcome~? I'd just really like seeing her more often, and her flopping all over me more often, and any 'troublesome's only being interesting ones that lack that dismal decay that lots of trouble seems to have around us. There is so much more intriguing trouble to get into than the sorts that tear away at us.

She said she wanted to get into it too, to experiment~ I will send her word as soon as I know [blot] more of what is happening. I told her of the stone, though.. not in its entirety. Perhaps she could help with that as well~ I need to remember to seek out gems or stones for her in the Wastes.

And lastly, I.. I told her of what I learned from Sphae. Of .. what happened with the cowl, and of what Sphae said came Before. [spot] I showed her the Note as well. Lafey thought it was troublesome. I agreed.[a few more spots] She asked if I knew Sphae Before. And. Well, I hadn't really thought about that since I met Sphae, I mean. At first I wondered, something familiar was there, but it didn't seem like it wasenough. If that makes any sense at all. Perhaps I saw her Before? Perhaps [blot] I saw someone like her Before? I don't know. But I still.. haven't asked. I don't know if I actually want to ask. [blot] Because then..

I mean, what if she is someone I knew Then? Wouldn't it be strange then to ask about such things? I don't know if I want to know, but [spot] it seems like it would be a terrible thing to be so forgotten. How could I [a few spots] I don't know, it seems terrible. Terrible to ask, and then not to want to know. It would be like saying 'I don't want the parts that I lost of you in my life' and what if I thought those things were once grand? What if they were really important? I just can't do it, not like that anyway.

[a few spots] 

I don't think I will chase it. Not right now. That is also what I told Lafey. Despite not wishing to do much about it, I did wish her to know what was happening. I.. trust her with my Secrets, and wish her to really Know me. She made me think more about it, and.. I am glad I brought it up, because I am more confident in not needing to chase it right now. I do not want to lose what I have. I don't know how I've been 'compromised', but however it is, what if it hurts those around me? What if the knowledge I chase was something I didn't want to have? And end up not wanting again? [blot] But Lafey doesn't think that will necessarily happen, but still.. can understand how I feel about it. Perhaps I will chase it sometime. But right now, there are much more important things to worry about than what is already gone.

I am very pleased I got to speak with her, and that she cares so much for my Secrets. That she even thinks to give me some of hers as well! I can feel myself glowing again; it really does feel like I am in a soothing sunlight when I am with her. I hope, despite whatever worry and trouble she may cross, that I may be able to bring even a glimpse of that to her too, sometimes.

Also remember that an agreement was made: one to not have an untimely death~ Both of us are to keep it, so I do not doubt we will hold our Choices and meet again. And that time, I will not be so.. humany.