33, Scion, 1327

Much continues to occur quickly, and it's been a number of suns since I could write. So there will be a grand amount of recollection in the next few pages.

I was correct in my musings that I would be their main link to much outside of the Wastes. Donari requested that I go to his residence in the Reach and speak with his sister about getting his medicine. The notes prior are all I really had to go on for that, which [blot] I suppose proved to be enough. Though I still am unsure what was meant by needing a 'card'. Human rituals of greeting and speech are so strange.

As are their intricacies with names. Donari's sister wished to be called 'Dame di Bette', which, only the last part sounded familiar, and wasn't what either Donari nor Zaree spoke of her as. I do not believe I have ever met a human with so many names. If she grew lost, and one did not know each of her names, would she be gone forever? It seems particularly dangerous to have so many, unless she wished to be missing.[spot] I also believe the man at the door feared me. He seemed rather nervous, though spoke nothing of it. Of course, I cannot say I necessarily look that pleasant. I wasn't there to ask questions of worried humans anyway, so let him think as he will~

Dame di Bette was.. kind enough, though odd. She did not have anyone attack me, which wouldn't have.. really surprised me, but it was grand that she didn't. Humans often seem very easy to offend. The home, while quite grand, reminded me much of the sort of grandness that Lafey's grandmother's home had. The many people running about, their odd, carefully kept expressions, everyone trying far too hard to keep their backs straight and strut themselves about like long-legged birds, only to become quickly scurrying mice under the right voice or call. [blot] It is all so strange, and I don't understand it. Do they enjoy such a dance? Are large homes simply the places to go to in order to partake in those rituals? [spot]There wasn't any.. odd feeling of.. [blot] magical off-ness, however, so at the very least, this home was a bit more comfortable.

She claimed I was 'one of his', being Donari's. Which was wrong. And I still wonder why she would claim such a thing. She seemed, also, to tell me many ways in which I 'should' or 'shouldn't'. Which I only really did or didn't if I felt like it. I wonder if she is one of the humans that creates so many of their strange rules for them, as it seems like something she would be quite grand at doing, or at least enjoy.

I did not speak of where he was, nor why. The tendrils sought to misbehave, but at least they were misbehaving in good taste, having found interest in some books before.. other things. [spot] It seems Dame di Bette has a particular interest in the more intimate of reading subjects. As well as having trained with seraph that were lost at Fort Salma.

Though, she was also still using waypoints. Which I felt was a rather terrible idea, yet, her choice, I suppose. There was to be a party of some sort, though with the aim to have those who move and shake prepare better. [blot]

Eventually, she gave me Donari's medicine, along with some extra. She told me to tell him to be glad Mother wasn't in the hall when I arrived. I also mentioned that I would take any letters for him from her if need be, and gave her some extra crystals I had. [a few spots] And finally, told me to take care of him.

I said I would. I don't know why I said I would, but I did. [a few blots] It is so difficult to imagine taking care of anyone who I hardly Know. And I know even less how to take care of sick or injured humans, beyond what they might tell me. But [spot] I don't know, I'll try.

--

I wished to be somewhere that would bring me some ease and a memory of welcome, so afterwards I went to Lafey's home, the one I still have a key for. I did not expect to find the grand surprise I did, butLafey was actually there; I'd thought she had abandoned that place. We spoke some, I told her of what had happened, and she told me of what she had done as well. She asked me an interesting question, but one I could not answer. [blot]

What would I wish for if I could have anything I could not obtain, yet in exchange must pay my own, equal price? As such, something grand would have a grand price, and something small a much smaller cost. However, being able to have such a wish, a single one, how could it not be something of weight? It seems far too much a waste to squander such a chance, and yet [blot] to answer so quickly, I could not do it. I feel I disappointed her, being unable to be so quick of thought. It was not that I knew nothing, but that I could not sift through everything; there is so much I wish for, and so much I have to lose. And so many questions I had without answers. [blot]

I nearly took a leap into the Chaos for it, but we did not.

[a few more spots] Is that something that comes so simply to others? Would they merely be able to leap so quickly, do they know their consequences so well, that I am this far behind? [a few more spots] Or would they not think at all, just jump and deal with it all later? I simply [blot]

There are many things I wish, and many things I will do near anything to prevent. I would not want a clever Mischief to sit upon such a wish, and by working with the Chaos, I feel that is exactly what would occur. I could wish for something to retain memory while the price may be to lose more of what I remember now. I could wish for the Knowledge to enter the Mists when I End, and have that End take place immediately thereafter. I could wish to be separated from the Dream entirely, only to have it wipe me from existence itself. I could wish for indefinite Choice, but then be placed outside of this Reality, or become [blot] something else. Even more than I already [spot]

Or I could wish for something for another, and my price would be that I lose that thing myself. Or find they are lost to me. I [blot]

There is so much to consider, and knowing the Chaos, knowing how the In-Between itself tempts and draws with it's infinince, yet wishes to bring in and take [blot] It was too difficult.

So I was a disappointment. While she will think whatever she will of me, I only hope she doesn't take it in offense. I would very much like to answer, if only to show that I can, that I do not fear paying a price for something I wish, for that is exactly how it seems the Rules are ; a respect for such a cycle is something I will never lose. It is fair. But this Wish may not favor me. Even the Chaos, which does, is not always kind or wise to listen to, and at times it demands that I listen anyway. I do not mind, it is how the Chaos is. It is [blot] would I forgive myself, if I lost the very things that I mean to keep close in my own impatience? I don't know if I would. So [spot] I would need to think longer, to find the thing that, it would not matter what I lost from it, that I would wish beyond all else, while not being so grand to ensure I would lose it by my own wishing.

Perhaps I will keep it until a desperation. There is no doubt that, in time, such a case would occur. Andin a desperation, sometimes even the smallest of needs can make the biggest difference.

--

I stayed with Lafey some, and that was grand. I [blot] there is always a brightness I feel when she allows or wishes me to stay with her. It is like a rare gift, like the sun shining down in brilliant clear rays through the clouds in only the spot where I stand, and I simply want to relish in its warmth for all it is, as long as I can, before it fades. Though of course the sun and the clouds won't stay that way, and neither would she or I.

Later, I was heading out the next sun when [blot]

Well, the previous notes explain somewhat. I found Abrecan and brought him back. That is when we saw was written there, he was doing terribly poor; he barely recognized me when I approached him. It was quite worrying, and I've not the slightest idea why he had let himself get to such a state so I led him to Lafey's home where we took care of him. [blot] He was extremely thirsty, or maybe just norn thirsty. I don't remember how many pots of water I filled for him. But through everything, after he took his medicine, he seemed to be alright. It [spot] took effect very quickly.

I still don't know quite if it is a curse or not, though it was certainly quite strange. I looked through the In-Between and [spot] I saw two spans of energy, they seemed to be connected to each other, but I couldn't tell what they were. They also seemed to be in some sort of balance; one would almost.. feed from the other. At first one of them was quite large, but as the pill was taken (I assume the pill was connected) the smaller one grew and overtook the larger one. Both were still present, but [blot] it was an odd thing to see. I wonder how, or if, they are connected.

[a few spots] It was afterwards, though, that I made my mistake. I am simply full of disappointments and problematic choices lately. Abrecan asked what I meant earlier when I had mentioned it would be difficult to reach the Motley. He had been heading that way, apparently, and wanted to find it. And I [blot] told him.

I spoke both too much and too little, with bias, and it was a shameful thing to do. Abrecan got upset, and ran out to find them in the Wastes, nearly breaking Lafey's door. It was my mistake. I should have used more vaguer, less bias, more words to encourage his healing first, but.. [blot] I did not and it was my fault. Lafey was upset with me. I was surprised and worried, and [blot] well, I felt if I didn't tell him he would have found out anyway and been even more upset I hadn't. He likely would have thrown me, which.. well, I would be fine, but I worry about the tendrils, and how he might throw me. But we had spoken of it! He was the one I talked to, and he was the one who went to tell the others to move the ship, I [blot]

It was still foolish. Lafey admonished me. All I have been being to her is [spot] disappointing. It has been so hard to think clear lately with [blot] Prosperity, and then being attacked and thrown from the Motley, all of them being stranded in the desert with half of them injured and tethered, and I, who have little idea howto fix all this mess, being [blot] responsible for their lives. I feel as though I hold far too many slippery things that can be broken, and they threaten to shake and fall from my arms at any moment, unknown to me in how they behave, so I.. am just dropping parts of myself to hold them easier, precariously walking in a way I would never normally move, and it distracts. Makes me.. less.

I didn't expect her to forgive me for such foolishness, for being less of myself, it should have been obvious. Since when do I ever say too much? But [blot] somehow she did. She did and she wished me well with safety, and gave me a kiss. I love her so much; how she cares for me is hard to fathom sometimes, especially when I am so painfully wrong, but I hold all she tells me, and believe her. She still reminds me of all I forget I am. But I do not think I am enough for this, and I think I may need her help again soon if she would have it. [spot]

I followed Abrecan and caught up with him heading to the Wastes then, and it was [spot] something. I warned Sphae of it. I did some experimental.. attempt to get him through the portal, because by the Winds, I did not want to cross Prosperity and the entire desert again. That is exactly why I made the damned thing. It [blot] worked, but barely. Not something that will occur again, portal nearly rejected the pseudo-foci, which would have likely meant only accepting mine; either Abrecan and I would have emerged from the portal in some twisted mass of mulch, sap, and flesh, or [blot] he would not have come out. It worked though, the first and last time.

He came, he yelled, I gave Donari his medicine and they all sat about and.. continued to exist. Sphae came by as well, and [blot] I don't think either of us were really.. I don't know. That.. enthused about watching over them. I was simply glad none of them had died yet, and [spot] I suppose soon enough we will try to find the ship.

Of more interesting note, Sphae mentioned something about an interesting discovery that Meiddi had been alerted of.. a location, something of interest, but what and where wasn't clear. Something the two of us can investigate. As dark as it was and has been coming out here, that is something I think I would enjoy much more. It is why I came in the first place, my own Choice, and not the effect of another's poor decision. I am looking forward to whatever we might find where we explore, to do what we set out to: gain knowledge. Soon enough I should start preparing, but I felt keeping these memories was of importance. So here they are, and here they end.