[The writing is somewhat messy until a point.]
76, Zephyr, 1327
Everything hurts but it doesn't hurt as much as some other things, so I am going to try and write anyway. It was worse earlier. I think my dates may have been wrong on other entries, so I'll [blot] go fix them sometime, but for now [streak spot]
[The writing has improved a little bit in the below paragraphs.]
I had to stop writing, but I think I am... in a better state than before. I still don't feel that well, but not so bad as then. Maybe it hurt more to fall than I thought, though it didn't really bother me at the time...
[blot]
We had a meeting. Phooka said something about maybe celebrating, so I chose my colors in a more elaborate way, and it seems everyone had a similar idea and all looked very grand in their own choices. The collages changed to Wardens and Scholars, and Nenia and Lafey were- well, Nenia was picked, and Lafey was sort of opted to help Will and Kaiya. I don't know if Lafey wanted to though. She seemed like she didn't, but then spoke words like she did. I.. I believed her words, but I want to ask her [streak blot]
I actually am worried about her. I was prior too, but.. The sun before, I was just pleased, because I had been working on the books I wanted to give her and Phooka, and no one noticed; I was able to keep the surprise and work in secret, and I was almost done! I finished later, but- I was just excited, and felt the Chaos, and since she didn't stay long, but seemed happy to get something from Syr, I[blot] But now I am worried. Especially from what I heard.
A lot of things happened last sun, and I don't know if I remember everything. It started to get strange after a while. But there was supposed to be a beverage dinner, and we went and it was nice, but then there were experiments, and a sylvari fell off a balcony, and Will thought I was going to fall off those barrels, even though I have good balance, but- That's a diverging branch. We went to different taverns, they called it crawling but it wasn't actually crawling. Tal got stuck getting too close to my back. We had a lot of beverage dinners. I don't know how the experiment went. Lafey said I was handsome. And at some point we wanted to go swimming, so we did. Well, some of us. All of the humans except Lafey chose not to swim. I- [blot] I remember now that they.. don't like being uncovered, or seeing anyone else uncovered, but somehow I forgot about it then. It just didn't make sense to stay covered, and Syr said we weren't supposed to have clothes!
I thought everyone wasn't supposed to have clothes. Maybe Syr didn't really know either. I hope they weren't too offended. Maybe I will ask Ren later in a letter.
It was nice in the hotspring though, they all really liked my markings and colors. I was surprised; it.. it is not something I show much, but it was grand to know that they like how I look when I am just myself. It seemed like Lafey was enjoying herself too, everyone looked nice as just themselves, and it was warm and fun to swim. She didn't like me helping her not to sink, but I'll remember that for later, to ask her first. Eventually though, she and Phooka got out, and I was going to follow, but- well, Tal saw my back and started asking questions. [blot]
Apparently he has something like my back all over him, or at least on his hands.But he hides it with illusions, and [spot] thought I was strong for not hiding. I only tried once to hide it, and it didn't.. go as intended, really, but I couldn't try again afterwards. It felt too.. too wrong. I hope what happened to him was not [blot] as terrible as- [streak, spot]
I don't think I deserve to be able to hide it anyway. Maybe it knows that and that's why it didn't let me. I can choose what I say, but what happened will never go away. It will always be there, as much as others won't be there, and -[blot] I won't ever be able to forget. Even if I can't remember myself, it can't be undone and I..[blot] I made a choice. It is part of me now. I learned and it won't happen again.
It made me feel a little better then, that Tal thought I was strong, and not repulsive, but.. I know he doesn't know. I don't know if I really.. should've felt any better, like maybe I shouldn't have forgotten about how the others might feel with me being uncovered. I don't even know if it's strong, really. I could only tell him what I thought myself, when he said he was too weak to let his own twisting be seen, and that was that he was strong to still be here. Regardless of what I have done, or what he may have gone through, I still... think that we are strong to still be here. [spot]
Phooka called me over in the middle of that, and said that Ren was singing. I liked it quite a bit, I don't get to hear him sing very much. I like most of what he is able to do, even though he says he is in the dark, he has a lot of light himself and can bring many grand things to shine just by being him. I stayed away though because I remembered late that they might not want me over there. Lafey was over there with the others, and I heard Will saying things about.. how it's going to get worse, and she should stay laying down. I wanted to know she was alright, but I wasn't thinking well, and still... bothered about my back. Phooka was whispering to me about going somewhere else. I told him I didn't want to drag him from the others, but he said he didn't mind, they would be alright. Though Lafey could come too if she wanted. I agreed to that, and he said he would be right back, so I think he went to ask her. I would've gone too, but I said they might not like me over there right now, so he went by himself.
He came back without Lafey though- now that I think about it, I don't remember if he asked her at all. Of course, I don't remember a lot of things either, it all seems kind of blurry in places. Maybe she wanted to stay and rest. I still want to take her to those special places, I.. I may ask her about that too, hopefully when I am feeling less terrible.
I hope she is not feeling as bad as I, that.. is one of my bigger concerns. I'm not sure when, or if we ever said 'stupid things', but - [blot] Maybe we did and I forgot. I just hope it's not as terrible as what Will was saying.
If it is, or even if not, I want to give her the book soon. I know that might not make it any better, but it might be nice to get one of her favorite things. I'll get her other things too, if she wants them, like strawberries, and lavender smells. It might not make the feeling go away, but it might make it a little bit easier to get through.
[spot]
Then there was where Phooka and I went. ... I don't even know where we went! We just kind of ran into the snow and climbed up things, and found a Jotun wall. We talked some, I- [blot] He wanted to know me more. I.. I also want him to know me more, to know him more, but.. I told him about how I feel about Dreamers and Secrets. That there may be things I can't say, or won't say for a while, and [spot] I don't know. For some reason it was easier to tell Phooka than it was to tell Syr. I just.. I didn't want Phooka to make a choice that wasn't his own. He.. [blot] He seemed very understanding, and told me not to worry, that he would make his own choices for himself. That made me feel a bit better too.
I.. do hope that.. [blot] I will be able to tell him some of my Secrets someday. He - I still cannot believe this, I am making sounds just considering it, but. We were kissing and he slipped and fell off the high wall we were on, and holding onto me, brought me down with him. We got kind of stuck in the snow, but he said I didn't squish him, so at least there was that. Moving was difficult for a while. I actually had to bring us both through a Bend to get us unstuck! But.. Neither of us really minded being stuck in the first place. It was.. I mean it was worrying, but comfortable to be that close. [blot] I feel myself glowing considering. I wonder though if I knocked my head or something then, and that's part of why it hurts so much - I hope Phooka is well too. Anyway, he - [blot]
He touched my back. It was.. I- [spot] It was really strange to have someone touch it, even that lightly. Especially that lightly. It was startling, but it also felt kind of nice. I don't.. think anyone other than myself has really touched my back itself, and not just the tendrils since the menders did, many seasons ago when[blot]. But he wanted.. me to tell him about it. And the tendrils. I.. I said it was a Secret then, but I realize.. it's.. it's actually not. At least I don't think so. There were.. some that.. [blot, small spots] It just means that I can tell him, and it will be ok.I'd just.. I'd rather he not tell everyone, but [spot] well, it is probably already somewhere in the Dream anyway.
[blot]
I need to stop writing and make myself get up.
76, Zephyr, 1327
Everything hurts but it doesn't hurt as much as some other things, so I am going to try and write anyway. It was worse earlier. I think my dates may have been wrong on other entries, so I'll [blot] go fix them sometime, but for now [streak spot]
[The writing has improved a little bit in the below paragraphs.]
I had to stop writing, but I think I am... in a better state than before. I still don't feel that well, but not so bad as then. Maybe it hurt more to fall than I thought, though it didn't really bother me at the time...
[blot]
We had a meeting. Phooka said something about maybe celebrating, so I chose my colors in a more elaborate way, and it seems everyone had a similar idea and all looked very grand in their own choices. The collages changed to Wardens and Scholars, and Nenia and Lafey were- well, Nenia was picked, and Lafey was sort of opted to help Will and Kaiya. I don't know if Lafey wanted to though. She seemed like she didn't, but then spoke words like she did. I.. I believed her words, but I want to ask her [streak blot]
I actually am worried about her. I was prior too, but.. The sun before, I was just pleased, because I had been working on the books I wanted to give her and Phooka, and no one noticed; I was able to keep the surprise and work in secret, and I was almost done! I finished later, but- I was just excited, and felt the Chaos, and since she didn't stay long, but seemed happy to get something from Syr, I[blot] But now I am worried. Especially from what I heard.
A lot of things happened last sun, and I don't know if I remember everything. It started to get strange after a while. But there was supposed to be a beverage dinner, and we went and it was nice, but then there were experiments, and a sylvari fell off a balcony, and Will thought I was going to fall off those barrels, even though I have good balance, but- That's a diverging branch. We went to different taverns, they called it crawling but it wasn't actually crawling. Tal got stuck getting too close to my back. We had a lot of beverage dinners. I don't know how the experiment went. Lafey said I was handsome. And at some point we wanted to go swimming, so we did. Well, some of us. All of the humans except Lafey chose not to swim. I- [blot] I remember now that they.. don't like being uncovered, or seeing anyone else uncovered, but somehow I forgot about it then. It just didn't make sense to stay covered, and Syr said we weren't supposed to have clothes!
I thought everyone wasn't supposed to have clothes. Maybe Syr didn't really know either. I hope they weren't too offended. Maybe I will ask Ren later in a letter.
It was nice in the hotspring though, they all really liked my markings and colors. I was surprised; it.. it is not something I show much, but it was grand to know that they like how I look when I am just myself. It seemed like Lafey was enjoying herself too, everyone looked nice as just themselves, and it was warm and fun to swim. She didn't like me helping her not to sink, but I'll remember that for later, to ask her first. Eventually though, she and Phooka got out, and I was going to follow, but- well, Tal saw my back and started asking questions. [blot]
Apparently he has something like my back all over him, or at least on his hands.But he hides it with illusions, and [spot] thought I was strong for not hiding. I only tried once to hide it, and it didn't.. go as intended, really, but I couldn't try again afterwards. It felt too.. too wrong. I hope what happened to him was not [blot] as terrible as- [streak, spot]
I don't think I deserve to be able to hide it anyway. Maybe it knows that and that's why it didn't let me. I can choose what I say, but what happened will never go away. It will always be there, as much as others won't be there, and -[blot] I won't ever be able to forget. Even if I can't remember myself, it can't be undone and I..[blot] I made a choice. It is part of me now. I learned and it won't happen again.
It made me feel a little better then, that Tal thought I was strong, and not repulsive, but.. I know he doesn't know. I don't know if I really.. should've felt any better, like maybe I shouldn't have forgotten about how the others might feel with me being uncovered. I don't even know if it's strong, really. I could only tell him what I thought myself, when he said he was too weak to let his own twisting be seen, and that was that he was strong to still be here. Regardless of what I have done, or what he may have gone through, I still... think that we are strong to still be here. [spot]
Phooka called me over in the middle of that, and said that Ren was singing. I liked it quite a bit, I don't get to hear him sing very much. I like most of what he is able to do, even though he says he is in the dark, he has a lot of light himself and can bring many grand things to shine just by being him. I stayed away though because I remembered late that they might not want me over there. Lafey was over there with the others, and I heard Will saying things about.. how it's going to get worse, and she should stay laying down. I wanted to know she was alright, but I wasn't thinking well, and still... bothered about my back. Phooka was whispering to me about going somewhere else. I told him I didn't want to drag him from the others, but he said he didn't mind, they would be alright. Though Lafey could come too if she wanted. I agreed to that, and he said he would be right back, so I think he went to ask her. I would've gone too, but I said they might not like me over there right now, so he went by himself.
He came back without Lafey though- now that I think about it, I don't remember if he asked her at all. Of course, I don't remember a lot of things either, it all seems kind of blurry in places. Maybe she wanted to stay and rest. I still want to take her to those special places, I.. I may ask her about that too, hopefully when I am feeling less terrible.
I hope she is not feeling as bad as I, that.. is one of my bigger concerns. I'm not sure when, or if we ever said 'stupid things', but - [blot] Maybe we did and I forgot. I just hope it's not as terrible as what Will was saying.
If it is, or even if not, I want to give her the book soon. I know that might not make it any better, but it might be nice to get one of her favorite things. I'll get her other things too, if she wants them, like strawberries, and lavender smells. It might not make the feeling go away, but it might make it a little bit easier to get through.
[spot]
Then there was where Phooka and I went. ... I don't even know where we went! We just kind of ran into the snow and climbed up things, and found a Jotun wall. We talked some, I- [blot] He wanted to know me more. I.. I also want him to know me more, to know him more, but.. I told him about how I feel about Dreamers and Secrets. That there may be things I can't say, or won't say for a while, and [spot] I don't know. For some reason it was easier to tell Phooka than it was to tell Syr. I just.. I didn't want Phooka to make a choice that wasn't his own. He.. [blot] He seemed very understanding, and told me not to worry, that he would make his own choices for himself. That made me feel a bit better too.
I.. do hope that.. [blot] I will be able to tell him some of my Secrets someday. He - I still cannot believe this, I am making sounds just considering it, but. We were kissing and he slipped and fell off the high wall we were on, and holding onto me, brought me down with him. We got kind of stuck in the snow, but he said I didn't squish him, so at least there was that. Moving was difficult for a while. I actually had to bring us both through a Bend to get us unstuck! But.. Neither of us really minded being stuck in the first place. It was.. I mean it was worrying, but comfortable to be that close. [blot] I feel myself glowing considering. I wonder though if I knocked my head or something then, and that's part of why it hurts so much - I hope Phooka is well too. Anyway, he - [blot]
He touched my back. It was.. I- [spot] It was really strange to have someone touch it, even that lightly. Especially that lightly. It was startling, but it also felt kind of nice. I don't.. think anyone other than myself has really touched my back itself, and not just the tendrils since the menders did, many seasons ago when[blot]. But he wanted.. me to tell him about it. And the tendrils. I.. I said it was a Secret then, but I realize.. it's.. it's actually not. At least I don't think so. There were.. some that.. [blot, small spots] It just means that I can tell him, and it will be ok.I'd just.. I'd rather he not tell everyone, but [spot] well, it is probably already somewhere in the Dream anyway.
[blot]
I need to stop writing and make myself get up.
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