90, Zephyr, 1327
I spoke with Syr.
It.. I was looking for Phooka, and I didn't actually want to speak with Syr, really, not about that subject but I did. It seems that I was mistaken. When he referred to a star, he was actually speaking of Tal, and [blot] did not feel that strongly about me. However, he.. still loves me. He [spot] is still very confusing.
He's very kind, and he loves so much, I think it hurts him that he hasn't found another to be as close as he would like to be yet. It is not that he wants it with me, it is that he wants it with anyone, everyone, I think, who might be close enough to him. Yet, at the same time, he [blot] says something about how even that may not be, because he feels so strongly for Tal?
I don't know. It is strange. I.. I am not like him, so it is hard for me to understand. I just.. I would really like him to be able to love as freely as he wishes. It's.. I feel I am terrible for not being able to.. be closer with him. But I don't think I can. And.. it's him insofar as it is what he chose, but it is moreso myself for what I have chosen, and what I wish to live by. I [blot] I am willing to give so much to stay away from the Dream, to be a part of it as little as I can be. I knew that there is no way to erase me from it, because others have memories of me that will return there, but[blot] I will keep my memories, my Secrets, away from the Dream. They will never go there. And I will make sure of it however I can.
[spot]
So I cannot be close to him. Not.. like that. I cannot share with him what is closest to myself, he will never be able to know me so fully, only a bit. It.. I try to..[spot] I've tried to keep further from him because of this, because if I get too close, I.. I think it will just be more painful for us both when I pull away. But I cannot help but care for him, he is so kind, he has taught me many things without knowing it, he.. I wish him to find the one, or more, who will let him in.
He.. is not the only one who cannot be close to me. I wish he knew how grand he was, I wish he saw that, even though he has met some who did not return his love, they are not all. But I.. [blot] I barely know love. It is so new to me, I [spot]
I wanted to help him somehow, but it was very difficult. And even though there was a small weight lifted when I learned.. I was mistaken, it wasn't all that much. [a few ink drops]
I stayed with him though. He was afraid he was losing everyone, and I tried to tell him otherwise, but I can only speak for myself and what others have said to me and stayed with him. I.. I have no idea if I helped him much. I don't think I am as wise as he thinks I am, I don't.. I just say things that seem to be so. Or that look so to me. It doesn't mean they are. I can always be mistaken, and many times I am.
There's not much more I can do for him than to be there, I think. Hopefully that is enough, but.. I don't think, to him, it will be.
[blot]
I hope he can find what he seeks.
I spoke with Syr.
It.. I was looking for Phooka, and I didn't actually want to speak with Syr, really, not about that subject but I did. It seems that I was mistaken. When he referred to a star, he was actually speaking of Tal, and [blot] did not feel that strongly about me. However, he.. still loves me. He [spot] is still very confusing.
He's very kind, and he loves so much, I think it hurts him that he hasn't found another to be as close as he would like to be yet. It is not that he wants it with me, it is that he wants it with anyone, everyone, I think, who might be close enough to him. Yet, at the same time, he [blot] says something about how even that may not be, because he feels so strongly for Tal?
I don't know. It is strange. I.. I am not like him, so it is hard for me to understand. I just.. I would really like him to be able to love as freely as he wishes. It's.. I feel I am terrible for not being able to.. be closer with him. But I don't think I can. And.. it's him insofar as it is what he chose, but it is moreso myself for what I have chosen, and what I wish to live by. I [blot] I am willing to give so much to stay away from the Dream, to be a part of it as little as I can be. I knew that there is no way to erase me from it, because others have memories of me that will return there, but[blot] I will keep my memories, my Secrets, away from the Dream. They will never go there. And I will make sure of it however I can.
[spot]
So I cannot be close to him. Not.. like that. I cannot share with him what is closest to myself, he will never be able to know me so fully, only a bit. It.. I try to..[spot] I've tried to keep further from him because of this, because if I get too close, I.. I think it will just be more painful for us both when I pull away. But I cannot help but care for him, he is so kind, he has taught me many things without knowing it, he.. I wish him to find the one, or more, who will let him in.
He.. is not the only one who cannot be close to me. I wish he knew how grand he was, I wish he saw that, even though he has met some who did not return his love, they are not all. But I.. [blot] I barely know love. It is so new to me, I [spot]
I wanted to help him somehow, but it was very difficult. And even though there was a small weight lifted when I learned.. I was mistaken, it wasn't all that much. [a few ink drops]
I stayed with him though. He was afraid he was losing everyone, and I tried to tell him otherwise, but I can only speak for myself and what others have said to me and stayed with him. I.. I have no idea if I helped him much. I don't think I am as wise as he thinks I am, I don't.. I just say things that seem to be so. Or that look so to me. It doesn't mean they are. I can always be mistaken, and many times I am.
There's not much more I can do for him than to be there, I think. Hopefully that is enough, but.. I don't think, to him, it will be.
[blot]
I hope he can find what he seeks.
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