47,Zephyr, 1327
[there is a large ink blot here]
Am I wrong? Is it wrong to be wary? Is it wrong to be uncertain, to not trust myself, my Secrets, what I care for to those who I barely know? Who have made mistakes to nearly bring them great harm? I don't understand. I do, and I do not. I don't like to rely on others. I know it will be necessary [blot] and needed to have solid roots, but..
I have been alone for so long, it all seems ridiculous. Perhaps it's my fault. Perhaps they are all able to trust much easier than I. But at times I... I just feel deceived. I can't know more than what they tell me. And then they hold things back that must be known, or they say one thing, and do another, without doing what they first said. Do they make the conscious choice? I feel like they do, and it's hard for me to trust one that does that. I [blot] I don't know them enough to know what rises them to bloom each sun. I don't know them enough to understand what is a mistake to them, and what is the Choice that shows who they are. I have always felt all Choices show who you are. And this is why I find it so hard. None of them.. have said they wouldn't do the same again to me.
[blot]
Since Syrlya arrived, he has given the impression that he is beyond capable. He[blot] grows taller than me in magic, in knowledge, in finding his words, in recollection. He seemed better in all ways. I.. [blot] admittedly did not think, from the standpoint of doing anything of use, that I would even have a place, with him there. And.. it was ok. I was beginning to understand that. Yet, regardless, things he has said have bothered me on multiple occasions. He holds tightly on the Chaos, and does not let it run free. He [blot] does not think much of the Silence either, does not think it is a matter of ones' Choice, but a matter of 'strength and reason' to keep themselves from it. I do not care for this view. But those are his choices and that does not change his abilities.
I relied on him to do as he said, when leaving me to protect those I care for. I was not.. terribly confident in myself, that I could keep my focus on their being unseen for long. Nevermind, trying something I had never done, while under stealth, to try and find where he had gone-
If.. I had slipped.. [blot]
But I didn't. We ended up fine. I.. held my focus, despite my pain and anger until we were back, but it split my vision, and brought such a searing Chaos to my mind when I let it go. [spot] Perhaps a lot of my anger was in part from my pain. Now, I just.. I feel bothered and confused. I don't know how simply to trust. I feel like one must be known, or at least one must have the illusion that they know, before one can really trust, but perhaps that is just me.
I tried to trust then, and.. now I am left with this. At least it's clear that I still have a place, that I can grow that which others cannot.
[ink blot]
I feel the only way is to know them better, find out who they are, but I feel a tumbling pit in my stomach when I consider approaching them. I.. I do not even know what to say. I don't feel any of it is any better than it was. It's hard for me to even know if they think it was something not to do again. None of them have spoken to me. Perhaps they will. Perhaps they won't. I.. I do not know what to say, so until I do, I suppose there will be silence. [spot]
---
But I should.. record the real memory.
What actually happened, was we were to go to the feif to find Phooka's notes and journals. We did, but everything was overturned and a whirlwind scatter when we arrived (we being Lafey, Nenia, myself, and Syrlya). We searched the place, but found that notes on the toxin.. as well as our roster of names had been taken. Then we heard gunshots outside, and saw a group of mercenaries and bandits running about looking for someone. Apparently, they were after the human, Ara, who looks very much like Kaiya, though doesn't seem to know her, despite having the same second name. I wonder if all humans look alike if they have the same second name.
Syrlya told us that he would go out and see what was happening, under stealth, then come right back. So we waited, preparing a small potential assault and barricade at the stairs should anyone come back who was not Syrlya, but he did not return. Eventually, it had been long enough. Lafey and I gathered what notes and books we could from the scattered mess, and I had placed us all beneath Mass Invisibility to escape. We looked for Syrlya, but could not find him anywhere. I.. then tried to see if I could trace his magic.
I don't know if I did it correctly at all, I.. was just guessing on how. I tried to look through the In-Between, asking if the Chaos would guide me to what felt like Syrlya's energy. There was one place where I saw the Chaos had been tightly restricted, restrained and bent. Knowing his control, I thought it was him. I then saw, from there, faint creases in the Chaos leading northward. It was.. hard to keep track of, they were not as clear as the tightly restricted spot, and overlaying the In-Between in a half-cohesive secondary plane over 'reality' was... quite.. difficult and strange. I got turned around a number of times, as directions did not match, and I could barely look both places at once. Though, from what restriction I felt, I was able, somehow, to guide us to him.
He was far from the feif, down and across a river, some ways away. He was with the human, Ara, by some rocks, and trying to calm her down. We watched invisible for a while- I strained to keep it up, and nearly dropped it several times in both fatigue and aggravation, but managed to catch myself when it seemed like a slow opportunity arose for us to become visible. The comms were speaking, but it was hard to hear them, and I had to keep focus.
Eventually, we were able to appear, though we had to come in as though we had walked. When I dropped the invisibility, I felt both relieved, but also more disoriented, and upset. I.. I chose to focus on the upset; I didn't know what was happening, we could still be in danger, so I had to keep my focus somewhere other than... how seeing was now difficult, and on how much my head hurt trying to readjust. Still, I spoke to the comm then when I was able. I tried to say we were safe for now, so anyone worrying would stop. It.. apparently was not soon enough, I will remember next time.
We learned the human Ara was being chased, and it sounded like those who attacked Ren were after her as well. She said she was thrown in a cage at Divinity, but managed to get away, and doesn't know anything else. Will had come by then, and we got her somewhere safer to speak with her. They... took quite a long while, I.. I just wanted to get back. [blot]
We did. We had a talk about how there were mistakes. Perhaps some will be trained. I.. I just needed to rest for a little.
And Ren... told me to trust them. [blot] We will see.
I found the blankets, and I am enjoying them very much. They werethe one go a good thing that happened. Ren also gave me a hug, that was another good thing that happened. And, of course, that we are all alive. I suppose we did retrieve some of the notes we went after, and we saved that human. I don't know how to regard others, but things still turned out.
I suppose it just means I have more to learn.
[there is a large ink blot here]
Am I wrong? Is it wrong to be wary? Is it wrong to be uncertain, to not trust myself, my Secrets, what I care for to those who I barely know? Who have made mistakes to nearly bring them great harm? I don't understand. I do, and I do not. I don't like to rely on others. I know it will be necessary [blot] and needed to have solid roots, but..
I have been alone for so long, it all seems ridiculous. Perhaps it's my fault. Perhaps they are all able to trust much easier than I. But at times I... I just feel deceived. I can't know more than what they tell me. And then they hold things back that must be known, or they say one thing, and do another, without doing what they first said. Do they make the conscious choice? I feel like they do, and it's hard for me to trust one that does that. I [blot] I don't know them enough to know what rises them to bloom each sun. I don't know them enough to understand what is a mistake to them, and what is the Choice that shows who they are. I have always felt all Choices show who you are. And this is why I find it so hard. None of them.. have said they wouldn't do the same again to me.
[blot]
Since Syrlya arrived, he has given the impression that he is beyond capable. He[blot] grows taller than me in magic, in knowledge, in finding his words, in recollection. He seemed better in all ways. I.. [blot] admittedly did not think, from the standpoint of doing anything of use, that I would even have a place, with him there. And.. it was ok. I was beginning to understand that. Yet, regardless, things he has said have bothered me on multiple occasions. He holds tightly on the Chaos, and does not let it run free. He [blot] does not think much of the Silence either, does not think it is a matter of ones' Choice, but a matter of 'strength and reason' to keep themselves from it. I do not care for this view. But those are his choices and that does not change his abilities.
I relied on him to do as he said, when leaving me to protect those I care for. I was not.. terribly confident in myself, that I could keep my focus on their being unseen for long. Nevermind, trying something I had never done, while under stealth, to try and find where he had gone-
If.. I had slipped.. [blot]
But I didn't. We ended up fine. I.. held my focus, despite my pain and anger until we were back, but it split my vision, and brought such a searing Chaos to my mind when I let it go. [spot] Perhaps a lot of my anger was in part from my pain. Now, I just.. I feel bothered and confused. I don't know how simply to trust. I feel like one must be known, or at least one must have the illusion that they know, before one can really trust, but perhaps that is just me.
I tried to trust then, and.. now I am left with this. At least it's clear that I still have a place, that I can grow that which others cannot.
[ink blot]
I feel the only way is to know them better, find out who they are, but I feel a tumbling pit in my stomach when I consider approaching them. I.. I do not even know what to say. I don't feel any of it is any better than it was. It's hard for me to even know if they think it was something not to do again. None of them have spoken to me. Perhaps they will. Perhaps they won't. I.. I do not know what to say, so until I do, I suppose there will be silence. [spot]
---
But I should.. record the real memory.
What actually happened, was we were to go to the feif to find Phooka's notes and journals. We did, but everything was overturned and a whirlwind scatter when we arrived (we being Lafey, Nenia, myself, and Syrlya). We searched the place, but found that notes on the toxin.. as well as our roster of names had been taken. Then we heard gunshots outside, and saw a group of mercenaries and bandits running about looking for someone. Apparently, they were after the human, Ara, who looks very much like Kaiya, though doesn't seem to know her, despite having the same second name. I wonder if all humans look alike if they have the same second name.
Syrlya told us that he would go out and see what was happening, under stealth, then come right back. So we waited, preparing a small potential assault and barricade at the stairs should anyone come back who was not Syrlya, but he did not return. Eventually, it had been long enough. Lafey and I gathered what notes and books we could from the scattered mess, and I had placed us all beneath Mass Invisibility to escape. We looked for Syrlya, but could not find him anywhere. I.. then tried to see if I could trace his magic.
I don't know if I did it correctly at all, I.. was just guessing on how. I tried to look through the In-Between, asking if the Chaos would guide me to what felt like Syrlya's energy. There was one place where I saw the Chaos had been tightly restricted, restrained and bent. Knowing his control, I thought it was him. I then saw, from there, faint creases in the Chaos leading northward. It was.. hard to keep track of, they were not as clear as the tightly restricted spot, and overlaying the In-Between in a half-cohesive secondary plane over 'reality' was... quite.. difficult and strange. I got turned around a number of times, as directions did not match, and I could barely look both places at once. Though, from what restriction I felt, I was able, somehow, to guide us to him.
He was far from the feif, down and across a river, some ways away. He was with the human, Ara, by some rocks, and trying to calm her down. We watched invisible for a while- I strained to keep it up, and nearly dropped it several times in both fatigue and aggravation, but managed to catch myself when it seemed like a slow opportunity arose for us to become visible. The comms were speaking, but it was hard to hear them, and I had to keep focus.
Eventually, we were able to appear, though we had to come in as though we had walked. When I dropped the invisibility, I felt both relieved, but also more disoriented, and upset. I.. I chose to focus on the upset; I didn't know what was happening, we could still be in danger, so I had to keep my focus somewhere other than... how seeing was now difficult, and on how much my head hurt trying to readjust. Still, I spoke to the comm then when I was able. I tried to say we were safe for now, so anyone worrying would stop. It.. apparently was not soon enough, I will remember next time.
We learned the human Ara was being chased, and it sounded like those who attacked Ren were after her as well. She said she was thrown in a cage at Divinity, but managed to get away, and doesn't know anything else. Will had come by then, and we got her somewhere safer to speak with her. They... took quite a long while, I.. I just wanted to get back. [blot]
We did. We had a talk about how there were mistakes. Perhaps some will be trained. I.. I just needed to rest for a little.
And Ren... told me to trust them. [blot] We will see.
I found the blankets, and I am enjoying them very much. They were
I suppose it just means I have more to learn.
No comments:
Post a Comment