44,Zephyr, 1327
[there is an ink blot like the pen was pressed somewhat in the page]
Even now, I find I am still upset. It is.. It is in itself frustrating. I wish I hadn't gotten so upset. I cannot catch anyone when I am like that- I could still try, but I --[streak spot] I was so full of Chaos. It.. It hasn't been that bad in their presence before, and this is not the time for it. I need to calm it down, but- I never answered, but Syrlya was right. It does react to me. It is a part of me, and we are so close that it will.. grow if I feel- ..[blot] something too much. I... I want to thank Lafey. I know she is here, but I want to thank her so many ways, I feel terrible.
[blot]
Lafey did not need to come to me then. She is scared herself, and I think she only had to make a second self to deal with me, though I could be wrong, I- [blot] I was so upset. I had been upset since they implied the darkness in Phooka was Nightmare. I.. was just so.. angry. That someone did this to him, and now he might lose his Choice even further, that he would be inclined toward suffering and a path he did not choose, I- [spot] And they would not tell me if he knew. And then others would not listen to his choices-[streak]
[the words grow a bit more jagged here]
Why is it that Dreamers seem to squander choices of others so freely? Why is it that they think it is theirs to make for another when they do not know what is happening? They like to think they do, but they don't; they like to think that, for some reason, they are better equipped to handle something than another who they barely know, but they aren't. It is infuriating. I cannot stand it.
I.. I cannot trust Androsace anymore. Even though I could not speak Secrets to her before, I cannot even trust that she will tell me where the ones who matter most to me are now- and for what? What was so dangerous there that I would not have survived? What was the reason that I could not go to see Ren? Why did we wait so long to act, because she thought she had to do something, even when he spoke for himself to let us follow? Why couldn't we just go together?
I am upset I grew so unstable, but I do not regret anything I said. It will stand. And if it happens again, there is no way I am listening to her sour, hypocritical drivel. Worse could have happened the time we waited. And there was no reason for it. None. Especially given what had happened to Phooka, didn't we just learnthat we should be sticking together? And if she, or anyone, tries to prevent me from finding those I care for without any rooted reason - [streak, blot] the same will stand for them as well. Let them destroy what they wish to protect, if they think they're so much better without roots to their thoughts.
[the ink blot here almost looks like the pen dug into the paper a little]
Ren.. should recover as well, I hope. I grew another Healing Seed this sun for him. Nenia is a good human mender, I think it will be fine. Though next time I will not leave him, especially when I am so full of Chaos. He found us such a grand place, despite it all. It is so interesting, I would like to explore it further, but I- well, I needed to make sure I will remember. [blot] I wonder what he wrote in that letter, that was so important to follow, despite his own words? I may ask him. I still.. that he was attacked is still... [blot] I am.. curious about what they found grown on those bodies. I was rather.. 'there but not' through much of that.
I will soon need to see Phooka in a time of tranquility. Even less so than before do I want any other Dreamers around to hear what I have to say. I hope I can reach him before the others try to - [spot] Eugh. They were being such thorns. How difficult is it to respect another's choice? Apparently quite, for some. But I hope that what I have to say might.. help give him a way to quiet the darkness.
[blot]
I think.. I will write to Lafey. I know she is here too, and I could just say what I would like, but.. it is important enough for a memory, if she wants it.
Other things to recall:
* Kaiya's sister was the one who had been taken. Phooka claims he couldn't save her from the shadows... I do not know much about this. He says Kaiya is angry. She.. seemed angry.
* [blot] I can't seem to focus my thoughts anymore to remember more right now.
[there is an ink blot like the pen was pressed somewhat in the page]
Even now, I find I am still upset. It is.. It is in itself frustrating. I wish I hadn't gotten so upset. I cannot catch anyone when I am like that- I could still try, but I --[streak spot] I was so full of Chaos. It.. It hasn't been that bad in their presence before, and this is not the time for it. I need to calm it down, but- I never answered, but Syrlya was right. It does react to me. It is a part of me, and we are so close that it will.. grow if I feel- ..[blot] something too much. I... I want to thank Lafey. I know she is here, but I want to thank her so many ways, I feel terrible.
[blot]
Lafey did not need to come to me then. She is scared herself, and I think she only had to make a second self to deal with me, though I could be wrong, I- [blot] I was so upset. I had been upset since they implied the darkness in Phooka was Nightmare. I.. was just so.. angry. That someone did this to him, and now he might lose his Choice even further, that he would be inclined toward suffering and a path he did not choose, I- [spot] And they would not tell me if he knew. And then others would not listen to his choices-[streak]
[the words grow a bit more jagged here]
Why is it that Dreamers seem to squander choices of others so freely? Why is it that they think it is theirs to make for another when they do not know what is happening? They like to think they do, but they don't; they like to think that, for some reason, they are better equipped to handle something than another who they barely know, but they aren't. It is infuriating. I cannot stand it.
I.. I cannot trust Androsace anymore. Even though I could not speak Secrets to her before, I cannot even trust that she will tell me where the ones who matter most to me are now- and for what? What was so dangerous there that I would not have survived? What was the reason that I could not go to see Ren? Why did we wait so long to act, because she thought she had to do something, even when he spoke for himself to let us follow? Why couldn't we just go together?
I am upset I grew so unstable, but I do not regret anything I said. It will stand. And if it happens again, there is no way I am listening to her sour, hypocritical drivel. Worse could have happened the time we waited. And there was no reason for it. None. Especially given what had happened to Phooka, didn't we just learnthat we should be sticking together? And if she, or anyone, tries to prevent me from finding those I care for without any rooted reason - [streak, blot] the same will stand for them as well. Let them destroy what they wish to protect, if they think they're so much better without roots to their thoughts.
[the ink blot here almost looks like the pen dug into the paper a little]
Ren.. should recover as well, I hope. I grew another Healing Seed this sun for him. Nenia is a good human mender, I think it will be fine. Though next time I will not leave him, especially when I am so full of Chaos. He found us such a grand place, despite it all. It is so interesting, I would like to explore it further, but I- well, I needed to make sure I will remember. [blot] I wonder what he wrote in that letter, that was so important to follow, despite his own words? I may ask him. I still.. that he was attacked is still... [blot] I am.. curious about what they found grown on those bodies. I was rather.. 'there but not' through much of that.
I will soon need to see Phooka in a time of tranquility. Even less so than before do I want any other Dreamers around to hear what I have to say. I hope I can reach him before the others try to - [spot] Eugh. They were being such thorns. How difficult is it to respect another's choice? Apparently quite, for some. But I hope that what I have to say might.. help give him a way to quiet the darkness.
[blot]
I think.. I will write to Lafey. I know she is here too, and I could just say what I would like, but.. it is important enough for a memory, if she wants it.
Other things to recall:
* Kaiya's sister was the one who had been taken. Phooka claims he couldn't save her from the shadows... I do not know much about this. He says Kaiya is angry. She.. seemed angry.
* [blot] I can't seem to focus my thoughts anymore to remember more right now.
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