39,Zephyr, 1327
[ink blot]
I am not quite certain how to begin these memories either.
Several of us had met up for some sword practice; Nenia, Androsace, Will, Syrlya, and myself, at first. Lafey had come to watch. It seemed fine at the beginning. Though I cannot seem to use a sword without magic. I tried a number of times, and it simply did not work well. Each time I swung the blade, it was like.. dipping one's hands in water, and then flinging them while hoping no droplets would come off. It almost didn't make sense, how to keep in the magic, and was very difficult. I am not sure I am meant for that kind of sword wielding. And even further, I am not sure I would want it either. It does not... feel right.
Despite that, Syrlya, who is also a mesmer, spoke with me about it. He.. thought I should contain, control, or negate the chaos, and.. That was.. very troubling to me. He does not know what happened. And he is a Dreamer, so I will not be able to tell him what happened; he too cannot keep Secrets. But I fear that 'negating the chaos' will... not end up well in my favor. I never learned just exactly how it all happened, as to why things ended up the way they did, but I do know that the Chaos is part of me. Perhaps more a part of me than it is for others, and some of its roots can be seen, though I doubt it will be known unless I speak. Part of me lives because of the Chaos. I do not like considering what would happen if I try to change that somehow, to redirect it in strange ways so it is not always flowing through me.
[blot]
I already know something is 'wrong'. At least, something is not as it otherwise would have been. But there is nothing that can be done for it now. It is a part of me, and it will stay a part of me until I am done. Even if I forget, it will remain. Perhaps if I tried enough things, it could be different, but it is something that... I do not need to tamper with in order to keep being myself. I suppose, according to what was said, even the tampering would be 'wrong' anyway.
[ink spot]
I.. wonder if I did have a teacher. I can't remember, if I did. It is strange, I remember much about my magic, have faded views of its use, floating ideas of how it is all put together, and it feels solid to me. But yet.. where did it all come from? Did I seek for myself? Did I see it all in the Chaos? How very strange. This also seems like something I may remember, but.. perhaps any teacher was a Dreamer too. Perhaps I was very influenced, and could not tell myself from them. Perhaps it was something different altogether. Or perhaps they never were, I do not know.
[ink blot]
Regardless, eventually what Syrlya was saying.. made me want to run. I could not answer his questions. He could not keep Secrets, and otherwise, I could not remember, so even half-knowledge wouldn't have worked. I do not need any more shame for what happened, and I do not need any reprimanding for my Choice. It was alright, he said, except for exactly what had happened. [blot]
So I left. It was not a good feeling. I wanted to run, to keep running, to run so far I would not be found.. but.. I also wanted to be found by those few who know me just a little better. I wanted to be somewhere that meant something more than just ... something to me. No one would even have had to speak with me. I could sit in quiet, maybe hardly see them at all, if they wanted. Speak only as the long grass and the leaves do to the wind, their quiet movements echoing only when it passes them by, for but a moment. That would have been good enough for me. But I wanted to be in a place that mattered, because even if the ones it mattered to did not want to speak with me, I would not be alone.
I went from where I had run to search for Lafey.. but I did not find her. I did find Ren and Nenia though, apparently at Nenia's home. They were speaking about important things, and I distracted them a little, but they both offered to let me stay with them, and I did.
I am glad I did. Nenia's home was grand, it smelled of experiments. Ren did not want me near for a while, but Lafey eventually did come to visit, so we sat and spoke with each other. I.. didn't talk much about what had happened, but her speaking with me did help me bloom from wilting. She said that I was charming and striking [blot] I cannot help but feel that sunshine warmth again when I consider, it still brings me a smile. I cannot imagine why other humans do not speak of her radiance as well, it seems very clear to me, and if they cannot know what another feels without speaking it, why is it something they would hide? They are themselves, I suppose, but I find it odd. Though I never really considered myself to be what she told me I was to her. .. It is good to know that we are such things to each other; it will remind us about parts of ourselves we may otherwise have missed.
There is little space left, but more to remember, so I will make them short.
* Beds are grand; how is it that humans so easily leave them when there are so many sheets to curl up in and hide under? They are also bouncey. For some reason there is a limited duration of bouncing on them that is acceptable.
* Ren apparently has an injury as well that needs seeing after. And humans can't grow back limbs, which seems rather frustrating for them. They apparently rot slowly... I hope it is incredibly slow, and not painful, but considering how old some humans are, it seems like it may be slow enough.
* Nenia's mother likes to experiment. She also is interested in sylvari.
* Syrlya may help me sometime with the meditations I have neglected. I was seeking to learn these anyway, so I will study on my own, as well as see how what he says compares, if he is curious in speaking with me about it.
[ink blot]
I am not quite certain how to begin these memories either.
Several of us had met up for some sword practice; Nenia, Androsace, Will, Syrlya, and myself, at first. Lafey had come to watch. It seemed fine at the beginning. Though I cannot seem to use a sword without magic. I tried a number of times, and it simply did not work well. Each time I swung the blade, it was like.. dipping one's hands in water, and then flinging them while hoping no droplets would come off. It almost didn't make sense, how to keep in the magic, and was very difficult. I am not sure I am meant for that kind of sword wielding. And even further, I am not sure I would want it either. It does not... feel right.
Despite that, Syrlya, who is also a mesmer, spoke with me about it. He.. thought I should contain, control, or negate the chaos, and.. That was.. very troubling to me. He does not know what happened. And he is a Dreamer, so I will not be able to tell him what happened; he too cannot keep Secrets. But I fear that 'negating the chaos' will... not end up well in my favor. I never learned just exactly how it all happened, as to why things ended up the way they did, but I do know that the Chaos is part of me. Perhaps more a part of me than it is for others, and some of its roots can be seen, though I doubt it will be known unless I speak. Part of me lives because of the Chaos. I do not like considering what would happen if I try to change that somehow, to redirect it in strange ways so it is not always flowing through me.
[blot]
I already know something is 'wrong'. At least, something is not as it otherwise would have been. But there is nothing that can be done for it now. It is a part of me, and it will stay a part of me until I am done. Even if I forget, it will remain. Perhaps if I tried enough things, it could be different, but it is something that... I do not need to tamper with in order to keep being myself. I suppose, according to what was said, even the tampering would be 'wrong' anyway.
[ink spot]
I.. wonder if I did have a teacher. I can't remember, if I did. It is strange, I remember much about my magic, have faded views of its use, floating ideas of how it is all put together, and it feels solid to me. But yet.. where did it all come from? Did I seek for myself? Did I see it all in the Chaos? How very strange. This also seems like something I may remember, but.. perhaps any teacher was a Dreamer too. Perhaps I was very influenced, and could not tell myself from them. Perhaps it was something different altogether. Or perhaps they never were, I do not know.
[ink blot]
Regardless, eventually what Syrlya was saying.. made me want to run. I could not answer his questions. He could not keep Secrets, and otherwise, I could not remember, so even half-knowledge wouldn't have worked. I do not need any more shame for what happened, and I do not need any reprimanding for my Choice. It was alright, he said, except for exactly what had happened. [blot]
So I left. It was not a good feeling. I wanted to run, to keep running, to run so far I would not be found.. but.. I also wanted to be found by those few who know me just a little better. I wanted to be somewhere that meant something more than just ... something to me. No one would even have had to speak with me. I could sit in quiet, maybe hardly see them at all, if they wanted. Speak only as the long grass and the leaves do to the wind, their quiet movements echoing only when it passes them by, for but a moment. That would have been good enough for me. But I wanted to be in a place that mattered, because even if the ones it mattered to did not want to speak with me, I would not be alone.
I went from where I had run to search for Lafey.. but I did not find her. I did find Ren and Nenia though, apparently at Nenia's home. They were speaking about important things, and I distracted them a little, but they both offered to let me stay with them, and I did.
I am glad I did. Nenia's home was grand, it smelled of experiments. Ren did not want me near for a while, but Lafey eventually did come to visit, so we sat and spoke with each other. I.. didn't talk much about what had happened, but her speaking with me did help me bloom from wilting. She said that I was charming and striking [blot] I cannot help but feel that sunshine warmth again when I consider, it still brings me a smile. I cannot imagine why other humans do not speak of her radiance as well, it seems very clear to me, and if they cannot know what another feels without speaking it, why is it something they would hide? They are themselves, I suppose, but I find it odd. Though I never really considered myself to be what she told me I was to her. .. It is good to know that we are such things to each other; it will remind us about parts of ourselves we may otherwise have missed.
There is little space left, but more to remember, so I will make them short.
* Beds are grand; how is it that humans so easily leave them when there are so many sheets to curl up in and hide under? They are also bouncey. For some reason there is a limited duration of bouncing on them that is acceptable.
* Ren apparently has an injury as well that needs seeing after. And humans can't grow back limbs, which seems rather frustrating for them. They apparently rot slowly... I hope it is incredibly slow, and not painful, but considering how old some humans are, it seems like it may be slow enough.
* Nenia's mother likes to experiment. She also is interested in sylvari.
* Syrlya may help me sometime with the meditations I have neglected. I was seeking to learn these anyway, so I will study on my own, as well as see how what he says compares, if he is curious in speaking with me about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment