[There is a single line scribbled down quickly, before the real entry begins.]
Get Phooka's notebooks and supplies from the fief.
46,Zephyr, 1327
I was able to speak with Phooka last sun. And I am very glad I did. The more he spoke of what bothered him, the more I felt I could understand, and thought that Quieting the burning light, the grasping darkness, and all the voices that crowd his thoughts would put him at more tranquil ease. He.. [blot] He seemed so comforted by my presence. I could not feel what he was feeling, but he did not seem to wish to let me go. I could understand it when he held my hands, and when I looked into his eyes. I didn't want to let him go either, even just for the small walk back, because if my being there could ease some of his turmoil, I wished him to have it.
But despite that, I am hopeful for the future. I was worried, at first, because some Dreamers do not.. take well to the path of Silence. I want him to be certain, I do not want to cause him any further duress or tangled roots. Though it sounds to me as though it will suit him. It is not just the darkness that hounds him, but the light as well. And even the voices of others trouble him. He had said that all he used to consider as welcoming about the Grove was now.. different. It was still beautiful, but.. something had changed. And when we left it, he said he felt better, as I did as well.
He.. says he cannot find himself anymore. And I know that feeling well. It is terrifying, like being pulled in all directions, but not even knowing if your body is going to break, because where are you amidst it all? Are you the voices? Are you all the things you're feeling, or is that even what you're feeling at all? Is the pull in one direction the real you trying to take you back, and which direction is it? [blot] I wish to begin with him soon. I know it is different for everyone, there is no way to predict how it will be for him, other than by what he says. As it will clear away what pulls, it will cast out the burning, blinding light, with the cold suffocating darkness, and it leaves you there to look at them from further away; a place you have never been able to stand before, because they have always surrounded and goaded you. And there, you can make your own choices about which to walk towards, or if it is suitable, stay where you can keep making your choices in tranquil Quiet.
It is something new, and I believe, it allows for one to find a much truer self. He wonders if he will like this different self, but.. I don't think he will be disappointed. It is not so much different, as it is being able to hear ones own thoughts away from all the others, being able to choose without the influential goading, being able to know who you are, and choose where you want to be. I have never wished to return to anything other than those Choices. Perhaps he will feel the same, or perhaps he will not, but at least he will have that choice, and I think it will help him, one way or another.
We will start with the dreams, when we do begin. And I will be there for him as much as I can, whenever he needs it. I hope he has questions. I will need to try and cover how it may feel at first, though that may or may not be the case for him.
[blot]
It is hard to shift my thoughts from him, but there are other memories I wish to keep as well. I spoke some with Ren. At least he now knows how far I will go to find him, and why I will do it. He does not think he will be able to do the same, but it is alright. He does not have to. There are others more important than me to him, and he also has himself. Sometimes it is hard, and I imagine all his objections to what I said may be in place for him... or maybe not. Maybe he just did not want me to be harmed for him. I do not know, but I would not want to leave him, and he knows that.. telling another to keep me back will not work in the least. He is not responsible for me, that is not why I told him. I make my own choices. I.. I just wanted to tell him so he would know. Because otherwise, he never would. [spot]
He is apparently afraid of the Mists. I almost asked why, but.. well, it seems somewhat a logical thing to fear, if it is where they go when they die. [blot] I don't know what is worse, being afraid of the place you will go, or not having a place at all. I.. don't know about the rest of us, I do not know where sylvari go when they die, other than where they lay, and their memories to the Dream. But... I suppose it is just me who will go nowhere. [ink spot] Hopefully I will find another way before then. But if not.. I suppose it will be alright. I will miss everyone, if I even can, in nowhere.
Lafey said something about dying before everyone, and it being inevitable too. I didn't really hear all of what they were saying, but I want to ask her some time. I.. just couldn't find my words then, and it seemed silly to ask a question I couldn't even grow right. I will try to grow it better when I can.
Other things to remember:
- The Knights and the Priory work together; the enemy may know this. Be wary of going there, or interacting with them, as they may be watching.
- It was possible that the arm Ren kept could've been tracked, but it's unlikely the magic is still 'a beacon'. Granted, that one would need to be in relative proximity in order to track it, and it may have been kept far enough from the entrance that it was not possible to be found, but still. Consider the potential for an attack, though really, that was always the case.
- It seems my magic is generally un-trackable, due to its uncontrolled Chaotic nature. Any spell I form is likely to have a hardly distinguishable 'signature', I think, and the Chaos pulsing through me gives no leads.
- Nenia was strong the other sun. Though she is also strong any sun. I was just able to see it clearer.
- There will be a meeting soon, and we will combine information so we all know what is happening.
- We have blankets now! I just need to find them. I will have to search.
Get Phooka's notebooks and supplies from the fief.
46,Zephyr, 1327
I was able to speak with Phooka last sun. And I am very glad I did. The more he spoke of what bothered him, the more I felt I could understand, and thought that Quieting the burning light, the grasping darkness, and all the voices that crowd his thoughts would put him at more tranquil ease. He.. [blot] He seemed so comforted by my presence. I could not feel what he was feeling, but he did not seem to wish to let me go. I could understand it when he held my hands, and when I looked into his eyes. I didn't want to let him go either, even just for the small walk back, because if my being there could ease some of his turmoil, I wished him to have it.
But despite that, I am hopeful for the future. I was worried, at first, because some Dreamers do not.. take well to the path of Silence. I want him to be certain, I do not want to cause him any further duress or tangled roots. Though it sounds to me as though it will suit him. It is not just the darkness that hounds him, but the light as well. And even the voices of others trouble him. He had said that all he used to consider as welcoming about the Grove was now.. different. It was still beautiful, but.. something had changed. And when we left it, he said he felt better, as I did as well.
He.. says he cannot find himself anymore. And I know that feeling well. It is terrifying, like being pulled in all directions, but not even knowing if your body is going to break, because where are you amidst it all? Are you the voices? Are you all the things you're feeling, or is that even what you're feeling at all? Is the pull in one direction the real you trying to take you back, and which direction is it? [blot] I wish to begin with him soon. I know it is different for everyone, there is no way to predict how it will be for him, other than by what he says. As it will clear away what pulls, it will cast out the burning, blinding light, with the cold suffocating darkness, and it leaves you there to look at them from further away; a place you have never been able to stand before, because they have always surrounded and goaded you. And there, you can make your own choices about which to walk towards, or if it is suitable, stay where you can keep making your choices in tranquil Quiet.
It is something new, and I believe, it allows for one to find a much truer self. He wonders if he will like this different self, but.. I don't think he will be disappointed. It is not so much different, as it is being able to hear ones own thoughts away from all the others, being able to choose without the influential goading, being able to know who you are, and choose where you want to be. I have never wished to return to anything other than those Choices. Perhaps he will feel the same, or perhaps he will not, but at least he will have that choice, and I think it will help him, one way or another.
We will start with the dreams, when we do begin. And I will be there for him as much as I can, whenever he needs it. I hope he has questions. I will need to try and cover how it may feel at first, though that may or may not be the case for him.
[blot]
It is hard to shift my thoughts from him, but there are other memories I wish to keep as well. I spoke some with Ren. At least he now knows how far I will go to find him, and why I will do it. He does not think he will be able to do the same, but it is alright. He does not have to. There are others more important than me to him, and he also has himself. Sometimes it is hard, and I imagine all his objections to what I said may be in place for him... or maybe not. Maybe he just did not want me to be harmed for him. I do not know, but I would not want to leave him, and he knows that.. telling another to keep me back will not work in the least. He is not responsible for me, that is not why I told him. I make my own choices. I.. I just wanted to tell him so he would know. Because otherwise, he never would. [spot]
He is apparently afraid of the Mists. I almost asked why, but.. well, it seems somewhat a logical thing to fear, if it is where they go when they die. [blot] I don't know what is worse, being afraid of the place you will go, or not having a place at all. I.. don't know about the rest of us, I do not know where sylvari go when they die, other than where they lay, and their memories to the Dream. But... I suppose it is just me who will go nowhere. [ink spot] Hopefully I will find another way before then. But if not.. I suppose it will be alright. I will miss everyone, if I even can, in nowhere.
Lafey said something about dying before everyone, and it being inevitable too. I didn't really hear all of what they were saying, but I want to ask her some time. I.. just couldn't find my words then, and it seemed silly to ask a question I couldn't even grow right. I will try to grow it better when I can.
Other things to remember:
- The Knights and the Priory work together; the enemy may know this. Be wary of going there, or interacting with them, as they may be watching.
- It was possible that the arm Ren kept could've been tracked, but it's unlikely the magic is still 'a beacon'. Granted, that one would need to be in relative proximity in order to track it, and it may have been kept far enough from the entrance that it was not possible to be found, but still. Consider the potential for an attack, though really, that was always the case.
- It seems my magic is generally un-trackable, due to its uncontrolled Chaotic nature. Any spell I form is likely to have a hardly distinguishable 'signature', I think, and the Chaos pulsing through me gives no leads.
- Nenia was strong the other sun. Though she is also strong any sun. I was just able to see it clearer.
- There will be a meeting soon, and we will combine information so we all know what is happening.
- We have blankets now! I just need to find them. I will have to search.
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