10, Phoenix, 1327
I am still quite frustrated. Perhaps [blot]
It may be wise for me to stop waiting. I.. I will need to get this out somehow, perhaps on my own. [spot]
It just keeps.. growing. This.. anger.
[a few ink drips]
I don't even know if I want to recall what happened the other sun. Syr was frustrating. The ideas presented were frustrating. To assume what occurred did not matter, to assume one knows something they don't about what matters to another, to dispute another's own Choice, to think it is singularly somehow less than the direction of a number. It.. it is infuriating!
The only reason there is direction of a number is by the combined Choices of the 'pieces'. It is still one's own Choice. The means of our 'coming together' in the cave was not one we would have chose, well, other than Syrlya it seems. It was not the way any of the rest of us would have liked to grow, to learn, to be part of his 'coveted whole'. But what we did with what we had within the cave had always been our own Choice. Each singular choice to agree, towards a common direction,because we cared about each other. Because we all wanted to see a thorny end to that mess. Otherwise, we would not have been there doing as we did. One simply has different means to something when with others, more options than usual, but only if those others, as themselves, agree. Of course, that assumes that there is actually something for them to choose to work towards.
This is not the Dream. This is not some [spot] collective goading, where one must follow some path laid before them, lest they feel their soul tearing at itself. It is not an ultimate 'purpose', 'even if you don't want it right now', and it is not the only way to something 'grand' and 'meaningful'.
It is a Choice. And everyone has their own, no matter what one of the 'group' happens to think about it.
[there are a few blots of ink here as though the pen has been tapped on the page]
He also insulted Lafey. He claims he didn't mean it but- [streak, spot] I don't know. It made me quite upset. Of course she has understanding, she is incredibly intelligent, why wouldn't she? How could all that happened be so easily forgotten? He recalls the times that some of us were.. tortured, blind, in pain and suffering... fondly from the cave, but forgets how incredibly upset we grew just recently. How itbrought all that back and showed how another was put through something we never would have wished, because of our misassumed thoughts. How Lafey felt, others felt, beyond that, betrayed. How the one who did all that has been staying there. They have a perfectly good reason to choose not to go to the Quay; it is not misunderstanding, it is not a lack of intelligence, and it is not something to be scorned for the sake of [streak, splot] some loftly collective ideal that does not exist right now.
Nevermind that I know so many have felt they are losing a part of themselves! Is that not reason enough to take a step back, to find it? To listen to ones own Choices, because they are how the self can be seen and heard?
Thorns and bramblous weeds, I am so frustrated.
I know he seeks love, he claims he saw something that isn't there; and perhaps it was there, but sometimes things get in the way of that. Sometimes one must take care of themselves, find where they have lost the path they wanted to make, and return to it. Once they are where they wish to be, perhaps then, in a better state for us all, where we can all make clear Choices, might we choose to follow the same path again. And if we don't, then we are likely better for it.
[blot]
I returned to Lafey, and brought Vathen. We spoke some.. [spot] Well, all of us, I suppose, but I meant Lafey and I. I hope she does not feel tried and frustrated as I do, though.. she very well may. I feel perhaps I.. am more upset than I 'should be', but [blot] it's been harder to keep back.
[ There is a letter carefully folded into the book here. By a slight shift in the writing beneath the letter, it appears that the latter half of the entry was written at a different time than the first half.]
[spot] I suppose this is a small addition but.. It seems, at least Syr is learning. I thought that.. [blot] perhaps I had gotten through to him a little, but I wasn't sure, though this.. seems to confirm it.
I wonder if he still feels he loves everyone so. I mean, it is [blot] I do not believe it is or was unfounded, I suppose, just because I could not understand. I don't believe it was nothing, I think nearly any of us would rise up to protect a number of the others if we knew some harm was to befall them, I don't doubt we could come together as [blot] friends, or a family as Syr said, for something someday. ... Maybe. But even those in a family need time to collect themselves. It is not a circle, of the family is only a family because it fights nothing seen for the family; a family is not its own purpose. Everyone in the family has the things that they each love, that inspire them, that they go and seek and it makes their life something in that seeking. [spot]
I hope that is what he understands.
I also hope he can find the love he seeks .. somewhere. Be it with those we both know, or those only he may know, or perhaps those he's never met yet. He.. really wants such closeness, it makes little sense that I found it first, but [blot] Perhaps one doesn't need to be grasping for it, and it will come.
I am still quite frustrated. Perhaps [blot]
It may be wise for me to stop waiting. I.. I will need to get this out somehow, perhaps on my own. [spot]
It just keeps.. growing. This.. anger.
[a few ink drips]
I don't even know if I want to recall what happened the other sun. Syr was frustrating. The ideas presented were frustrating. To assume what occurred did not matter, to assume one knows something they don't about what matters to another, to dispute another's own Choice, to think it is singularly somehow less than the direction of a number. It.. it is infuriating!
The only reason there is direction of a number is by the combined Choices of the 'pieces'. It is still one's own Choice. The means of our 'coming together' in the cave was not one we would have chose, well, other than Syrlya it seems. It was not the way any of the rest of us would have liked to grow, to learn, to be part of his 'coveted whole'. But what we did with what we had within the cave had always been our own Choice. Each singular choice to agree, towards a common direction,because we cared about each other. Because we all wanted to see a thorny end to that mess. Otherwise, we would not have been there doing as we did. One simply has different means to something when with others, more options than usual, but only if those others, as themselves, agree. Of course, that assumes that there is actually something for them to choose to work towards.
This is not the Dream. This is not some [spot] collective goading, where one must follow some path laid before them, lest they feel their soul tearing at itself. It is not an ultimate 'purpose', 'even if you don't want it right now', and it is not the only way to something 'grand' and 'meaningful'.
It is a Choice. And everyone has their own, no matter what one of the 'group' happens to think about it.
[there are a few blots of ink here as though the pen has been tapped on the page]
He also insulted Lafey. He claims he didn't mean it but- [streak, spot] I don't know. It made me quite upset. Of course she has understanding, she is incredibly intelligent, why wouldn't she? How could all that happened be so easily forgotten? He recalls the times that some of us were.. tortured, blind, in pain and suffering... fondly from the cave, but forgets how incredibly upset we grew just recently. How itbrought all that back and showed how another was put through something we never would have wished, because of our misassumed thoughts. How Lafey felt, others felt, beyond that, betrayed. How the one who did all that has been staying there. They have a perfectly good reason to choose not to go to the Quay; it is not misunderstanding, it is not a lack of intelligence, and it is not something to be scorned for the sake of [streak, splot] some loftly collective ideal that does not exist right now.
Nevermind that I know so many have felt they are losing a part of themselves! Is that not reason enough to take a step back, to find it? To listen to ones own Choices, because they are how the self can be seen and heard?
Thorns and bramblous weeds, I am so frustrated.
I know he seeks love, he claims he saw something that isn't there; and perhaps it was there, but sometimes things get in the way of that. Sometimes one must take care of themselves, find where they have lost the path they wanted to make, and return to it. Once they are where they wish to be, perhaps then, in a better state for us all, where we can all make clear Choices, might we choose to follow the same path again. And if we don't, then we are likely better for it.
[blot]
I returned to Lafey, and brought Vathen. We spoke some.. [spot] Well, all of us, I suppose, but I meant Lafey and I. I hope she does not feel tried and frustrated as I do, though.. she very well may. I feel perhaps I.. am more upset than I 'should be', but [blot] it's been harder to keep back.
[ There is a letter carefully folded into the book here. By a slight shift in the writing beneath the letter, it appears that the latter half of the entry was written at a different time than the first half.]
A Folded Letter:
Dear Xsaia,
I apologize I did not stay to speak to you in person, I hope this letter will do well enough.
But the things that you said last night, that we spoke about.
I lost sight of myself, too, in that cave. I saw only what I wanted to see. I forgot what was really important to me, so I've been trying to fight now for the wrong reasons and I've gone astray.
Which was a terrible disservice to all of you. As well as myself. But I am thinking more clearly now, so that I might do right.
I know I ask much of you, and I am grateful you entertain me even when I am frustrating. Your words and thoughts are something that I slow down to think a little more, and it means more than I can say that I experience this with you. I think I am growing for it, even if I am sometimes very slow for it.
You are you, and that is valuable and wonderful.
Love,
Syrlya
I apologize I did not stay to speak to you in person, I hope this letter will do well enough.
But the things that you said last night, that we spoke about.
I lost sight of myself, too, in that cave. I saw only what I wanted to see. I forgot what was really important to me, so I've been trying to fight now for the wrong reasons and I've gone astray.
Which was a terrible disservice to all of you. As well as myself. But I am thinking more clearly now, so that I might do right.
I know I ask much of you, and I am grateful you entertain me even when I am frustrating. Your words and thoughts are something that I slow down to think a little more, and it means more than I can say that I experience this with you. I think I am growing for it, even if I am sometimes very slow for it.
You are you, and that is valuable and wonderful.
Love,
Syrlya
[spot] I suppose this is a small addition but.. It seems, at least Syr is learning. I thought that.. [blot] perhaps I had gotten through to him a little, but I wasn't sure, though this.. seems to confirm it.
I wonder if he still feels he loves everyone so. I mean, it is [blot] I do not believe it is or was unfounded, I suppose, just because I could not understand. I don't believe it was nothing, I think nearly any of us would rise up to protect a number of the others if we knew some harm was to befall them, I don't doubt we could come together as [blot] friends, or a family as Syr said, for something someday. ... Maybe. But even those in a family need time to collect themselves. It is not a circle, of the family is only a family because it fights nothing seen for the family; a family is not its own purpose. Everyone in the family has the things that they each love, that inspire them, that they go and seek and it makes their life something in that seeking. [spot]
I hope that is what he understands.
I also hope he can find the love he seeks .. somewhere. Be it with those we both know, or those only he may know, or perhaps those he's never met yet. He.. really wants such closeness, it makes little sense that I found it first, but [blot] Perhaps one doesn't need to be grasping for it, and it will come.
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