Owner inside
No Honor
No Past
Peer Fowr

- Writing on Dwarven Chains in the Basement Chest

* Chest
- covered in chains with dwarven writing
- no magic present
- no wards apparent
- hammer broke the lock
- violet velvet inside, with a book and a 'dagger'

* Book
- Made of Dredge skin
- 'leather' bound
- apparently blank pages, smelled like a solution (reminded me of Phooka's lab)
- Phooka might experiment to test if it could reveal writing
- Crest: 2 Hammers crossed over a Mountain shape
- sturdy binding, no wear, but opened many times

* Dagger
- strange
- possibly not a dagger? Reminded me of a large key, though I did not say so.
- sharp enough though

* Puzzle
- Dredge were once slaves of the Dwarves. It is possible this is why the book is made from their skin, and also could relate to what was written on the chains. 'Owner inside' could mean that the owner of the box, or the keyknife, was actually the Dredge who's skin made the book. 'No honor, No past' could mean they were disgraced for some reason. Or perhaps that someone did something to them without honor, and they did not know the past of the dead. Even, perhaps, 'honor' is a way of systemary merit for dwarves? Perhaps because they were dredge, it was simply a way of noting something commonly noted to them, and not knowing much about the dead, just said they had no honor.
- The chains might not be related, but I bet they are. I'll need to write more later, and not standing.


77, Zephyr, 1327 

[blot]

[a couple more spots]

I [spot] I just want to run. But not even the kind of run I do, the kind of run- [blot]

I think.. I think that makes it clear. I am just so entirely overwhelmed. I feel terrible. I wanted to try, to think about it, but I just feel terrible. I am not meant for this much. And.. I think I know what Lafey meant, when she said Phooka and I were too much. I think I know what she meant when she said she wanted to wait. I feel... foolish. Terrible. And I don't know if I have any place I can go that is not my 'own', which... even then. I have nowhere.

[blot]

Am I really just a hidden star in the vast night sky? Am I really just... something to follow until the ones who follow find their brighter light and go? Was I... Was I right? I think humans wish on stars at night. I think they see the lit sky and hope, there are some stars that guide them when they [blot] are lost. But what more do they really do? What more are they than something to point at, to think about, to gaze at from down below with another. To.. find what they seek in their closer company, and then be gone?

It.. describes me so well in ways. Ren saw it. Syr saw it. They spoke nearly the same words, and. I've already faded away for Ren... [blot]

[there are a few blotches here that aren't ink]

I am so upset. I don't know what to do. I.. Syr is so kind. He is so kind and caring and [spot] I want him to find who would be the brightest for him. But I don't think it can ever be me. I know he wants it to be, but I.. I think I am too far away. I [blot] I might even be too far away for Phooka. He doesn't mind and he wants to try, but.. will it.. will I ever be not so far? I upset Lafey too, she.. [spot] she said she doesn't want me to leave, back then. But now.. I don't know. She liked the book made for her, and her riddle- I can't.. help but smile a little bit thinking about that. I knew she would know it. I.. I just..

I want to be able to trust someone. I want.. to be wanted. I want to stay.

But that is something I can't ask for. It's something given in its own time, and never to be expected.

I feel that in my ignorance.. I have just... been so blind. Am I making others feel this way? It is not even that I think Syr is wrong, it is just... I am... [spot]

Sometimes I wish I was terrible. But I know I.. I really don't want that at all. I don't. I just.. I don't think I can handle all this.. attention.

He wanted my trust, but I can only really trust him to be himself. 

[large blot]

I don't think I can deal with any of this right now. I will. I - [spot] As much as I want to run away, I know I don't want to truly leave. I just need.. to step back. To step out for a little while. To leave the currents, because that- that is what it feels like again. This feeling of losing myself somewhere in a turmolt where I do not even know quite who I am or what I'm doing. I will speak to the ones I need to speak to in time, when - [blot] When I don't feel like such a storm is inside me.

But I am learning. It is just.. This kind of learning is very difficult. I feel... such shame at my own ignorance, but at least I am understanding more. I feel terrible for Syr, and for Lafey, and for Phooka. That I can't be the brightest for him, that I am and was so overwhelming for her, that I don't know if I will ever.. be as close as I want to be with him. Even for Ren, that.. thorns, did he have to deal with me being so foolish too? Did they all?

I feel.. I am so terrible. I know they will say I am not, and I know I am trying to learn. I will just.. I will need to get through this, and first, I need to do something away from it all, to let out the Chaos, so I may think my own thoughts again. Then my mind will properly learn what I need to know.