34,Zephyr, 1327
[ There is a large blot of ink here, followed by a couple others before writing starts further down. ]
I am unsure how to begin this memory. I sit and stare at these pages hewn by my hands, and it brings me no further insight as to what it was that happened.
[another ink blot]
I believe I am incredibly disappointed. I am upset, and yet, I am not, because if that is what he chooses, then that is what he is, and there is nothing more to be upset about. I understand what it is to run. Was it naive of me to think that he might not, someday, run from me too? I felt comfortable with the thought, I began to think, perhaps what I thought was entwined to my path is not so inevitable. Perhaps I thought wrong. Perhaps I didn't. I won't know until something changes, if it changes. But that I caused this to arise...
I did try what they told me. Lafey said that there are 'wrong questions', that people do not like to be asked certain things, but how will I ever know what is and is not a wrong question unless I ask the question? Ren said that Lafey speaks of things that do not apply to most people; he said that there are no wrong questions, there is no way to know unless you ask, and if you offend someone, you apologize. I tried this too. I do not think it worked. Lafey was right though, that it seems, I will inevitably offend others.
It is simply [spot] I regret that I managed to find something so offensive that the one I thought grew closest with me might run from me indefinitely. I can be wrong. But I even regret that it was enough to have him run from me at all. I regret even more that it was enough to spur him to run from them, the ones he cares for far more than me, it appears. I am of little consequence. It was something I chose, to be solitary; if he ran far from me but not from them too, I would not mind. It seemed like he really cared for them, and yet..
But I am still very disappointed. In many things. In my own lack of knowledge, perhaps, most of all. But if I had the knowledge to say I knew anything about this, I might be disappointed in him too. I think he runs because he is afraid he will destroy something about the ones he runs from. But it seems that his running destroys just as much, and I am not sure he knows it. Perhaps he does, but he doesn't know what else to do but run. I don't see him ever not running, and there is nothing wrong with it either. I run. It is a way to let out the chaos within. It is wonderful, and I enjoy it, I can think of all I wish to ponder, or nothing but running and what is around me.
But I still hold the question. Why would you call us friend if it is so easily thrown to the wayside? It may be that is not what happened at all. I am no judge on such changes of wind, I do not understand humans, their hiding, their intricate rituals of speech, acceptance, and unburdening of each other. I would have thought he would come back. But the way he grew tense at my presence, the way they all were so upset afterwards. . . I don't know what they mean when they say 'friend', perhaps it is something different altogether. I do not understand, and I think he knows it. He told me to leave it alone.
So I will. At least for now.
I quite like these ruins I have found, and I think I will stay here for a time. I have not explored them much, but everything here is so grand, wide, and full of speckled sunlight and secrets. It is overall tranquil, and I enjoy its exciting emptiness. If I am wanted, I can be found. [spot] Lafey said I was welcome to her home, even after that, and all I had to do was knock. Perhaps I will leave mention of where I may be rooted. The creature will tell me if it wants to be placed somewhere as well. But I think being here will be a calm to the brambles that human discressions have recently been on my mind.
[ There is a large blot of ink here, followed by a couple others before writing starts further down. ]
I am unsure how to begin this memory. I sit and stare at these pages hewn by my hands, and it brings me no further insight as to what it was that happened.
[another ink blot]
I believe I am incredibly disappointed. I am upset, and yet, I am not, because if that is what he chooses, then that is what he is, and there is nothing more to be upset about. I understand what it is to run. Was it naive of me to think that he might not, someday, run from me too? I felt comfortable with the thought, I began to think, perhaps what I thought was entwined to my path is not so inevitable. Perhaps I thought wrong. Perhaps I didn't. I won't know until something changes, if it changes. But that I caused this to arise...
I did try what they told me. Lafey said that there are 'wrong questions', that people do not like to be asked certain things, but how will I ever know what is and is not a wrong question unless I ask the question? Ren said that Lafey speaks of things that do not apply to most people; he said that there are no wrong questions, there is no way to know unless you ask, and if you offend someone, you apologize. I tried this too. I do not think it worked. Lafey was right though, that it seems, I will inevitably offend others.
It is simply [spot] I regret that I managed to find something so offensive that the one I thought grew closest with me might run from me indefinitely. I can be wrong. But I even regret that it was enough to have him run from me at all. I regret even more that it was enough to spur him to run from them, the ones he cares for far more than me, it appears. I am of little consequence. It was something I chose, to be solitary; if he ran far from me but not from them too, I would not mind. It seemed like he really cared for them, and yet..
But I am still very disappointed. In many things. In my own lack of knowledge, perhaps, most of all. But if I had the knowledge to say I knew anything about this, I might be disappointed in him too. I think he runs because he is afraid he will destroy something about the ones he runs from. But it seems that his running destroys just as much, and I am not sure he knows it. Perhaps he does, but he doesn't know what else to do but run. I don't see him ever not running, and there is nothing wrong with it either. I run. It is a way to let out the chaos within. It is wonderful, and I enjoy it, I can think of all I wish to ponder, or nothing but running and what is around me.
But I still hold the question. Why would you call us friend if it is so easily thrown to the wayside? It may be that is not what happened at all. I am no judge on such changes of wind, I do not understand humans, their hiding, their intricate rituals of speech, acceptance, and unburdening of each other. I would have thought he would come back. But the way he grew tense at my presence, the way they all were so upset afterwards. . . I don't know what they mean when they say 'friend', perhaps it is something different altogether. I do not understand, and I think he knows it. He told me to leave it alone.
So I will. At least for now.
I quite like these ruins I have found, and I think I will stay here for a time. I have not explored them much, but everything here is so grand, wide, and full of speckled sunlight and secrets. It is overall tranquil, and I enjoy its exciting emptiness. If I am wanted, I can be found. [spot] Lafey said I was welcome to her home, even after that, and all I had to do was knock. Perhaps I will leave mention of where I may be rooted. The creature will tell me if it wants to be placed somewhere as well. But I think being here will be a calm to the brambles that human discressions have recently been on my mind.
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