[There are several papers stuck into this page of the journal. The first one is a shorter note, while the second group is several pages, curling like they were originally rolled, but now instead folded together. The second group of pages is written in a hurried, cramped script as though words can hardly be formed at the speed of thoughts. They smell faintly of machine oil and oregano.]
88, Zephyr, 1327
I found Nenia the other sun, before she was called. We all.. went to Lafey's home. They had letters from William, and they all.. seemed very upset about them. I stayed with them. Ren [blot] made tea for everyone, and he remembered the way I like mine. I.. I know I shouldn't be surprised, really, it was.. I suppose I just expect in some strange way he has forgotten about me, and about everything before.Either way, it was nice, at least the tea.
Several of us mentioned we loved Lafey, Androsace said that she and Syr and Tal do, and I mentioned that I do also. We [blot] can still be friends outside of the Knights. This.. is something I have always felt, because some of those who.. are or were closest were found outside of them, and I don't know why that can't continue. I don't know why it would stop just because of that, even the ones I met from it.
But a lot of things about friendship with humans seems.. strange now, so perhaps it was something not thought of before.
They don't have to lose so much, though. I hope they are starting to see that.[blot]
I told them that waiting was terrible when they were considering seeing William.That if they want to see him, we should now. Ren had happened to bake a cake, and since they wanted another excuse other than just friendship and their letters, the cake made one for them. So we went to find him.
Apparently, it was Will's birthday. None of us even knew, but he got a cake anyway, and we all stayed with him a little while and spoke of things. I still think Ren should someday be a baker on a ship. Who is to say it can't be done? So many other things can be, I'm not sure why that would be so impossible. I [blot] I also want to meet his brothers someday, or at least the one, Niall I think? who was in the clinic. I had wanted to before I even knew he was Rens' brother! Ren said he liked stories once, like pirate bakers shooting pie cannons, so perhaps he would like some of the stories that Ren and I have.
It was nice to see him again. Will, I mean. I never really spoke to him much, but most of the time we just agreed, aside from a few times, so I'm not really sure what there even is to say. I would like to know him more, but [blot] well, even if we are similar, we are also different, and I am not sure what.. interest he would ever have in me. Or patience, really. I mean, he seems very patient, but I would not want to be boring, or rambling, which I might be in both cases. I don't know, it is strange. But I am glad he seems alright. I was [blot] really upset to hear that he got so overwhelmed, I just [spot] I was going to try and find him to see if he was alright, even if we didn't visit.
He did give me a hug though, before I left, which was quite surprising. But it was also nice. I told him not to get shot again, and to go somewhere he liked, because, well, that is what you do on birthdays I think. He almost forgot, so I'm glad we managed to remind him.
The others went back after that, and I went to go check on some things. It is when I found Phooka's letter. [blot]
I have not replied yet. I.. I am glad though, that I was able to [spot] I mean, that [ a few blots]
I am glad I could reach him. That he found what I'd made for him, and liked it so much, that it made him feel bright, even if for a moment. I am glad that I was so close in my words, that he would be able to understand and learn from them a little bit. I.. [spot] I am worried for him. I've still not found him. I don't know if I should [spot]I mean, I want to reply, but I also want to find him more. I'm still surrounded by my own Quiet, it's [spot] I don't know if it's making me more calm than I should be, or if[dot dot] I don't know. I've reread his words many times. I just want to find him.
I hope I can soon.
The first note:
Dear Xsaia,
I will preface that I am not leaving the Knights. This letter is not a farewell, unless you wish it to be.
I know that you once said you may be difficult to know, but I think that is something that applies to us both. I wonder, could we always know each other no matter where the currents take us in seasons, years? I know that the Grove is not comfortable for you, but we've letters to speak through. We've places to agree to meet outside of it. You have taught me very wonderful things, you are very wonderful. I am so very grateful to have met you, and even more so that you saw something in me that you cared about as well.
I know things are a lot for you now, so I am not asking for more time in the present. Just that I would like a future that continues to have you in it.
I know that these things get to you too. I know even if you do not show it, do not say it, it matters what happens to us. It matters what we do.
Perhaps I might always have a reminder for you here, but you can always come to me and I will help you whatever way that I can. Whether that be talking, not talking, running, grounding you or finding you that place that you can lift off from. Anything.
Love,
Syrlya
P.S. When you deflect my compliments with "speak for yourself" are you just trying to turn it away from yourself or do you mean you really think those things about me?
I will preface that I am not leaving the Knights. This letter is not a farewell, unless you wish it to be.
I know that you once said you may be difficult to know, but I think that is something that applies to us both. I wonder, could we always know each other no matter where the currents take us in seasons, years? I know that the Grove is not comfortable for you, but we've letters to speak through. We've places to agree to meet outside of it. You have taught me very wonderful things, you are very wonderful. I am so very grateful to have met you, and even more so that you saw something in me that you cared about as well.
I know things are a lot for you now, so I am not asking for more time in the present. Just that I would like a future that continues to have you in it.
I know that these things get to you too. I know even if you do not show it, do not say it, it matters what happens to us. It matters what we do.
Perhaps I might always have a reminder for you here, but you can always come to me and I will help you whatever way that I can. Whether that be talking, not talking, running, grounding you or finding you that place that you can lift off from. Anything.
Love,
Syrlya
P.S. When you deflect my compliments with "speak for yourself" are you just trying to turn it away from yourself or do you mean you really think those things about me?
The second group of papers:
Xsaiavlairnn,
I found your book, or my book, the one that you gave me, that you made for me, I -- Imagine my suprise at it, I thought, my heart would stop when I found it was from you. And your words, they hit so close to the mark, so very close...*blot.scratch* I am so tired, so very tired that I fell like an overworked golemn that is about to be decomissioned and dismanteled. And the idea is not wholly undesirable, it would be nice to have a rest. To be able to concentrate on things which do not twist my spirit into some kind of wretched thing. I would break myself apart if I thought that would fix things. I would give up my breath if it meant I could turn back the last few days, so that we could be...we were healing.
But you're ...right. So very right. I can not tear myself apart, no matter how much I wish, though mostly because this would hurt you,I think. Most of all because of this. Yes, I care deeply for all the Knights, for Lafeyette. But you. You are something that words can't exactly contain. I would waste a thousand words to try to describe how you, what you stirr in me. But I won't, and only say pushing you away would be like trying to pluck the pinescale from my head, it's possible but it would hurt more then I could bare.
I thought after, this entire, terrible horrible mess with Kaiya you wouldn't, or you couldn't stand to be with me, in any capacity. And I would have understood, maybe even thought it was better. But then this book. It's almsot as if you made it to match my colors. And when I touched it...the gears. I laughed, so delighed by the design and the latch...*blot, inkpuddle* It is a begining, I would love to teach you more, I would love to learn more from you. I doubt I could ever read and ride the Chaos like you do, but I would like to learn to listen, to understand theroy and application if I will never wield it.
You have -- You have done so much for me, continue to do so much for me. I don't want to lean you to heavily with out...if there is anything this battered weed can offer you, I do, I offer whatever you may need or want from me. Even if it is to leave you be. And I still have so much to learn about the Silence, I have been practicing. Though I have not attempted to enter the Dream again, I need you for that. I'm glad you still want to teach me. More then glad.
You may think this strange, considering chaos skitters across you like an electric current of a tesla generator, *thoughtful inkpuddle* or maybe it is not so strange now that I say it in that manner. But you are peaceful to me, your presence is peaceful, perhaps it is because you remind me of something that runs through so many of my own creations. You maybe because you remind me a little bit of me...though that is not such an excellent thing.
At least I make grand mistakes, *blot* I am attempting to learn, how can I be so brilliant and yet so stupid at the same time. I will, I always take your words to heart. You're right, I am not special, everyone makes mistakes, only mine tend to have more of an impact becasue of the knights. I am considering ways to lessen the impact, I hope.
Waiting can be determental, it can of course have its own purpose but I believe you have waited to long. For so much, and I don't deserve to have you waiting for anything on my part, but... then again, we don't always get what we deserve do we. I don't know how you want to...*scratch, inkstain, smudge, smudge* How you want to ...how we, if we...are... I don't think there is a word for what we have but I'd want to explore it more if you*inkdot.inkdot* I care for you too, more then just care.
May we find eachother then, and together find the knowledge we seek.
Always, in all ways.
Phooka.
P.S
I think the answer is... Clock?
P.P.S
It reminded me of my old pocket watch.
I found your book, or my book, the one that you gave me, that you made for me, I -- Imagine my suprise at it, I thought, my heart would stop when I found it was from you. And your words, they hit so close to the mark, so very close...*blot.scratch* I am so tired, so very tired that I fell like an overworked golemn that is about to be decomissioned and dismanteled. And the idea is not wholly undesirable, it would be nice to have a rest. To be able to concentrate on things which do not twist my spirit into some kind of wretched thing. I would break myself apart if I thought that would fix things. I would give up my breath if it meant I could turn back the last few days, so that we could be...we were healing.
But you're ...right. So very right. I can not tear myself apart, no matter how much I wish, though mostly because this would hurt you,
I thought after, this entire, terrible horrible mess with Kaiya you wouldn't, or you couldn't stand to be with me, in any capacity. And I would have understood, maybe even thought it was better. But then this book. It's almsot as if you made it to match my colors. And when I touched it...the gears. I laughed, so delighed by the design and the latch...*blot, inkpuddle* It is a begining, I would love to teach you more, I would love to learn more from you. I doubt I could ever read and ride the Chaos like you do, but I would like to learn to listen, to understand theroy and application if I will never wield it.
You have -- You have done so much for me, continue to do so much for me. I don't want to lean you to heavily with out...if there is anything this battered weed can offer you, I do, I offer whatever you may need or want from me. Even if it is to leave you be. And I still have so much to learn about the Silence, I have been practicing. Though I have not attempted to enter the Dream again, I need you for that. I'm glad you still want to teach me. More then glad.
You may think this strange, considering chaos skitters across you like an electric current of a tesla generator, *thoughtful inkpuddle* or maybe it is not so strange now that I say it in that manner. But you are peaceful to me, your presence is peaceful, perhaps it is because you remind me of something that runs through so many of my own creations. You maybe because you remind me a little bit of me...though that is not such an excellent thing.
At least I make grand mistakes, *blot* I am attempting to learn, how can I be so brilliant and yet so stupid at the same time. I will, I always take your words to heart. You're right, I am not special, everyone makes mistakes, only mine tend to have more of an impact becasue of the knights. I am considering ways to lessen the impact, I hope.
Waiting can be determental, it can of course have its own purpose but I believe you have waited to long. For so much, and I don't deserve to have you waiting for anything on my part, but... then again, we don't always get what we deserve do we. I don't know how you want to...*scratch, inkstain, smudge, smudge* How you want to ...how we, if we...are... I don't think there is a word for what we have but I'd want to explore it more if you*inkdot.inkdot* I care for you too, more then just care.
May we find eachother then, and together find the knowledge we seek.
Always, in all ways.
Phooka.
P.S
I think the answer is... Clock?
P.P.S
It reminded me of my old pocket watch.
88, Zephyr, 1327
I found Nenia the other sun, before she was called. We all.. went to Lafey's home. They had letters from William, and they all.. seemed very upset about them. I stayed with them. Ren [blot] made tea for everyone, and he remembered the way I like mine. I.. I know I shouldn't be surprised, really, it was.. I suppose I just expect in some strange way he has forgotten about me, and about everything before.Either way, it was nice, at least the tea.
Several of us mentioned we loved Lafey, Androsace said that she and Syr and Tal do, and I mentioned that I do also. We [blot] can still be friends outside of the Knights. This.. is something I have always felt, because some of those who.. are or were closest were found outside of them, and I don't know why that can't continue. I don't know why it would stop just because of that, even the ones I met from it.
But a lot of things about friendship with humans seems.. strange now, so perhaps it was something not thought of before.
They don't have to lose so much, though. I hope they are starting to see that.[blot]
I told them that waiting was terrible when they were considering seeing William.That if they want to see him, we should now. Ren had happened to bake a cake, and since they wanted another excuse other than just friendship and their letters, the cake made one for them. So we went to find him.
Apparently, it was Will's birthday. None of us even knew, but he got a cake anyway, and we all stayed with him a little while and spoke of things. I still think Ren should someday be a baker on a ship. Who is to say it can't be done? So many other things can be, I'm not sure why that would be so impossible. I [blot] I also want to meet his brothers someday, or at least the one, Niall I think? who was in the clinic. I had wanted to before I even knew he was Rens' brother! Ren said he liked stories once, like pirate bakers shooting pie cannons, so perhaps he would like some of the stories that Ren and I have.
It was nice to see him again. Will, I mean. I never really spoke to him much, but most of the time we just agreed, aside from a few times, so I'm not really sure what there even is to say. I would like to know him more, but [blot] well, even if we are similar, we are also different, and I am not sure what.. interest he would ever have in me. Or patience, really. I mean, he seems very patient, but I would not want to be boring, or rambling, which I might be in both cases. I don't know, it is strange. But I am glad he seems alright. I was [blot] really upset to hear that he got so overwhelmed, I just [spot] I was going to try and find him to see if he was alright, even if we didn't visit.
He did give me a hug though, before I left, which was quite surprising. But it was also nice. I told him not to get shot again, and to go somewhere he liked, because, well, that is what you do on birthdays I think. He almost forgot, so I'm glad we managed to remind him.
The others went back after that, and I went to go check on some things. It is when I found Phooka's letter. [blot]
I have not replied yet. I.. I am glad though, that I was able to [spot] I mean, that [ a few blots]
I am glad I could reach him. That he found what I'd made for him, and liked it so much, that it made him feel bright, even if for a moment. I am glad that I was so close in my words, that he would be able to understand and learn from them a little bit. I.. [spot] I am worried for him. I've still not found him. I don't know if I should [spot]I mean, I want to reply, but I also want to find him more. I'm still surrounded by my own Quiet, it's [spot] I don't know if it's making me more calm than I should be, or if[dot dot] I don't know. I've reread his words many times. I just want to find him.
I hope I can soon.
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