72 Phoenix, 1327

Last sun I took things down an easier path. [blot] Should I really be wandering around as I am anyway? I suppose I do have a lot of more stationary things I could be doing, but [blot] well. That certainly isn't as fun~

I think I would like to get out of my thoughts somewhat, and yet, what I am writing right now, what I will be inevitably thinking when having rooted myself however far up I may be when I find this place, and [blot]just everything I am doing in general requires thinking. It's such an odd [spot] feeling.

I'd really like to get away from myself.

But I know that isn't something that can happen, and I know there's no one else I would wish to be other than myself, so this just becomes another circular, unsolvable paradox. [a few spots] Sometimes I wonder if it is the limits on our words which limit us. In a way, we can only ever meaningfully communicate by such mutual understanding, and words are a large part of that. There are also feelings, thoughts, actions, and so on, but [blot] it's much harder to give those to another so clearly, since they can interpret things however they want. Even words are interpreted, though they often have certain meanings, so its easier with them. [a few spots] Though there are ways, to convey thoughts anyway, Lafey and I did it once. I wonder if she still has that gem.

By any branch, this really has nothing to do with what I intended to write about. I met Sphae last sun.She caught me trying to find 'the place'. I am pretty sure I apologized. I don't even remember it that clearly, but I know I wanted to, and I know if I did then I meant it. It was nice to see her well too; I didn't write it down, but she had been somewhat battered before, and last sun she bloomed wonderfully and brightly. I was glad for that at the very least.

[blot]

I told her what I thought it was that harmed me. About the Chaos and what it.. does to me at times. I don't know if she could completely understand, as my words could be jumbled, and I don't know exactly how to explain it.

[spot]

It's as though the sparks of Energy and Change themselves dance within me, and they twist, they push, they constantly move and wish to be let out. They wish to move more than they are able, trapped inside a small place. The more I move, the more space they get to do the same, but the more of those sparks appear within; each writhing to escape, each pushing to move more than they can. It doesn't stop, not easily and usually, but when they're there, all I want to do is keep going. There is something there I can reach, something grand beyond words and conveyance, that I can find if I just keep going. And it feels grand all the while! I.. forget I have a body, forget that I have to stay in one place at one time... [blot] even, at times, feel I can forget the Rules.

I didn't say it quite like that then, but.. that is.. some attempt at capturing what the Chaos feels like sometimes. And it just fills every part of me until I.. [blot] Well, I certainly am not paying attention to my body any longer. I know some say that their body screams at them when they go too far, but I have never heard it, never felt such a thing. Just.. just an overwhelming need to rest, and.. at various times my body will no longer work for me.

[a few spots] I told her this too, that it's hard for me to tell when I need to stop. I.. figured this might not go away, but I didn't want her to worry too much for me, should it happen again. It just means I need to stop, right? So I'll just stop then, I suppose.

She had a couple questions, but.. didn't ask much of it. [blot] She did ask about what I've been doing around Courtier areas. . . [a few spots] So I mentioned that as well. A little bit.

Mentioned what I was looking for. She was right, when she guessed that it may have had something to do with my back. I didn't say much else, other than I just.. I couldn't remember all of what happened, but I was looking for answers. I would at very least like to know where it started.

[blot]

We spoke about other things too, though, like how I had finished (mostly) my experiments, and how those crystals work. It is not often that I can speak to another about magical theory and they would listen, even ask about it beyond giving me looks of non-understanding~ It was nice. I gave her a pair of crystals as well, the ones to help allow for letters to find me quicker, regardless of location; though I've yet to send her, and everyone, the directions and explanation of them. I still think there would be a way for her to utilize something similar.

She also.. has not heard from Suinidos yet. I hope she does soon, if only for that. She seemed somewhat concerned about him before, I can only imagine that may have grown by now.

[a few spots] Thorns, I've so much writing to do, and this should be the perfect time for it, when I shouldn't be wandering about too far. Or at least shouldn't be straining myself much. [blot] I'm just not sure I can attempt to get away from myself if I'm staying still. What a problem. Perhaps I need more books. [blot]Well, I could always get lost in theory. . . I'll figure out something. I need to send a number of letters for all sorts of reasons, I'll find some time to sit myself down to do so.