8 Scion, 1327

There were a grand number more surprises last sun than I usually cross in a single day's time. [blot]

I hardly know where to begin.

[a few more spots]

I suppose since memory is part of the trouble here, I may just write some off-thoughts instead. A tendancy I do not often follow, in the case that I should, sometime, forget all that has occurred. I've a different voice for forgetting. One that explains simply, a quiet brush through the leaves and the gift of simple literature for the 'self' who has fallen behind. I wonder when I may fall, if I will think that, perhaps, that simple explanation was my Truth. If I did, I would be wrong.

So here is a small glimpse of that 'Truth', often unseen, and even now, only shown by speckled canopy light.

There is no chrnonology here, and everything drifts together. 

It was a sort of terrible, timeless, moment when she spoke those words. 'Know what Cannot be Known'[a large blot] It still, even still, thinking about them- [streak, spot] They are terribly familiar. Familiar in the strangest ways, as I hear the echoes of my own submerged voice speaking those words countless times, but never to what, where, when, why. A number of different feelings come with it, warmth, cold, breezes, stagnancy, light and dark, and none of it makes sense, other than its own timelessness. I wonder if they're real memories at all, like when something has happened, you know it happened, and yet you don't; it seems too far away, so far out of grasp, that perhaps it didn't. And there was no one else there to confirm its reality.

Reality is quite strange like that. When you consider, so many things in it might not have really been there at all. And so, you have to Choose. And then you Shift that reality. It is why one is their Choices.

Will I Choose to look for the answer? Will I Choose to Follow this time? [blot] I still don't know. I don't know, and it is troubling. All this time, I have sought not to. Do not chase what you left behind. And yet..

"Find all the knowledge that you seek. Know that your sacrifices are worth your freedom."

Of course there would be a time when these, perhaps, conflict. I had always thought they may. Sooner or later, I would be curious. I had tried to warn myself of it, I thought. Tried to make it clear that what I have lost is worth what I have gained, but [a few spots]

I must wonder, if that cloth is something from before, something from Then that has such a powerful place in my mind, connected to those words. . . Why would I keep it? If I was meant to give it all up, why would I keep something like this, and not give it away as well? Certainly, it must have been thought I may find it. If it is known, then certainly, it must have been thought that someone would recognize it, that it might be possible for another to act on things that I would never know, because I have lost them. [a few blots] I clearly placed it away. Nothing would be there if I did not place it away. ...Should I persue it?

"Always have a Choice."

Do I trust myself as I think I am to be trusted? Or do I trust myself to know my own curiosity? A stagnant idol of ideals, or the ever-changing present of what I know myself to be, paired with the uncertainty of what I may have been. [blot]

[another blot]

I wonder if It had any influence. I wonder if Lafey felt it too. The Chaos acting erradically hardly helps this at all, I would think. That.. Growth. It drives the Chaos to panic. The Chaos wants to escape, to get away in ways I have never felt, but I don't know what it wants to get away from. The Growth is the obvious answer. Brambles, I want to get away from that. But [blot] Might it also want to get away from me too?Thorns, that would be.. fatal. Extremely unfortunate for me at best, if it should succeed, and it's quite [blot]hard to tell which it is, if not both. I'd like to think it is only the former, and not the latter. I don't know. I don't know, and the Chaos isn't letting me. It becomes so strangely jumbled, like its own sort of argument, and yet, with an overwhelming drive to something.

[spots]

That Growth seems drawn to magic. And that is quite troubling for all manner of reasons. Brambles, I really do not wish to get anywhere near it.

I do not think I must remain now, and I hope not to. I will go elsewhere, hopefully to give the Chaos some calm, as it's.. [blot] What Sphae described reminds me of what I have heard the Dream is like in those who wish Silence. The words themselves sound, even feel, familiar in a terrible way, and [blot] I worry for her. Certainly this is not that, but that overwhelming submergence, pulling, coaxing, dragging down into the depths to somewhere. . . It is manipulative, and suffocating of Choice.

There is no trust to be found in anything so manipulative, unless one is so willing to be guided and thrown away.

[blot]

There is some research I wish to do. But right now, there is something more immediate to take care of.

I would like to write later about the theories for this stone we found. I have a number of materials, but may need a few more. It gives me a better reason to leave this desert, and to seek what will reflect the right sorts of energy from within the stone. [blot] But that is for later.

[a couple spots]

I do not believe her. One does not feel such a suffocation, and keep being 'fine'. It is strange, though, that I don't feel something quite the same. Is it the Chaos? There is an overwhelming whirling, like a storm that can't be calmed, nor identified, its power pushing in all different directions, while its unknowable aim is meant for one. It [blot] reminds me of when the Chaos takes me, the feeling that I am separate from what is solid and beyond a simple body, only this is nothing of the sort at all.

I feel I am more the storm than I am the solid. But I am afraid to move.

Storms are not often afraid to move. Not unless something contains them. Whatever is storming, and for why, that is not something I want to let out. If they should travel near the growth for any reason, I will have to state my ill comfort and remain further. Luckily they seem similarly uncomfortable, likely of their own sorts of unease, so it shouldn't be a problem.

[blot]

Perhaps I need a calm more than I had thought.