45 Phoenix, 1327

The past few suns have been.. interesting.  Different, I suppose, yet. . . [blot]

It is a strange thing, when you feel yourself changing.  As much as it happens like a constant breeze, like the presence of the sun or moon, many times it goes unnoticed or felt; it just happens with all else that happens.  But now.. I feel this happening, and I am not sure how much I care for it.

A new cycle is starting, I think.  I've heard nothing from those who were once closest.  From what Nenia said, perhaps.. perhaps that is the way of humans, perhaps [blot] that was why Lafey was scared I may be lost, that time, seasons back in the cave.  That she didn't wish to be alone, yet perhaps she knew these cycles.  [a few more spots]  I wish she didn't have to be, but maybe she isn't.  Perhaps she's found others instead.  As.. much as I feel I could maybe do more, somehow, yet am unsure what, I... certainly have made it clear she is welcome with me, and I love her.  Perhaps I will write more to her.  To all of them.

Sometime I may stop by to see Ren again before.. [a few blots]  well, should I choose to leave.  Thorns, I wanted to be stubborn with him.  But now I am just.. [a couple spots]  drifting off again, yet.. Really, where do I fit here?  Where do I really have a place here now?  I do not.  Perhaps even less so than I did when I first arrived at the Reach.

I don't want to go, to run in that way, but I need to find something for myself.  This hollow .. emptiness is not something I care much for.  I keep doing things based on memory, but what I have is wind in my hands, with what I want behind me, and the tantalizing knowledge that anything is possible in front of me.  To try and grow to make a loop is.. [blot] a terrible idea.  It is to expect, and that is something I know I should not do.  Expect nothing.  Value all that is and was.

[blot]

I am still here.  To my knowledge, none of them are hurt.  I don't know if any of them care for me to stay, I am.. often told to go do other things.  I need to consider my own words, I simply.. [blot and a few small spots]

I suppose this is why I keep being in dismal places.  What I have before me is somewhat dismal.  What I feel is somewhat dismal.  I didn't.. even really consider them dismal then, but.. that is what they are.

[spot]

She keeps finding me.  Sphae, the Winds bring her my way, and she chooses to follow.  I do enjoy her company, and we do agree on many things, though.. I find I barely know her, even still.  Not that.. knowing anyone comes quickly.  It is... interesting.  Strange, I do not know where I get this feeling from, but she reminds me of a turmolt, a hidden storm.  One not to upset.  And one that can be gone with a breeze before there's a chance to note.  She.. keeps reminding me... of something.  Why does she continue to be so familiar, and yet, so far away?  I have all these strange questions, all these musings, and I [blot]  I simply want somewhere I fit to curl up with them.

I have.. grown too attached to such a place.  To the thought that there is a place like that somewhere, where I fit.  There isn't.  There is no place that I will always fit with, and I should do well to remember this.  The Winds change everything with time, and if I am not quick enough to hold it while I can, it will never be held at all.  [a few blots]

So let me find something that is worth holding again, even if just for a little while.


[the writing below seems written at a different time.]

I should remember to mention for my memory.. I met Sphae at the swamp, as well as.. she followed me to Ebonhawke and to the Brand.  It seems we both have a fondness for following until another notices, though I had felt watched for quite a while.  She accompanied me to the place I was going to show Phooka.  It.. was still there, and still as grand as I remembered it.  We spoke of a number of things, of travel, of saplings who are blind in their intelligence, of those close to us who are smaller and we might tease, of how ridiculous my tendrils are at times...  She seems to care much for her 'little brother', who apparently is not that much littler than she, but I see no reason why the degree of littleness even matters..~  It is grand that the two of them were able to remain close for so long.  I do not know how wise she is in years, though she seems like she certainly has a number, likely many more than myself.  It.. must be of a great warmth to trust and be close with someone for such a long while, and since awakening. . .[blot] I.. can hardly imagine how comfortably rooting that must be.

Sphae and I will meet sometime to go.. see the castle of spirits I wish to research at.  I will not be doing that then, the research, but.. it is moreso.. to see if it remains.  [blot] And if I can even get there.  Should we manage, I will try to remember the route for when I bring the others who might wish to come with me.