I suppose it was all a very fitting reminder. Not something I.. particularly wanted, or cared to hear, but.. probably needed. Sometimes we need reminding of the things we forget, the thoughts that creep away with us when we aren't.. paying attention.
And despite that, last sun was somewhat grand, especially by its end.
[a few blots]
I don't think I was waiting. I've already learned, seen time and time again how it never seems to work out. I do not know when it has, really. And yet there.. are times, I think, (though they are overwhelmingly aggravating,) to realize that .. [blot] it is not that I can do nothing. But it is that what I can do [blot] may have a limit, if I do not wish to crash through my own wishes; the wish to protect their Choice, to not stand in the way of those Choices if it is what is wished by another, so long as it does not hinder my own. And that by.. doing anything more, it may uproot that notion; it may collide with their Choices, or it may be waiting, and both of these are full of expectation.
I think that is where I am. It is how I wish to run, and also wish to stay. I've felt it, and been lost by it, because I refuse to collide with those Choices. It is the most important thing, that they are held by the ones who make them, and I am certainly no one to have any bearing on them if it isn't allowed or wanted. Especially if it isn't somehow wanted. [blot]
It took me a while to see. I am, as ever, behind. But I think I see it now. And while I find I am in a place like how I began, where I began was not so bad at all. I was at my own whim. Though I lack one I.. [blot] can call, and know will come, that I can trust my back to, I will still move forward. I will not be thrown through another's messes, caught up in something I can do nothing for that I am only wrapped up in by a side breeze, by association; I will be my own force, and most of what occurs will be of my own doing, unless I choose otherwise.
I think I will write to them. I.. think sometimes, I will still return to see if I could find them, and maybe stay with Nenia again, if she and her family do not mind. Maybe stay with any of them for a time, if they ever wish me, should I ever see them, and if not they either want it that way, or have no thought of it, so it will be as it will be. But I will remember that I have no place. None that will remain, because to.. have a place is to expect to be able to return there. To expect to fit. And I do not think that is something for me.
[a few spots]
Syr came by looking for me, and we discussed second selves. Sphae was around as well, by chance.. I think. Or perhaps she was following, I don't know, but I [blot] really need to pay better attention~ One of these times, I will get her back for all her sneaking, and follow her unseen instead~
Syrlya somehow was able to discern.. something from my explanatory mess. It gave him ideas of ways to make his second selves.. more like second selves, and less illusions. I'd never thought that much about how I create second selves, really. [blot] Actually, I.. barely recall the first few times I brought them about. How.. odd. I'd think that would be a more.. notable memory, but I suppose that goes to show how terrible my recollection is. I do remember always being able to speak with them, though. They just used to be more.. troublesome, and more difficult to control. I know we are all different in our magic, but it is.. strange to think that such an effort is.. so great for another. Control, and direction are what I have struggled with, however existence and bending it has never been much issue. . . Though I.. know much of it comes from the Chaos, and perhaps that is why. The more you restrict something, the less it can be itself in action.
He decided on 'splitting his mind' to do it.. though it left him rather... unresponsive. I worry for that a little, I would be very uncomfortable doing such a thing. But those are his experiments, and I hope he may find what he seeks with them.
[ a few blots are here, and some strange scribbles, like something started being written, and then was stopped.]
There is more to that, in terms of how conversation shifted, but I.. don't care to think of it anymore. For my memory, it concerned the others, the previous Knights, their whereabouts, and contacting them. In addition to the recent kidnapping. I understand the concern, but to me the conversation was tedious, as I know little to answer anything, nor can I direct him to anyone any better than he can himself.
Beyond that, Sphae [blot] had a place in mind she thought to show me..~ I was surprised, really, that she would be interested to show me anywhere, but I was also quite excited, as I especially was feeling like running then. It was in the Snowden Drifts, a cave full of brilliant crystals with a place full of power and an odd, self-sustaining portal there. Sphae is grand to run with~ Though it was a short run, Syr seemed to have difficulty keeping up, as much as he insisted by another branch~ So it was likely better that it was short. Though I fully hope Sphae and I can run for a much longer distance [a few spots] it.. has been a while since I felt so grand having a run with another.
The caves themselves were beautiful as well, there were so many crystals, I actually took a fragment for myself that had fallen. The Chaos, I found, was somewhat fond of the place. . . it.. reminded me of something, being there. It was nice, and comforting. [ a blot] The portal was interesting too, though.. I made the mistake of looking through my second sight to see it. Well. . . I don't know if it was a mistake. The place in the In-Between was remarkable! There was so much power there, and words cannot describe how it appeared to me, in little dancing vortexes, amid a much larger one, and then this central... existence.. I. It was like trying to describe someone's entire life in words while capturing it all, I do not think it can be done. But it was a grand thing to see.
Androsace had apparently been pulled through one of the shifting 'branches' of the portal, due to its power. Or so I guess anyway. It could be any number of things, but that makes the most sense. She stayed with us for a short time, though soon enough we went back out, through the portal, to see where it led. [spot] She is doing better, and I am glad for it. She seems.. less lost than she was.
I was also very grateful that Sphae brought me to such a place. It was grand, and interesting; I worry I, perhaps, got a bit too excited at some points, but.. well, that is as I am I suppose. We eventually returned to Hoelbrak to rest. And.. spoke some. Of what I started with, and.. [blot] I wonder what she meant, when she said that she used to care more, but then learned it was pointless. [ a few spots] As much as we agree on many things, I.. cannot see it pointless to care. I still love the ones I love, and care for them a great deal, but they simply do not want a life with me in it right now. And that.. is their Choice, I cannot fault them for it, nor will I expect them ever to wish it again. But.. if they should come to me, I think I will care for them all the same. [ a few spots] I.. suppose it will remain until I.. wish it otherwise, or.. find I cannot any longer. [a few more spots] Perhaps I am too behind to understand yet.
I am writing now, still here at Hoelbrak. I chose to stay in the place I once did with Lafey and Phooka; it is.. not as comfortable as it was then, but it was still very grand and nice. I made a small fort for myself, and hid in the blankets when I could not be seen anyway~ I imagine I.. won't have many chances to have a bed to rest in much longer, so of course, should I get the chance, I will pick one of the best ones.
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