59, Phoenix, 1327

[blot]

Lafey met with me the other sun. I.. [a few more spots] I don't know exactly what I feel, but I did feel. I [blot]I was glad to see her, I was glad that she came, that.. [blot] she let me know she was still there; the thought still brings me more than the hollowness I have been holding, but she.. it seems she is in a close place to what I am in as well. I do not know.. if anything I said was enough, but I don't think words alonecan be enough. They need something attached to them, more than the truth of the one speaking them. And as much as I might be able to give, and I would give all I could, I don't know if [blot] I could give her what she wishes. A meaning is something so powerful and important, I do not believe it can come from another alone; the self must be involved too. One speaks the way to an idea, and that idea can only be grasped by the self.. or so I believe. I can only stand with her if she wishes it, and will, but it is something she will have to find, to take and hold. To see in the words of others, or in words of her own.

[a few more spots] I do still love her very much.

I.. Part of me wishes I hadn't let her go. But I [spot] I knew she would want to go. She needs to find it, and whatever I am -[blot] I don't think anyone.. wouldn't wish to go.

I did see though, that.. at one point, at least, she [blot] she seemed to feel something too. [a few more spots] It seems such a small thing, a tiny little moment, and perhaps it is not the same for her at all, but to me, that such a moment was there, is.. it is almost like the most important thing right now. It makes me so angry that it has come to such a state, that a tiny moment of anything is so grand an ordeal. But with where we are now, it really is like a small, tiny safe place to stand among a turmolt, even if the feeling may not be the most desired; it is something. The way out is still possible, and that tiny moment gives a little proof, like a break in the long lasting clouds that shows a small sliver of sunlight; the sun is still there, but it can't yet come out in full. But it can come out. 

I wonder if she thinks it can. She spoke like she thinks she won't find what she wants, but this is no way for her. I don't think this is any way for either of us. We can be so much more, why not try all we can for the thing that will let what we are, what we wish, bloom most? [a few more spots] But there is always that fear. I suppose it's become hard for me to feel the fear as I once did. I am.. somewhat desperate for something, and I know it. Is she? I imagine it must be hard not to be, when feeling this way. Because if you aren't desperate, you're stagnant, and not moving at all.

[blot]

She said she might soon need assistance. I wonder if she'll come back. If I'll see her again. It.. doesn't matter the way it once did; I mean I still very much would like to see her, but now.. I feel I understand better what.. is happening. I understand what [blot] is most important. It didn't really change, but it makes more sense now. I.. just want her most to find what she wants; what would really matter and mean something to her. I [blot] I know I am little. Little more than something partially remembered, and now, just an almost empty pod. Once I was more, but it seems I can only be more for so long until it all trickles out.

[some tiny spots]

By the Winds, by the Chaos, by all her gods and the Rules themselves: Let us find what we seek to become more, however it is we will. But don't let our Choices end up empty so easily. We will keep moving, so let there be something out there to find.